I haven't posted for weeks, partly due to internet issues (grrr!!) and partly because I've just felt so lethargic and low that I really couldn't be bothered to do anything at all. I knew I should be upping my physical activity levels and eating more healthily but I just couldn’t face making the effort. I've been getting stressed so easily and, goodness me, I hate it every time someone tells me I look well. I want to shout, "But I'm not well! I'm not back to normal yet and you probably think I'm a wimpy malingerer!!" Needless to say, I haven't shouted those things. I've just shuffled off and got back under my cosy blanket. I lie there, knowing I'm not right but not knowing whether it's the aftermath of being told I had cancer, recovering from a big op, stresses about returning to work, the menopause, the wrong HRT........My consultant has made it clear I am recovered and cancer free (hooray!) and my GP is signing me off work without even really discussing how I feel. I feel adrift.
So yesterday I went to my local Maggie's Centre. Oh my goodness - the difference it has made to my mood! I had some reflexology and then a load of really friendly people complimented my knitting :) and told me of course I still feel like this because it's perfectly normal. (I think I need to be told that every day!) Then the person running the centre told me about a course they're running called, "What Now?" (or something) which sounds like just the kind of thing I need to help me move on. But the main thing is, she told me she had a lot of experience in gynae oncology and asked about my menopause and HRT. I'm going to see her and she's going to help me find one that suits me as she thinks that may be part of my problem. Yippee!! (My GP didn't seem to know that much about it.) She's also someone who is experienced in talking about another source of distress for me - will I ever be able to cope with the idea of sex again?
Anyway, I felt instantly more upbeat. I was thinking that my medical team had washed their hands of me and that that meant I should get a grip and get back to normal. I felt like I had been abandoned when I still needed a bit more professional TLC. Well, here it is! I'm posting this because I imagine there will be others out there who are feeling a little bit lost and like they just have to get on with it. I know there aren't Maggie's Centres everywhere but I know there are lots of other cancer care organisations. Knowing I have that support has given me a spring in my step. I've even cleaned the kitchen sink! I'm going to be okay but I just need a bit of coaching in this next phase. So my message is, there seems to be help out there and we’re entitled to it.
Hope you’re all doing okay and sending hugs to all who need it!