Hi ladies,
i dont know what im here to say really, except its 2.22am and im wide awake.
so my mum battles cervial cancer twice and bowel cancer.
i had my first smear in 2015 ive moved around as my ex husband was in military. never settled long enough to look after my own health. 2015 came back high grade and then had them burnt away. leetz is that what they call it?
then i fell pregnant wirh my son in 2016 he was born in 2017. they wanted to see me again but due to son i was told to wait.
in october 2018 i came back high grade hpv cin2.
i had a colposcopy and again leetz. i was told that they wanted to see me every 3 months then every 6. however i never got to these appointments. i moved up north, covid hit, doctors wasnt working in surgerys i knew we was moving again to midlands that i waited.
then fast forward we are here today 5 years later. i went for my smear today and had 2 swabs taken. unsure what the second was about.
ive suffered with my anxiety and mental health a lot this year, then my 13 year old daughter was struggling with her mental health off the back of covid. as like us mums do. i pushed myself to the back of the que. it was onky last week when i went to the toilet i was loosing blood from behind and again my mum had bowel cancer when she was 21. its hard to i was brought up in care and me and my mum and family dont soeak for past 10 years. so i feel like ive just shut myself away. but now ive had these smears im bricking it. last time i went the biobsy was taken and she showed my cervex on screen.
all i ever remeber was her telling me to treat it like a donut but like a clock to.
12 to 1 clear
1 to 20 white
20 to 35 clear
35 to 55 white
55 to 12 clear
her actual words it looks like cauliflower.
im just panicking my own stupidity ive left it to long. my marriage is massivly on rocks and pretty narcassitic. but ive just not mentally got the energy for this to if it comes back worse.
ive 3 beautiful babies 13 10 and 6 and i wouldnt even begin to know how to explain. my eldest 2 dad is in the raf, and although hes like a very good friend hes very military and hasna sergent major attitude. my husband is ex military my youngest boys dad. and im not allowed to be worried or upset. although all this year ive invested time incto his childish narcasstic ways, looking after his mums mental health and my own. my work have signed me off for a month becusse they could see im emitionally and physically not looking after myself. my results get sent away wednesday the nurse said.
i dont even know what im trying to say here. maybe just venting at my own stupitity and any emotional support at home is useless and us women all feel this emotion. men just dont get it. x
