I got a telephone call Thursday while at a crowded shopping centre with my cousin. The nurse didn't ask if I was on my own or who or where I was. I had an MRI scan late Thursday. I am at the PET scan now. This shows up where/if its spread. Thursday I was given the heart breaking news c cells were found in my biopsies. Poorly differentiated squamous cells. I have had the worst week and weekend of my life. I'm fearing for my life. I am having panic and anxiety attacks. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I'm crying most of the time. I don't know what's going to happen. Hopefully by this time next week I'll know the stage it's at and also treatment options.
I am praying it's not stage 4...palative care.
I have only told my cousin and 2 friends one friend because she had precancerious c2lls a few years back.
I've also caught an infection from the biopsies.
I haven't told my brothers, my uncle or children yet as I need more answers as I don't want to scare then or cause them heart break.
I'm petrified.
With this being so I caught my husband with porn last night. I've screamed, I've shouted and told him he has the morals of a dog. My husband has treated me poorly for years. Please don't get me wrong I don't mean verbal and physical abuse... More like the way he behaves... Psychological abuse. He tells me I'm too loud, I'm a terrible mum and wife. I'm really not and why would he want to cuddle and kiss me as I'm a monster. We have been together 21 years since we were 21. Withholding affection and neglecting me. For a few weeks he has been very affectionate and has really tried hard to comfort and support especially as my mum is severely brain damaged due to encephalitis caused by the herpes simplex virus (coldsore) 2 years ago. I've had to FIGHT for her to live as the hosp failed to treat her and gave her the wrong diagnosis. She also has other health issues. My life has been a living hell for 26 months... And now this. I don't know how long I've had it. I didn't have regular smears... I've missed at least 3. Foolish and selfish I know. But finding my husband with porn (I think he is addicted as this has caused a lot of issues in our relationship in the past) but now it's even worse as my cervix is being eaten alive by cancer and god knows where else it is. I've had loads of investigations this week and last and loads of internals. I'm going to have to have at least a hysterectomy and or other treatments and my femininenity is going to be zapped, cut and torn out of my body. I feel he has been totally insensitive. How can anyone feel horney at this time when their wife and mother to their children could die? It shows me that old dogs can't learn new tricks.
