Hello again me23,
You're welcome - not sure much I can say will help as have been very paro recently, but am happy to help if I can.
I know what you mean about not wanting to talk about it - everyone you tell is another time you have to keep going through it all and it's just easier not to do that. Have you looked on this site? There's loads of information that will help you understand it all. The Macmillan Cancer site is good too, and a site I found called healthtalkonline.co.uk - I found on one of many different Google searches with "abnormal smear + CIN3 + cancer?" or whatever. Trust me, I've gone to the bad places in my mind too!
Is your partner being supportive? Also, I know you don't want to upset your mum, but she is you mum and I'm sure she'd want to be there for you. You could be there for her too because, if she's going through the same thing, what's the bet she'll be feeling the same? You'll know what's right - just a thought.
The thing I'm hanging onto, and you should too, is that it is unlikely at this point that you have cervical cancer. But, if you do, this will be an early catch and cc has a really high recovery rate. Lots of the ladies posting on here put the stages of their processes at the bottom of their posts and if you take a look at a few, you'll see there are lots of twists and turns in their journeys from getting the first letter.
I know, however, that that letter is flippin' terrifying - the days after that and booking my colposcopy were terrifying. It'd be nice if they could find another way of saying "severe dyskaryosis", wouldn't it?! I guess they have to strike a balance between telling you and making sure you don't think it's nothing and just ignore it.
At this point, just keep thinking that everything that happens from now on is a good thing because they're onto it - thank God you had that smear. You might find that whatever you have can be treated at your first colposcopy: it is for most women. If the transformation area is large, like mine is, you'll have the treatment under GA, which is what I had yesterday. I'm waiting for the biopsy results from that now. The first one came back clear but this one might show up cells that have developed into cancer, or it might not.
You just have to try and put the fears and the questions in a box at the back of your mind and get through the next 2 weeks (if they don't put you back yet another like they did with me!). I'm not coping brilliantly, but I promise you that we are both better off now than we were before the abnormal smears - that's what I keep holding on to, anyway!
My husband has been a rock, and my mum has too - I didn't want to tell her because I think she's worried enough about me over the years, but I'm glad I did. Do you think you might speak to your momma? It might help you both?
Let me know how you're getting on, hon xxxxxxxx