Had a bad night last night. Cried on my hubby for ages. All the bad thoughts in my head all at once. It’s been about 7 weeks since my diagnosis and I finally start treatment on 6 Feb.
I seem to be in a bad way at the moment and can’t seem to shake it. I worry about everything that could happen and seem to be living in constant fear.
I know this isn’t doing me any good but I don’t know how to shake these fears. I feel like I just want to cry all the time.
I have kids, I worry about them, a mortgage I worry about that, my life I worry about that. It’s just endless.
My true friends are supportive but they don’t really understand how I feel inside.
My 2 brothers and sister haven’t bothered even asking how I am.
Sorry for the post but I feel so low at the moment.
xx
Hi chick, it's understandable that you feel so low - this is a BIG deal. All the things you've said, we've all had to go through and tbh , there no quick fix.
Your siblings probably don't realise what a big deal this is for you - it's not that they don't care, it's possibly that they just don't know what to say so staying away is easier for them.
A lot of what you are feeling is probably the unknown . the treatment seems very scary and you don't know what's going to be happening over the next few weeks and truthfully no one can tell you.
There's a lot of shared experiences on here that will possibly scare you but possibly my you feel a lot better. I did a daily diary on here during my treatment , if you click on my name, scroll back a LONG way, you'll find a post called finally started treatment . It's a day to day log of everything that happened through my treatment , physically and mentally . it will hopefully take some of the scariness away. if you carry on looking through my posts, you'll come across 3 that state no evidence of disease, which should make you realise that you have every chance that the treatment will work.
Last year this time I was just coming to the end of my chemorads and having a short break before my brachytherapy. it wasn't the best time of my life but I got through it (as we all do). Fast forward to now, I'm back working full time and living my life as before. There's one or two physical reminders daily that I've been treated for cancer but nothing that is affecting the way I'm living my life. My family and friends who knew (I barely told anyone) all seem to have forgotten completely and life goes on.
Anyway, as usual I'm rambling on. what I'm trying to say is yes, you'll get low but you'll also get back up again and very probably, sooner than you think.
You are right it is the unknown that is the scary part. Not knowing what the outcome will be. This seems to have taken over my somewhat peaceful life I had before. It feels all consuming.
I read posts from yourself, Tivoli, Lolli, Bruce girl etc and I want to be strong like you all seem to be. Even the posts from some of the ladies in their 20's seem strong and me I'm 49 and crapping myself.
I love my hubby and kids dearly and I think that adds to the fear.xx
Oh I don't think I was strong. I went to pieces. I sat on the couch a lot watching TV and playing candy crush.
You just do what you have to do to get you through.
Once treatment starts you feel a bit/lot better as you feel like you are being pro active. right now you just feel helpless .
I tried to keep myself healthy and active by going for walks etc, breathing in fresh air and eating things to build up my immune system. it was the only thing I felt I could do to help fight this thing x
You'll get to a good place but for now, don't feel bad about being low. the only way is up x
Im exactly the same im 28 on the outside i seem fine but when it just me and my partner i brake down i am ment to start my treatment tomorrow if they think im well enough as i have a infection in my nephrostomy site i cudnt of got this far without this sight n my amazing partner sending you big hugs xxxxx
philleepa has wrote it out beautifully. This is a process and it takes time. The steps are all apart of it. We have all been where you are right now and we managed our way through. Some easier then others but somehow we all have found our way to the other side.
Whenever I felt low during treatment or before a sweet movie or nice book got me through. It was a chance to escape reality. Focus on the smallest of things around you and take it in. Absorb things like smells and texture. Allow your body to feel life. You must trick your mind into positiveness and the worry if money, children, etc. Will lift a bit. This is the time for you to reflect and take care of you not worry about others or material things. life's worries will forever be there. Take a break from that and focus on you.
You do not know how strong you really are until strong is the only thing you can be
I am feeling a little calmer now but as we all know feelings change on a daily basis.
I know I have to get through this to reach the other side and I know I have to feel more positive which unfortunately doesn't come naturally to me.
I read the posts on here alot and realise others are going through this not just me. I just seem to have waited ages for treatment to start which hasn't helped to be honest.
Thanks hunny me to i will be thinking of you on 6th all i keep thinking is people are worse off than me i over come each thing it throws at me it all just makes me stronger everyone has low times i find the strangest thing will set me off xx
Hiya,sorry you have had a bad night,it sucks doesnt it? I can just echo what the other girls have said,its all good advice. Cry when you want to,even scream and let it all out.
You will find the strength you need,trust me. I dont think any of us knew we were such strong determined ladies,until we had to be. You will be too. its not long till you start treatment now,hang in there xxx
Thank you. I know you're all right in what you say and I have to remain positive and strong. God it's hard. I get these sickly feelings come over me, anxiety I suppose. Physically I feel fine and you would never know i had a little invader in there.
Mentally however, not so good but hopefully when treatment starts I will actually feel something is happening at last.
I felt sorry for hubby last night but I have to say he was great.
Have you concidered asking for something to help to take the edge of anxiety off. I have never used anything in my life before but the time between diagnosis and treatment was so overwhelming I did indeed ask for something so I could cope or at least rest. I took a pill not to be drugged completely up but to be able to cope and breathe. I did need to function so having no rest was horrible. There is no shame in getting something to help you through this period.
I agree Lolli,I was already on pills to calm me down after my parents passed. I got the dose doubled to get me through the last few months as my stress levels were out of control. Sometimes we just need a little help and shouldnt be afraid to ask for it.
Fire,hubby's are the best for cuddles and to cry on:). I am so glad that all the way through this, friends and family ask how he is coping,they need hugs too xxx
I think you will find some inner calm once the treatment begins. Before that it's as daunting as the run up to the first day at secondary school, but once you have had your first day you'll find that you settle :-)
I can honestly say that the waiting is 100% the worst bit, the wait for the diagnosis, the wait for any procedures and then the wait for the treatment to start. I can only echo what the other ladies have said but I promise you the treatment won't be even half as bad as you think, even if you do suffer with any of the side effects. Your mind is a tricky bugger, and talking about it is the best therapy - no matter who you talk to. Things said outloud are always half as bad/scary as when you let them stay in your mind. I remember very vividly having a complete melt down one Saturday between my EUA/Ovary move and waiting for my treatment to start and everything you said came out of my mouth to my husband. I was petrified of it all, it all hit me and suddenly I was like 'what if this doesn't work, what if this curative treatment doesn't cure it, what if it spreads and they don't know, how can i get through treatment, what if it's really awful etc etc'. My husband was great, took it all in his stride and sat and just listened. Saying that, my husband and my friends and family have all been absolutely amazing but talking to people who have been through it has been the best therapy, reading bits on here and doing my own research (from valid sources!!!!!).
What I'm trying to say is that you are having a totally normal reaction, I think I can vouch for every person on here when I say that.
Good luck with it all, you will be fine and you will take each day as it comes and if you get side effects from it you will deal with those as they happen with the thought that this is all temporary. That's what has got me through. Find something positive in everyday, sit outside in fresh air, watch all those boxsets/crappy TV that you don't normally allow yourself time for, spend time with your kids and husband and most of all - listen to your body.
