Please help me

I have a hospital phobia. I had the lletz done. This came back as cancer. Then I had CT and MRI and this has come back with cancer of my cervix and top of vagina. Also have a 2cm mass on an adrenal gland by a kidney.

They’ve told me surgery is not an option.

I am in complete bits. I feel like I can’t do the treatment. I am so angry and frightened and I just feel sick.

Please, can anyone tell me if it’s going to be as awful as I’ve read it is ? I’m so scared and at the moment I feel like I’d rather be dead than have to do this.

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Hiya, I’m really sorry you’ve found your self here, I finished treatment a few weeks back and honestly it wasn’t too hard, the nurses and doctors are all amazing and really helped me with any worries I have. I don’t have a hospital phobia but I’m sure if you reach out and tell them they will put measures in place to help you xx

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Did you have any side effects? I’m so upset, I had really convinced myself I’m sure it would be surgical. I felt like I could cope with that. Now it looks like weeks and weeks of treatment, with horrible side effects. My poor children will have to watch me go through this.

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Hi had a chemo cocktail to start so probably more than you will have, that made me loose my hair etc.

After from loosing my hair and feeling really tired for two after the second brachytherapy I was ok, I got tablets so I wasn’t sick and tbh I don’t know what the steroids were for but they kept me eating and gave me energy.

I have 2 kids the youngest being 13 and autistic, I was petrified of how she would take it all but she sailed through it and says she misses my baldy head! Xxx

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I’m absolutely terrified about brachytherapy :frowning:

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Ahww it’s scary isn’t it. I was terrified too, having a phobia for vomiting I even wanted to skip chemo, but I am glad I didn’t.

I had 6 chemo, 25 external beam radiation and 4 days of brachy therapy and it was absolutely doable . I didn’t get sick or feel sick, and I had brachy on just paracetamol because my back was hurting .

There are a plethora of meds available for nausea and pain, please do not let fear rule , you can really do this.

I’m 4,5 years on, and am doing just fine.

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I’m so frightened of it all. Especially the brachytherapy. I’m not frightened of being sick in general. Just being weak and ill in front of my children. I’m terrified of being in hospital.
The thought of brachytherapy turns my stomach. I can’t stay in hospital, I’ll go absolutely mad. I’m terrified of it all.

I don’t see a way out of this, or how I’ll ever be normal ever again

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You will get through this and things will be normal again. Different , but a new normal. Have you expressed your fears and concerns to your team?

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Yes but nobody seems to get it. They keep calling it health anxiety which I don’t have. And keep telling me to get on medication which I also don’t want to do :frowning:

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Hi @Frenchie ,

I’m so sorry you’re here and dealing with this disease. We were all on the same place of fear and anxiety when diagnosed.

I was so obsessed with reading about the treatments and side effects too but soon realized I’ve caused myself unnecessary worries. I know it’s different with every Person but honestly it is very doable. I had 28 external radiation, 5 session of chemo and 5 sessions of brachy. I feared brachy the most because of how they described it to me. But it turned out to be easier than chemo at least for me. You can ask for pain pump and the nurses are always so lovely and easy to help you and make you comfortable. The radiation is painless during the procedure it’s like doing a CT scan it can cause diarrhea but there’s also meds to counteract these side effects. The chemo and radiation combined makes you tired and nauseous, but they also provide you anti sickness meds. I wasn’t vomitting or anything just generally tired. You certainly can do this. Your medical team will be with you in every step of the way.
I was diagnosed stage 3b and now in remission for 2years and back to work. Altho I’m still dealing with late radiation effects, I’m still living a normal life.
Don’t be scared to ask for help and support from family and friends. This is the time for you to be open for that. Strong support system is a huge help in our situation. Sending you all the healing energy and love. Xx

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The brachy is what I’m terrified of. I hope they’ll allow me to be under general for it. It turns my stomach.

I’m not afraid of pain. It’s just hospital in general, people looking at me, touching me, being there scares the absolute shit out of me.

I’m so frightened of it all. I just don’t want to be here at all anymore.

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@Frenchie I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I totally understand how you’re feeling. The fear of the unknown is horrible and it’s hard to think how you’re going to get through it but you can and you will. I finished treatment in January, had 25 radio, 5 chemo and 3 brachy. When I went for the brachy the first time I had a total meltdown and panic attack when I got there, but the nurses really helped me by listening to why I was anxious and explaining everything to me. I had the GA and I don’t remember a thing! They keep you topped up with painkillers so everything is under control while you’re there. The hardest part was having to stay in the bed as I get bored easily but plenty of Netflix and catching up on TV helped pass the time. For the second session I chose to have the spinal block as I felt very tired after the GA, yes I was worried about hearing/feeling things but I felt nothing and spent the procedure talking to the nurses about holidays. Please speak to your nurse specialist about how you’re feeling or your GP about getting some counselling support. I don’t know where you are but where I was treated had Maggies centres and they were fantastic and offer a lot of support to you & your family. We’re all here if you need any support, sending you hugs xxx

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I really just don’t want to do any of it. At all.

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I just feel absolutely sick. I haven’t eaten since Wednesday. I can’t eat. What’s the point anyway. I can’t believe I’m living this nightmare. What did I do to deserve it? I’m only 35. My children are so small.
What is this treatment going to do to me, what side effects will I have. I’m so frightened, I’m so disappointed that I woke up still here in this nightmare today.

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@Frenchie awww lovely, I know how you’re feeling, the different emotions and anger that come over you and feel are absolutely overwhelming and completely valid. It’s just not a place we ever expect to find ourselves in. I was the same about my bracy, I finished the radio on the Monday evening and was back there at 7am the next morning and all I could think was “just F off and leave me alone, stop messing with me” but I tried to break it down into chunks - so ok I’ve made it to the hospital, right I’ve made it to the ward etc.

Remember, the treatment we have is to give us the absolute best chance of getting rid of this horrible thing and the docs have our best Interests at heart and want to help us, even though it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.

I didn’t have any bad side affects apart from fatigue which I had to manage by resting when I needed to, eating what ever I wanted and making sure I drank loads of water to help repair the cells. I’m just over 2 months after treatment and feel well and luckily up to now have no bad effects from treatment.

Please look after yourself and speak to family and friends about how you’re feeling. Here if you need anything xxxx

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I’ve just read that after you have to use dilators? Is there anything about this disgusting disease inside of me that isn’t going to complete degrade and humiliate me ? I feel so vile I wish I could rip my insides out myself.

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@Frenchie yes, they will give you dilators. I felt the same as you and said to my nurse “does this trauma ever end” at the time it really got me down, but it’s ok, and you don’t have to use them forever. Try to take it stage by stage, and not think about anything further than your next appointment. I know it’s hard when you’re in the middle of the tornado and everything is happening at once and it’s so much to process and come to terms with. On top of that you have to tell family what’s happening and deal with their emotions too. Have you been give a treatment plan yet? I felt more in control once I had the plan in place and I knew exactly what was gonna happen and when.

If you read other ladies stories on here, you’ll see that you can and will get through the treatment and out the other side of it. Yes, I’m not going to lie, it’s a long 6/7 weeks but every treatment you have is blasting that monster away and giving it its marching orders! Please speak to your nurse and specialist, they can help you xxxx sending lots of hugs xxxx

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God. I really just don’t think I can live with this. I’m 35. I shouldn’t be having to use dilators or be fucked about with like this. I really don’t think I’m going to make it to the other side

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@Frenchie you’re right and I absolutely understand where you’re coming from, it’s horrible and it’s an awful process to think about, but you can do it, I honestly screamed at the docs to just take everything out and get rid as I didn’t care and just wanted it gone! But, they said they don’t do necessary surgery & the treatment is the best chance of getting rid of it. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you will get through the treatment. When I started my radio, the symptoms I was having (pain, back ache, not being able to sit down) went quite quickly, this spurred me on as it was a sign the treatment was doing its thing! Xxxxx

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See I’ve had no symptoms whatsoever. The only thing I had was bleeding after sex. Half of me wishes I’d never asked the question. It’s opened me up to my worst nightmare.

I’ve managed somehow to convince myself that I could probably do the radiation because it’s apparently only a few minutes a day although going to hospital daily will be an almighty challenge. I’m scared of the chemo. And the brachy is something I can’t even think about.

I’m actually frightened the PET scan will put my stage up higher. I’m terrified of all of this. I never ever want to go to hospital ever again. My poor children are going to watch me go through this and I absolutely hate it. I feel completely trapped

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