I have HPV (but not types 16,18/45) and ASCUS. Shortly after learning this, I started seeing someone new. Unexpectedly, we got intimate on our third date; I had been wanting to hold off longer (as I am still processing my diagnosis), but things escalated. We did have a brief STI talk (but I did not disclose my HPV+ status), and used protection, but I know that’s not necessarily enough. I am also in the process of getting my Gardasil-9 (with one shot down, two left to go).
But I am wracked with so much guilt now - especially at the thought that I might’ve given him HPV, and especially that he could pass it on to other women in the future if things don’t work out between us.
I have felt so stressed about this that I have felt nauseous for days
I don’t know what to do at this point, but I feel horrible and wish I hadn’t even had sex at all
Am I a horrible person? What should I do going forward? Should I abstain from sex?
I deeply regret not having pushed my doctor to get my Gardasil-9 in my 20s (I’m 37 now); at the time, he told me “it’s too late, since you’ve already been sexually active”. I feel angry he dissuaded me like that
Please help if you can; any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hello please don’t feel bad for not telling your boyfriend, HPV is not a regular STI.
Is the most common STI in the world and everyone that has sex will get it ,
I had treatment for HPV and had many conversations with my gynecologist, she is great, and she doesn’t see the point of sharing hpv status unless it is for him to give you support if you need it she did say use condoms if not in a monogamous relationship .,
Men don’t get tested, so they don’t know if they are positive or negative but even if they did get tested it will still not make a difference in the sense that if everyone that is HPV positive at some point in their life stopped having sex the world will be a very very strange place.
My gynecologist said to look at it from the point of view of something that is absolutely harmless for the great majority of people but it is not to a small minority yes I am part of that unlucky minority .
Other factors are what makes HPV cause abnormalities and in some cases cancer and those are to do with the way our bodies are not able to get rid of the virus. So NO HPV status does not need to be shared unless you want to .
Anyone that doesn’t understand that needs to read and educated themselves about HPV. Take care and enjoy your relationship completely guilty free.
Please follow DR Anita Mitra she is great at explaining this also she has a book that all women should read as there is lots of information on HPV and other women’s issues .
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I felt really comforted by them.
That relationship ended up being very brief…in hindsight, I felt the person did not respect my boundaries when I initially said I did not want to get physically intimate (both due to HPV and because it was too soon for me). He did not coerce me (thank goodness), but he continued to ask until I consented (when it would’ve been far more considerate of him to simply respect my initial “no”); that kind of pushiness/pressure - even if it didn’t involve outright coercion - was an early warning sign of an unhealthy dynamic.
Fortunately, I did hear back from my gynecologist and her advice was similar (although she said to use condoms, period, without specifying “unless monogamous”; I did insist on that, even though monogamy was agreed upon).
I have been left heartbroken, even though I know that break-up was necessary…at least I feel relief now that I won’t have to stress about HPV disclosure and relationships anymore for a while. I am taking a break to be single and focus on my health (in addition to HPV, I have chronic fatigue syndrome/ME and other health challenges).
I am so glad to hear that you had treatment, and a great gynecologist to support you. I wish you, and all the lovely women here, the very best
Thank you again for helping me!
