Feeling depressed after LLETZ?

Cervical screening results
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Hi everyone, I have been using this site now for weeks to try and understand what's happening/feel less alone/see how everyone else is coping, and seeing as everyone seems so supportive and lovely I thought I would make one.

 

I went for my first smear in Jan and got a phone call early Feb to book me into gynaecology for colposcopy +/- LLETZ within a week. The letter arrived a couple of days later stating CIN3/severe dyskaryosis. I was absolutely mortified - naive as it is, I think I was guilty of thinking I was invincible. 

 

I went for LLETZ 1 week later and had a pretty bad experience. Ladies who are waiting for it please dont be worried - it's so quick and I was out within 20 minutes, it's uncomfortable/slightly painful but over in a flash - period pains or even stubbing your toe are worse pain that the procedure! The reason I had a bad experience is because I had a doctor who completely lacked bedside manner - no chance for any questions, spoke completely unsympathetically because doing this hundreds of times over he has clearly lost insight into how scary it is, didnt tell me when he was putting the speculum in, and when he was done he just upped and left me half naked and exposed with my bare bum hanging off the bed! Fortunately the nurse was absolutely lovely and gave me my dignity back quickly! 

 

Anyway, that was 5 weeks ago today. I am really, really struggling with the wait. I feel like my life is completely on hold, I can't make plans, I have lost all motivation. I feel a combination of extreme anxiety and, really, some symptoms of depression. I feel a sense of dread when I wake up and bouts of agitation and extreme worry. I don't want to do anything and have lost all motivation - but I have a dissertation due in 2 weeks so can't even just take time for myself to process what's happening yet I am getting nothing written because I can't focus. Even the simplest tasks feel like too much. I also feel like noone understands and they just tell me they think it'll be fine. My parents are in the middle of a messy divorce so I don't feel like I want to burden them with it (even though I know they would be there for me and put me first, I would just feel bad). I am studying medicine too, and the last 3 weeks I have been doing oncology and palliative care which has been rubbing it right in my face. I feel guilty for moaning, because I am so lucky to live in a place where healthcare is free and that screenings are done. Also because some people are in the middle of fighting harder battles and do it so bravely and positively, I don't feel I have a right to be letting it interfere with me this much. Today, though, I am just feeling consumed by it all.

 

Sorry for rambling, I have bottled a lot up. If anyone else wants to just vent feelings and emotions around the whole thing, at least we are in the same boat and I absolutely love that there is such a community here for support. Even just writing it all down helps. And knowing there are people here who actually understand - if only we could all just go for a coffee together and moan! Xx

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Hi Puzz1324

I had my Lletz procedure on the 4th of this month after my smear test and punch biopsies confirmed CIN 3. You are not alone with the feelings of anxiety, depression and lack of motivation!!

I am particularly having a hard time as my lymph nodes in my groin and neck have swollen up! I am a nurse and even though my rational head says you currently have a cold, it’s the immune response to it, my irrational head is working over time and I’m thinking the worst! 

I have been signed off by my GP due to the specialist area I work in and the anxiety that I’m currently experiencing. Can you not get an extension for your dissertation and be signed off for a couple of weeks to allow you some breathing space? Have you not got a mentor who you can talk to and explain about your feelings. I’m sure due to the nature of working in oncology they might be understanding and offer you some pastoral support! You don’t want to do what I did and have a melt down in front of your patients!!

Alternatively, you might find that now is the best time to channel and write your dissertation, as it might take your mind off of the racing thoughts that you are experiencing...suddenly I have become a domestic goddess, like Mrs Hinch as I have been channeling into cleaning!!my house has never been cleaner. 

Aliballie x

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Thanks for your reply Aliballie :) I have told the med school who have been very understanding, I have asked for more time for the dissertation so I imagine that will get accepted. I think you're right though that actually channelling it might be a good thing, fortunately it's completely un-oncology related! 

 

I am glad your GP has been understanding and signed you off - it's such an anxiety-inducing experience that you absolutely should get time to focus on self-care, especially when you're normally working caring for everybody around you! You deserve it! Listen and focus on that rational voice that's speaking. I think it's quite easy to get carried away and assume that every symptom or sign is bad news (guilty..) but I completely understand where you're coming from with it and how it sends your mind racing. I am extremely jealous of your coping mechanism tho - mine involves Netflix and chocolate, not nearly as useful tongue-out 

 

Hope you're recovering from your LLETZ ok, sending hugs! X

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I'm with you on this. Severe dyskaryosis, lletz and biopsy last week. They told me a 4-6 week wait as there's only one pathologist when they'd usually have 8. Am feeling exactly the same and keep dreaming of having kids! I know it's because I haven't yet had kids and I'm at the age now where I soooo want to. But if anything comes of this it could ruin my chances!