So I have been slowly but surely feeling better after my chemo rad which now finished 2 weeks ago.
Emotionally I’m on a downer today. I feel worried that the cancer will come back and sad that my baby will lose me. I feel like I have failed him. I look around his room at all the things we prepared when I was ignorant about the cancer and I feel so down. I have been holding him today feeling really upset about this. He had been crying a lot too.
Oh it’s a mess !
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to speak to as my thoughts are so bleak. I’m sorry to put something so dark on here x
Well there you are! I was wondering how you were doing.
I'm so glad you have finished your treatment and are now slowly recovering back at home with your boy.
I think that the physical recovery is so much quicker and easier than the emotional one. To use one of our favourite phrases on here, it really is a roller coaster. This whole CC thing is so scary. We all know that CC is very cureable, but we still worry. It's a lot to work through. I'm seeing a therapist because I wanted to unpack how I feel and find a way of not letting my worries about the future ruin my present. Could this be something for you too?
I think time will help. I certainly feel better than I did (i'm 8 weeks post surgery) but I still feel that this hangs over me.
You will be fine and you will be here for your boy. One day at a time sweetie.
love t xx
Small steps sweetheart. One day at a time.
Its okay to feel down. I have the odd day where it's all I can think about. if it is getting to you definitely see a therapist xx
I'm sure we all have the same thoughts and fears...I have days were i just look through every sad story I can find on jos have a good cry and think how unfair it is...but then I find positive stories that give me so much strength and hope!! its a huge deal that you've been through and with a young baby to look after you have done amazingly well!! Are you on hrt yet? As before I went on it I had some really down days..which I'm guessing hormones made worse!! you had a very curative cancer and treatment to make sure your around to watch your baby grow up!!
Keep strong xxx
Thanks guys. Your messages are very encouraging .
I do see a therapist and find it so helpful but one hour a week doesn't seem enough for all I have on my mind !!!
this Morn I was down Cos I remember we had the moses
basket resdy for the baby this time last year and i remember looking at it feeling excited .
and I felt sad that I will not feel this again. I think we might look into surrogacy as we froze embryos but its
not the same is it ? I'm over romanticising pregnany - forgetting all the sickness and back ache and remembering the wonderful closeness with the baby .
it is a roller coaster .
might see my dr about some hrt next week as maybe that's a factor . Was down yesterday , so furious with my husband for being late home from work last night that I felt I couldn't breathe and now this morn sad about the Moses basket.
everyone on here is such a champion xxx
How do you feel physically, Theresa ? you were so supportive throughout my treatment and I will remember this .
x
Hi Henrah,
I wanted to write, as reading your post struck me again that a diagnosis of CC is just one big bereavement, whether it be the loss of fertility, loss of sexual function, strained relationships, loss of the old you Etc ....I could go on. This of course is not news, but sometimes the losses just hit us and we have very wobbly times trying to come to terms with it all, often giving ourselves a hard time for feeling vulnerable. I am getting on for 2 years down the line since treatment, having the same as you only a radical hysterectomy as I am older. I too had lymph nodes involved and every so often feel quite wobbly. Thanks for your post. It's a reminder that we are not alone, that we share a great deal in common and are there for each other even though there are no magic wands. Hang on in there Henrah. Things will and do change even if today is shitty! Xx
There's no magic potion that can take these feelings away but they do fade. I'm due my 2nd post treatment mri scan when I come back off holiday but I'm being positive. Every so often I stop and think this could be my last time here but I pull myself up and tell myself it's not.
Life is for living, not for ruining by getting upset over what we've lost and what might or might not be.
You will start feeling better over the coming weeks both emotionally and physically. This is just a process that you have to get through x
Sending hugs x
Ah rachel and Phillipa thanks so so much !
it means so much to have you guys who understand !
Has anyone found any positive things about experiencing/having experienced cancer ? I think I would like to focus on this ... If possible ..
for eg if someone else has cancer I will be in a better place to support them maybe ? Maybe it makes me appreciate things more ? On Monday I appreciated little details such as an ice lolly and the breeze in my face! It was hot!
i need to think of positives in my relation with my husband . I think this is a hard one. As I think to myself how can he find me attractive ? Losing the ability to provide him (and me )with a second child at 32 makes me feel unattractive and like how can he possibly love me enough . I think he's gonna turn around and leave me and am possibly sabotaging the relationship a bit because of this .. I have talked a bit to the therapist about it but think an hour a week is not enough as I said! its hard not to buy into the idealised image of a 32 year old women fertile and having a lot of sex. in a week it will be three weeks past my treatment and I will somehow find the time to start having sex again Or maybe use the dialaters . not very sexy
on the plus side sometimes I am more patient with my baby . I told the therapist that i don't have as much time as I'd like for mindfulness cos of having a baby but then realised the bAby helps me be mindful cos he stops and looks at all the details .
sometimes though I feel i am too emotional about my cancer experience and fears to be a solid base for my baby when he is upset or frustrated so crying ...
i think I'm more aware of other people around me and their needs so am more likely to stop and help someone than before ..
Highs and lows . rollercoaster.
Love and happy sunny Saturday to you all. wherever you're at physically and emotionally. xxxxx
Hi Henrah:
I wish you were here. We could take that fat baby to the pool, sit in the shade with our iced tea and talk.
I'm almost old enough to be your mum, so excuse me being motherly and bossy.
H - you've had a helluva year. You had a baby and you got diagnosed with cancer. Either of those are enough to put anyone in a spin, let alone both together and it's going to take time for you to get your equilibrium back. Tiny steps, each day. My therapist feels that a cancer diagnosis is a loss - a loss of our precancer selves - and that we go through a grieving process. Give yourself time to get back on track. Focus on the good stuff in your life. Right now, life is good, and the present is all any of us have.
No more of this crap about your husband and babies and sex. He loves you. He loves you, not your baby-making abilities. You have given him a beautiful son and maybe one day you'll go the surrogacy route and have another. He's not going to care that you haven't carried the baby. Having Baby H has no doubt put a stress on your marriage as priorities change and everyone is knackered. It happens to everyone. Plus you've had to go through all your treatment, which is worrying and stressful. Cut yourselves some slack here. He's probably feeling battered too.
So, as your virtual mum, I'm telling you to hang in there. Cuddle your men, enjoy the sunshine. You've been brave and you've made it through. Each day will get better, I promise.
Still cheering you on sweetie,
love t xx
I completely agree with Theresa, your husband loves you for you, not your baby making abilities. It is okay/normal for you to feel sad for your loss of your ability to become pregnant again and sad for the children you'd hoped you might have or worried about the difficulties of surrogacy. Your husband will probably feel sad and worried about these things too. This does NOT mean he will love you less or find you any less attractive sexually.
The positive thing I have taken from having cancer is the overwhelming support and kindness from so many friends. My husband works away from home and wasn't here when I got my diagnosis, but the support of friends was so much more than I could have imagined. Really really fantastic and has left me feeling truly blessed.
Allow yourself down days, but not too many of them. Good luck x
Just checking in with you Henrah. How's it going?
love t x
Hey sweetie,
ive just seen this thread and need to pick up my boy but I will be back my darling. Hope u r feeling happier. Sending hugs xxxxx
Hi my lovely,
I'm back! That was a long pick up haha. Not really. I needed to.be more positive before i wrote.
Sweetie, reading your initial post was as though i was reading my thoughts. This journey is a crazy hard one physically & emotionally darling. One day fine, the next so low, another scared out of our minds and then back to fine. It is tough going.
You are doing all the right things, talking on here, your councilling (i have yet to brave this...it feels a bit too weird for me at the mo), mindfulness. So long as we stay open with at least someone, be it on here, with our better halves / besties, a councillor or even a poor random stranger at a bus stop (i dont think i'll be getting the same supermarket delivery man again hahaha poor fella!) we'll be ok.
Much love xxx
