Awaiting results and terrified

So I don't no where to start.. really sorry if I ramble .. So I am 25years old and have three children, my youngest was born on my birthday so unfortunately had to wait 12 weeks until I could have my first smear. I booked my appointment and had it done .. I have never worried about it as I have had absolutely no symptoms.. so a week after my smear I had literally forgotten about it.. well that was until I received a phone call from my GP asking me to go and see him that day as a matter of urgency and to bring someone with me .. As soon as my partner got home from work we went down and were called through immediately.. the dr stated that my smear had shown severe abnormalities and they had faxed him my results explaining I need to be told in person.. the dr focused on the severe dykaryosis .. however I'm a nurse and I focused on the ? Invasive squamous cell carcinoma ... I received a letter for my colposcopy which was 6days after I was informed. At the colposcopy I watched the screen and knew immediately that it wasn't right ..(thanks google) it seemed as though my entire cervix was white .. they refused to do treatment but instead took 5 biopsies and explained they wud b sent as urgent and that I should have the results within 1-2 weeks .. I'm now day 4 of waiting and my anxiety is becoming unbearable... At the colposcopy appointment a few things were said that made me convince myself that it's cancer.. the nurse (who was lovely) asked how many children I had and when I said three she replied "that's good" .. when I said that's not normal is it she said no and i broke down .. she than said "listen u have done everything right, u had ur smear immediately, now if u wud have left it until your 30 we would probably be having a completely different conversation. I can ensure u I'm not looking at an advanced fungating tumour and if this turns out to b cancer we will able to treat it and get u bak to normal.. I'm terrified .. I can deal with being told I have cancer but I can't deal with the results if they say thr is nothing they can do .. My dr has put me on diazipam becaus how anxious I am .. and since the colposcopy I have been getting all sorts of pain in my back ad stomach which I didn't have before Hand.. I no its probably psychosomatic but I can budge this feeling of dread ... I don't know what I'm asking for .. It has taken me two weeks of reading the forums before even writing .. I think i just need to talk ... The thing that bothers me is that treat people who are going through chemo and it truly terrifies me .. any support would be greatly appreciated .. sorry again for the rambling .. x

Hi Tibz,

Well, I'm not a doctor, but I agree with your nurse that your are lucky to have caught this now and of course to have three beautiful babies!

What I know is that the most important thing is not the extent of the lesion on the cervix surface, but its depth. So maybe it looked like a big deal, but then biopsies are just cin 2 or cin 3.

I think the nurse told you "that's good" when you said you had 3 babies because it is true that if you need, for example, a cone biopsy, it can affect your future pregnancies, and you are really young. Imagine your situation but without having children already! So if now you need some "aggressive" treatment, at least fertility is not such an issue for you (although of course you could want more babies and that is always an issue). But you know what I mean?

I also think that they say "cancer" sometimes and it does not imply chemo. For example, carcinoma in situ sounds horrible and is considered cancer but they can just cut it off with no need of chemo, just follow-ups. And I'm pretty sure that after this treatment, women can get pregnant if they want.

As for your physical symptoms, I think that's absolutely normal. Keep telling yourself that they are psychosomatic and they will disappear. I feel strange symptoms every time I'm back from colposcopy, and in a couple of days I forget and they are gone.

I hope you are feeling better now. Please let us know about your results or any other thing you want to discuss! 

Thank you so much for ur reply.. and it would have been nice to have another child .. however I am adamant that I would have any procedure necessary to see my children grow up .. I don't no if the nurse and consultant were being open as I had already explained that I was a nurse and was aware of both the bad and the good..  and work in the same hospital as I was being seen in ... I just need to know the outcome so I can start dealing with what ever it is. .. the consultant did say that even if it's not cancer I will have to have the op under general xx

Working in the same hospital, maybe you can get to know your results earlier? Somewhere here I read about a nurse who had access to her results before because she was working in the same hospital.

In the case it's not cancer, why would you need treatment under GA? Leeps or cones are done with LA unless the woman wants it otherwise.

I reallt don't think they are not being open. They can have an idea of the grade of lesions during colposcopy, but they will not be sure until the biopsy results are in.

And I really don't think that you can be so sure now that you won't be able to have this one more child. Just think that the issue is perfectly treatable at this point and don't anticipate bad thoughts.

I no I'm just thinking the worse .. I'm on maternity leave so not currently in work .. lookin up your own results can get u struck off ... At my colposcopy they asked me to sign a consent form for a lletz (I think that's what it's called)  procedure before hand but on examination they said that it would have to be removed under general and said they needed the biopsy result before they continue with any treatment .. thank you for your reply x

Hi tibz, 

sorry your in this situation, it really is naff, I know it's hard but try not to panic to much, because it's found this way and not when symptoms appear my dr said it gives better odds. I was sent a letter saying I need treatment in the next two weeks and was terrified. I saw my dr ( and bear in mind I didn't know what grade I had he just said at my colp it's worse than first thought ) and he was discussing carcanoma in situ. Now I work at a hospital also on all diffrent wards and have worked many shifts on the cancer treatment wards. Well I flipped I was a mess, he said cin3 is carcanoma in situ. He did a lletz and he took a fair chunk away I was told I could have GA due to the size they was removing but opted for LA. at my colp my entire cervix was white and a big bright white patch at the bottom. I haven't had my results yet I have a 4-6 week wait unless it's cancer or he hasn't got it all an ill hear back sooner he said. I asked if he thought looking at it if it could be cancer and he said maby, maby not ( he's a ass no words of comfort even when I'm cring my eyes out ). Well I best stop rambling on :) and I can't offer you any advice but know you arnt alone, this forum is fantastic for support whatever the outcome. also working in the hospital makes everything worse I have health anxiet now from working there, I have seen headaches that are brain tumours, wobbles that were strokes, and cancers that were terminal. But I tell myself what we see is a small % of the population and  bet there are loads of women that had high grade changes or worse cancer and beat it and got better. Try and stay strong ( it's hard I know ) sending hugs. X

Thank you for your support .. this forum has made it much easier .. honestly I was being so irrational when I first got the news, which in all fairness isn't like me at all .. I'm usually a glass half full type of person .. but reading other people's stories have reassured me .. I think it's been a mixture of things that has just made me think the worse .. from the dr calling me in to tell me about the smear and explaining that they have actually faxed home so he can tell me in person. . to the colposcopy where they immediately said that any procedures would now have to be under general even though I had consented to have the procedure there and then .. my anxiety has now increased knowing it's Monday .. because I no it sounds stupid but at least the weekend gave me a break from jumping whenever my phone rang .. do you know if they will tell me anything over the phone .. I have read a number of posts and some people have been told the results over the phone and asked to go in to discuss further.. and others had to wait for an appointment xx


It could be that she is thinking that's good because 25 is an age that a lot of people start thinking about starting a family.  I know thats been the case in my circle.  Also could be she was just making conversation.

When I went I kept getting asked if I had children which does worry me as I don't and at 35 I know I need to decide, but I think it may just be because the womans body changes after child birth so they may just need to know to make a diagnosis.

Thanks for the reply .. and it completely makes sense what you say .. I think I am just thinking into it too much .. I'm so lucky to have my children and in all fairness that's what scares me .. I'm petrified that something cud happen to me and I leave them .. I feel so stupid because I haven't even got the results and shouldn't be thinking that but I just can't help it .. are you also waiting biopsy results xx

I myself didnt get a phone call I got a letter saying I have severe changes and need a lletz and the date, I didn't get my cin3 results until the day of my  Lletz. Waiting is the worst tho, iv gone onver every scenario in my head. At one point I was thinking what would I do for my funeral I can't afford a funeral urrgh it's so depressing and emotiona, there is no talk about that tho when you have this just what discharg to expec. Also when she asked about children I think it's because treat can interfere with pregnancy and like the lady above said your of that age where you may be planning a pregnancy and it's not ideal till they have sorted it. X

Hi tibz  I also am like you I have 3 kids and just had my colposcopy done yesterday and I have to wait 3 weeks for biopsy results. I'm wrecking my own head thinking the worst every one is telling me try not to worry but it's easier said than done. I've always had normal smears so this is a 1st for me and being told I have high grade cells is so scary 

Sending hugs to you x 

Well I'm on day 12 of waiting for these bloody results .. she ensured me that they wud b bak in 2 weeks.. I hope everyone gets the results they r after .. the waiting is just horrible .. I'm the same. . going over different scenarios .. the wat ifs and hows .. has any if u ladies heard anything yet xx