Hello ladies, I hope you are all well! A little background for you...I was diagnosed with 1a1 adenocarceninoma via Leletz back in July, cone biopsy results were completely clear and I'm nearly 5 week post hysterectomy. On the whole I am recovering well, my hysterectomy was done via my vagina so I have no incisions so my recovery has been easy I guess. I was back driving after 2 weeks, hubby went back to work after 5 days and I've just 'got on' with it. My histology came back completely clear too and I was so so happy that I could put this all behind me. However, I am struggling to move forward, I'm petrified it will come back. I take each day as it comes and try so so hard not to think about it but I do. I am getting stressed and I'm snappy. I'm very paranoid about my body, I'm checking every day for lumps and bumps. I get pains and I fear that's where it now is. I've had a good few cries since my op and I'll come in here looking for positive story's and I'll freak out when I come across a not so positive one. I absolutely dread having a vault smear, I just can't seem to overcome the fear....how do you 'move on!?' My mum says I need a job, which I do and I plan to apply for my first registered nursing post soon to start in Jan (I'm taking 3 month out to pull myself together as I was diagnosed 6 weeks before I completed my training) and it's been a tough 3 year then with this all on top I just need time. I'm just struggling overall mentally I think...and I don't know how or what to do. Xxx
Hello Michelle Well done on finishing your training despite your diagnosis. I too am a nurse and have recently (last week) returned to work. It was the best thing for me. I know that a new graduate has a lot of stress in their first job so taking your time is not such a bad thing. This CC thing is very traumatic and the fear is hard to control. It does seem that all went well for you treatment wise so you have every reason to expect a good outcome. If you can, try to distract yourself, if it is too soon for you to start work. Personally I found planning and going on holiday a great closure to treatment. Afterwards I felt that I'd let that chapter close and could get on with my life. Is that possible? Have you a friend you could spend a couple of weeks with? Planning something is a great way to forget your illness. If not a holiday then some other activity. I am getting a puppy which has given me no end of pleasure. Find what works for you. Jayne xx
Hi Michelle
since I've completed treatment I have made a schedule for myself. I check over my body in great detail once a week. After I feel I've completely checked I write a summary in a journal example: sore hips this week and rate the level of discomfort. After my weekly self checkup I move on with my week. I plan my days and whenever something sneaks up I simply open my journal and add a medical note. Example: pain in left leg. I find keeping a journal of my body helps me cope and keep everything in perspective. There are some weeks I have more entries then others but overall I find that my enteries are getting less and less. I allow that one day a week to really think about things. If I find that these thoughts are with me during the week I simply tell myself today is not self checkup day. This helps me a lot. My situation is a bit different so I do this once a week but as time passes I will go to once every other week, then once a month.....
maybe allow yourself to have a day that is a day to reflect and take notice of your body then you will not randomly be Consumed with these crazy thoughts.
Maybe that would help...,
i do hope you find something to help you cope.
Xxx
Hi Michelle,
I honestly believe that the emotional healing is the hardest bit, every little twinge now seems to have a possible meaning to it whereas before we'd probably not even have noticed.
I am due to have my hysterectomy in 3 weeks and am already worrying about the 'what ifs'... like you I know how lucky I am that this was caught at a treatable stage but it still feels like a life-changing experience and I have no idea how you get back to normal...maybe you have to find a new normal? Have you asked about any sort of counselling? I have no idea if this is something that is even offered?
My plan is to try to get fit as soon as I'm recovered enough (I feel like it will give me some control over my body), focus on my wonderful little family and work and hopefully get back in the saddle as soon as is safe (horse riding has always been my 'happy place')
Huge hugs to you, I hope things get easier for you and you get the comfort and support you need xx
Hi Michelle :-)
The first phase after you have been cured is always a nerve-wracking time. We convince ourselves that having been unlucky once we're going to be unlucky again. In fact recurrences are relatively uncommon so there is a greater chance that it won't come back than that it will. You will find that you become more afraid in the run-up to a follow-up appointment but that each time you pass one of those and are still all clear you will find it gets easier and easier. If you don't find that this is the case then see if you can be referred to a specialist cancer counsellor, though I think at the moment it is early days for that.
Be lucky :-)
Tivoli
Hi Michelle
I too am 5 weeks post RH and all clear, and struggling emotionally and physically with the changes in me. I started off recovering really quickly and felt really positive but then did too much and realised its going to take longer than I thought and then worried that i might never be 100% me again or maybe the cancer will come back. I really like Lolli888's idea because i think its perfectly normal to be more concerned over your future health when you have been through a cancer diagnosis. I find that if i do something regularly that i think is benefitting my health that makes me feel better - i except i cant control what the future may bring but i can try to help myself. Things like, i bought a nutribullet and use it nearly everyday and love how much more fruit and veg im consuming. i try and do a bit of gentle yoga and mindfulness ( i find guided using an app like headspace better than trying to do it on my own - my mind wanders too much!). I have done a lot of future planning - ideas for redecorating, thinking about holidays etc, but i think being more concrete and making actual plans is better - just arranged to meet up with some old girl friends in the new year and arranged a family holiday for next summer and it feels great! Although the thought of going back to work is hard, i do think once we are back into the 'real world' of work routines and feeling useful (nursing is a fantastic vocation, you should be very proud of yourself) hopefully the anxiety will decrease.
wishing you all the best xxx
Hi ladies, oh my days i have been trying to reply since last night!!
I had to fire my laptop and she's very slow and the A key plays up so bare with me lol....
Thank you all for your replies!! Jayne, i have a dog, i have missed walking her since my op bless her. She keeps me compant but follows me around everywhere now, and i super paranoid she's picking up something else....waaahhhhh. I did ask my hubby for a puppy, i even threw in the 'well i cant have another baby can i so how about a pup', he went white and said 'dont you think we have enough with 5 children the dog and hamster??' lol...
A holiday is out the question, what with xmas around the corner, finances wont allow it, but i fo have bits planned, i have my gradution ceromony this thursday, im out the weeeked with my mum, sister and good friends to celebrate a double wammy i guess, and i have a spa day booked on the 18th as a congratulations gift from my aunt. Another reason is i cant bare to be away from the kids, im petrified of losing them/them me, its unbearable.
Lolli, i like your idea of a journal....it will defo help to write down my thoughts and feelings rather than botttling them up letting them fester and freak me out! I think a bit part of the problem is i am bored, i have gone from working 37hrs a week, plus all the academic work that came with the course to doing nothing! I've pushed myself physically housework wise as i cant sit still!!
Tiv, I'm working myself up alreay regarding my next app. i phyiscally feel sick when i think about it and go all nervous and hot. People ask me how i am and im like ok, im good thanks, i cant bring myself to say that ive had cancer, like, i had it and didnt know about it, but by the time i knew about it they had removed it yet....does that even make sense??
Thank you all for being there girls, i really appreciate it...my husband is like its over chelle, its done. I am still waiting for the letter from my consultant, even though i had a phonecall i need that peice of paper....
Hope you're all ok and thanks again xxxx
I'd agree that dogs help, one of mine is stuck to me anytime I'm feeling low, very sweet!
I had to laugh (although I actually cried) yesterday, a work colleague could see I was having a bad day so nudged me on the shoulder and said 'don't worry, it'll all be over in 3 weeks!'... I guess it's really hard for other people who have not or are not going through this to understand, which is why this forum is a god send!
All the best, I have my fingers and toes crossed that the good days start to out number the not so good xx
Hi Hun, I am exactly like you, worrying myself sick about reoccurrence my life has totally change when ever I try to be happy I can't because it's always in the back of my mind I had 1a2, if you ever need a chat give me a nessage maybe we could help each other xxx
