Hi, I know I should probably put this in one of the other topics… but I’ve noticed they are much quieter part of the forum. I’m early 30s, single the last two years after being with someone from my late teens. Smear stated HPV Positive autumn 2021.
I want to know peoples opinions on dating and disclosure…
my logical side is battling my sensitive side. My logical side, acknowledges that 80% of people get it therefore common… like a cold. And that men can’t be tested for it… so they’ll never know… and that in most cases this is harmless… and that the only way to prevent it is to basically be a nun, so I think… why should I disclose it?!
My sensitive side… feels horrid for having HPV despite always being safe, feels a little dirty despite me trying to reason with myself, etc. I would feel bad to pass it onto someone… the sensitive side wouldnt be so conflicted if it wasn’t bliming labelled as an STI… because I know full well if I told a potential partner that I had it, the first thing that will come up online (as they WILL google) is the STI detailing… even if I tried to give them all the facts…
I think what’s prompting me to ask people’s opinions on it… is that I have met someone. And I am conflicted… so many people are poorly educated on it… I barely knew about it myself until I had the abnormal cells…
You are already aware of the pros and cons of disclosure. What if the ‘shoe was on the other foot’ and your prospective partner was having the same thoughts you are having - what would you want them to do?
I think the someone you have met will be doing well to date you - you are cleary a caring and considerate person. As you rightly say so many people are poorly educated about HPV and it seems it’s down to organisations like Jo’s Trust - and in my view us as sort of ambassadors - to help spread the word.
I’ve been compelled to do a lot of awareness raising about HPV and the importance of smear tests on the back of my own experience with cervical cancer (see my back story) and it’s been an unexpectedly rewarding thing to do - so many people welcome the chance to understand more about their sexual health.
Obviously the decision is yours. If you do start a relationship with this someone new there’s no need to rush into broaching the subject of HPV. Get to know more about them first and you’ll get a feeling for when, if or how you want to start a conversation about HPV.
Yeah I try to think about how I would feel about it if it was the other way around… and I think I would be understanding of it. But I know I’m a very empathetic person etc… I generally always put others first. I have no resentment towards ex partners, because they wouldn’t know as can’t be tested… just like a potential wouldn’t know if he had it.
I think I would go about it in a way to see how much knowledge my potential has of smears etc and take my steps from that… unfortunately sex seems to be a massive pressure when it comes to dating… but in a sense I like that the HPV may make me see the difference between a mature partner and a player… so far disclosure is literally 50/50 with me… I just can’t decide. Also, I’m aware that my body may clear it soon. The doctor who did my colposcopy told me to put it in the back of my mind and enjoy life… don’t let my anxieties rule me.
And men’s knowledge I’ve discovered is POOR… both my brother and best male friend literally know nothing… despite me finding out their respective partners have HPV… I don’t think they are even aware the girls have it
Hiya, id be exactly the same as you in your position, but my OCD anxiety would be going crazy if i kept it to myself. My partner came out and told me before we slept together that he’d had HPV (in form of genital warts) when he was a young teenager and had them removed. He wasnt “a lad”, and didnt overly sleep around, he had mostly long term relationships. I respected he told me but i was also very nieve about it all. Completely uneducated about HPV, its not something thats spoken about like chlamydia etc, you dont get tested for it and unless you go to the STI clinic with the wart strain - then you dont no you carry it. I had abnormal bleeding when i was around 17yr old and the doctor gave me a smear test, which came back abnormal. Again, nothing was explained to me about what it was, just got sent away and told to repeat the smear in 12wks. I had the smear and it came back normal. So, i could have had HPV since a young teenager! Until the recent testing for HPV, i wasnt aware of what it was, didnt no it had different types, i just thought it caused warts! Had no idea the connection to cervical changes etc. It needs to be spoken about more. Since being diagnosed myself with HPV, im shocked at how many people i no whos has abnormal results on their smears. For something so common, its not spoken about enough xx
It definitely needs to be spoken about more. None of my friends will talk about anything like that. It’s just a shame with HPV… there’s no test really for men unless it turns out they have the wart strain. I genuinely believe it’s wrongly labelled as an sti… but it’s still labelled as it. If it wasn’t labelled as it I don’t think I would be worrying about disclosure in all honesty. I’ve always believed in safe sex so was gutted when I was told I had HPV. But… my doctor told me I could literally get it from anything… but other things say only really sexually… secretly I want to believe my doc 100%.
Part of me isn’t worrying, because it’s not part of standard sti screening so in my head it can’t be that big a deal. And because men aren’t tested… i can’t let it rule me.
I’m going to broach the subject with some close male friends of mine… see their views on it. But, they are all empathetic characters so I’m sure they won’t see an issue either way
Hi morgan
I can totally relate to your dilemma and anxieties as ive been living it too unfortunately. I had a hpv postive smear in april with abnormal cells. It was around the same time i got chatting to the most amazing man. I was majorly stressed awaiting my colonscopy and exhausted from googling my smear results. I didnt meet him until july. In august at my coloscopy i was told it will go on its own and to get on with my life. The consultant said my new man may also have hpv (but wouldnt know) or may previously have had it so may be immune. After a private test i know i dont have strains 16 or 18 so its unlikely if he caught it from me that it would cause any issues for him. Ive taken advice from jo’s trust, nurses, online help etc and the way forward for me is ive put it to the back of my mind and im having the best time with my amazing boyfriend. I dont know if i still have hpv. I dont know if he has hpv. I take ahcc and other vitimins and ive had the vaccination. There is nothing more i can do so i cant waste anymore time crying and stressing over it so im living my life. I hope this helps in some way
