Hospital phobia and urgent referral

Cervical screening results
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Hi all

I may sound completely insane here so I apologise in advance.

I have a medical/hospital phobia. I had my children at home because of this. I avoid doctors/dentists as much as humanly possible.

I started bleeding during/after sex a while back. It kept happening and eventually I thought I’d better ask about it.

Don’t shoot me, but I’d never had a smear before. I know, I know, but if you saw me at doctors/hospitals you’d understand why. It’s just an enormous, pathetic fear I have. I shake and cry and can’t get words out.

I went and the doctor was lovely, did an examination (while apologising and I cried), did some swabs and a smear whilst there, and then said my cervix looked very ‘vascular’ and referred me on a two week wait to the hospital. I asked for a female doctor at the very least because it’s just a huge, terrifying thing for me.

I have an appointment with gynaecology mid feb. I have been crying at least twice a day about this, worrying.

Then I get my smear results back which say high grade (severe) dys and I’m to be referred to colposcopy.

This has sent me in to overdrive. I’m a complete and utter mess. I am so deathly terrified of hospitals. I’m terrified of the lletz (which a colleague described to me in detail, trying to be helpful I think), I’m terrified of the chair you have to sit in, terrified of stirrups, terrified of the embarrassment, terrified of them doing a biopsy, terrified that it might be cancer and that would mean more visits to hospital, treatment, surgery etc.

If they have to do a lletz which since I’m on an urgent referral and the smear came back high grade I assume they’ll want to do, I’m going to have to be sedated I think. I don’t think I could cope with general, with catheters and breathing tubes and the hospital gowns/going to an actual theatre.

In short. I am insane. And I’m terrified of all of this. If it is cancer, I don’t think I can mentally cope with any of it. I’m not coping as it is. My doctor has prescribed me some diazepam but I’ve had it before and it didn’t touch the sides.
I just wish none of this was happening.

I’m really, really struggling with it all.

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I’m not sure if this will help you or not but I also have very similar fears. Mine have actually got worse as time has gone by and I’ve gone through two Lletz procedures with just LA and the last one in 2017 traumatised me as I was not numb.
I’ve just had a clear smear but the nurse saw what she thinks is a polyp. I’ve also been given diazepam and I’m not coping very well. It’s been a few weeks and I’ve gradually got my head around it all a bit but I am deathly afraid of the stirrups and being in that position. Please ask for a GA. I’m petrified of those too. I’m also petrified of any medical interventions whatsoever and when the nurse said she saw a ‘polyp’ I just haven’t been able to stop thinking ‘but what if it’s cancer’ I had a massive meltdown in the surgery and was hyperventilating thinking how would I cope if it’s cancer. But I guess we have no choice now, it is what it is down there and we are going to need to find a way to get treatment somehow. I wish more people understood this phobia though. I’ve asked my doctor to send me to therapy for health anxiety but of course waiting lists are high. Please try and be reassured that you’re not alone in this!! Other people are as terrified as yourself! I really hope we can both get treated and back to living our lives free from fear because we so deserve that

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HI Frenchie

I don’t have the same phobia as you although, similar to you, I avoided smear tests for partly fear based reasons.

I do think that the anticipation of something is is usually worse than the reality. When the chips were down you went to the doctor, had an examination and got through it. Don’t feel bad about crying, the important thing is you did it; well done it was an achievement indeed.

Do you have a friend/family member who could accompany you to appointments? Might that help?

Quite a number of women have sedation for a LLETZ, so don’t feel bad if that’s what you need.

I went quite crazy when I got my cervical cancer diagnosis (2017), ranting, raving, crying, didn’t think I could do it, didn’t want to me etc. When there isn’t a much choice ultimately we get on with it because we have to.

We’re all a bit different but as Emma387 says you’re not alone.

x

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Thank you all for your replies.

I had a text this morning from the colposcopy clinic to call and make an appointment. I made a very tearful call to them and they said I’d need a biopsy. Then booked me in for next Monday.

I then had a clinician call me because that lady had obviously written down that I was very distressed, I then sobbed at her down the phone. She was very kind to be fair. She said that because it was high grade dys they will definitely want to treat it, even without seeing me. She said they don’t offer sedation (explained my fear of GA is gowns/beds/breathing tubes/catheter) and it has to be GA. So I don’t have a choice in that.
She has said I can come in on Wednesday just to have a chat and to see where I’ll be going. No choice over the horrible stirrups either.

I picked up the diazepam my doctor prescribed today. Haven’t taken it yet but probably will as the night goes on.

I haven’t eaten at all today except one biscuit. I just can’t bear the thought of it. I just feel shaky and sick. I’m in a complete and utter state. I’m terrified of GA. Terrified of being unconscious, breathing apparatus, catheters, people messing around down there.

Why on earth don’t they offer sedation like they do at a dentist ?

I’m also really concerned that I can actually feel something - I don’t know if it’s psychological but I can swear I can feel my cervix feeling heavy. I’m so frightened it is cancer and that leads to more and more intervention and fear.

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It’s all so rubbish isn’t it :frowning:

Please try and eat something and look after yourself as much as possible. And def take the meds. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through it all. Have you rung Jos helpline at all? Please do if you haven’t already or the Samaritans if you’re struggling. They’ve helped me so much.
I’d be just the same as yourself! But I’ve gone through the Lletz twice and I’m glad you’ll be out of it while having it done. It’s stupid that you can’t be sedated :disappointed: are there any private clinics that offer sedation for it?

Please keep reaching out to us on here xx

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No I haven’t called the helpline. The timings aren’t great with when I work and I’m struggling to get the words out. I’ve emailed the Samaritans because I am feeling like I wish I wasn’t here. I just can’t cope with all of this. I’m not sure about private but I can’t afford it anyway.

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I read something on another website that helps people who need smears after a sexual assault and some of their resources helped me a lot. They said to think of the treatment as a choice you’re making, not something being done to you against your will. That’s helped me somewhat. I know realistically we can’t not go and have it sorted out, and I obviously am not advocating for that, but at the end of the day it is still a choice we’re making to go. Sending love to you. After next Monday at least the first stage will be done xx

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Hi there,
I completely understand everything you are saying. Reading this sounds exactly like me and what I am going through too. I too have a huge fear of hospitals and doctors. I have panic attacks every time I step foot in a hospital and cry for days leading up to it. I cannot talk or explain it to anyone, no one understands and think I am being stupid.

You aren’t being silly or overreacting at all it’s a real fear and I’m trying to get counselling to help with it. It’s good to finally hear someone that has the same fear/difficulty I have even though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hope everything goes okay and is sorted. Just know you aren’t the only one. (I know that doesn’t help).

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So sorry you feel this way. It’s such a horrible thing to have to go through especially when you have such an aversion to hospitals. I had to visit the colposcopy clinic on Monday and had a Lletz procedure. They gave me a local anaesthetic so I didn’t feel anything. The doctor also had to examine me to remove my coil as it was out of date now. The most painful part was getting the speculum put in, but I think that is down to not being relaxed. It is such a weird experience but seriously it was over quickly and it is better being seen than not. I tried deep breathing and trying to look out the window but it was the nurse’s chat and junior doctor (who was also there, training!) Who distracted me and enabled me to relax better. I wonder could you listen to music or something to try and distract you? A valium would prob help. Just keep asking questions and know you are not alone … Good luck xo

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Hi all. Thank you for all your lovely replies. I went and spoke to the nurse in the hospital. I was shaking like a leaf the whole time and she said she could see how obviously terrified I was. She has arranged for me to have the whole procedure under general anaesthetic. She was so, so kind. She even sent the clinic letter with confirmation of what we discussed with a little post it on with her direct number. What a wonderful lady she was.

I wish things like deep breathing, aromatherapy etc would work with this but it’s just a whole other psychological thing for me. She asked if I took any regular medication and I said no and she was like ‘really??’ I sa but the minute anything medical comes up I start to panic.

Anyway… I have to get through the terror of going to theatre and being put to sleep but it’s not as bad as the terror of being awake while they put a needle in my cervix and burn bits off it. I’ll be in and out in one day, and my mum is having my kids. I asked her if I didn’t need to see the consultant anymore because of the referral on the 2ww and she said if I could let her have a look at my cervix then and there, she could tell me if it wasn’t obviously cancerous (obviously can’t tell me it definitely isn’t but that there’s nothing visually bad to worry about). I shook all the way through that exam and had to sit in one of those awful chairs and she did apologise all the way through but she said I have an ectropian so that’s why I’m bleeding and she couldn’t see any masses or anything obviously cancerous. We’ll await the results after I’ve had my general but hopefully I never have to do this ever again!! I need a follow up smear after 6 months. If that’s ok, I can go back to 3 years which she made me promise to go to. I think I can manage those now, if I can meet the person who is going to do it beforehand and talk to them about how this all makes me feel.

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Just as an update. I had the lletz under general. Anyway, the biopsy came back as cancer. I have to have an MRI and CT.

I’m not coping very well.

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Hi Frenchie
Sorry to hear your biopsy came back as cancer. Can tell u are really struggling. I saw your previous post and mentioned Samaritans so hope you will reach out to them again if you need to

I know u may not be up to sharing but I hope your LLETZ got all your cancer and the scans are just a precaution. There is a specific forum here on the forum for recently disagnosed with cervical cancer

How old are you and your kids? You sound very strong and you mention your mum I hope she is supporting u and giving comfort and practical help. There are lots of age appropriate things to say to kids as well and you can also keep things private

Please don’t beat yourslef up about not having a smear for however long or having a hospital phobia xx

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I’m not sure. They have given me an appointment to go to on Monday. It’s an ordeal coming in to the hospital in the first place. I don’t know how on earth I’d cope with continually going there, for whatever awful treatment they decide on. I barely held it together to get the lletz under general. It was awful.
I have an 18m old and a 6 year old. I’m 35.

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You poor lady :frowning: so sorry this is happening to u. I hope the appointment helps answer some questions, even if it feels horrible going to it

Fingers crossed your cancer is caught early and that you need minimal appointments. If it helps pls vent/post here as much as you want to. Lovely ladies here to support u xx

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