I was so happy when I was told that cervical cancer would not claim my fertility. After all, I was only 27. My mind flashed back to 3 years earlier when my boyfriend put his hand on my stomach and whispered "I'm going to put a baby in there one day". That same boyfriend, 3 years on who shared every part of my life and was my rock and sounding board throughout my diagnosis. But then, just 2 days prior to my fertility sparing operation he announces, "I need to tell you that I don't want to have a baby with you anymore. I think you should get the hysterectomy to be safe". I decided there and then I needed to end the relationship because I wanted so desperately to have a child. He back peddled and said he won't rule it out and do do what feels right.
So, what "felt right" was proceeding with the radical abdominal trachelectomy. And he had told me what I wanted to hear so I decided to stay in the relationship. Throughout the hospital stay and recovery he was there for me unconditionally. Feeding me, hugging me, helping me off the couch and dealing with my every breakdown. I recovered, went back to work and got on with my life. We have had our ups and downs since then and on a couple of occasions he has told me he thinks that I made the wrong decision and am 'crazy' not to have got the radical hysterectomy. I have repeatedly explained the recurrence being similar with both ops to no avail. We recently had a conversation about the baby topic. It wasn't good timing because I had had a couple too many wines with dinner and it all came up. He flat out told me NO, he does not want children with me. Not because of health concerns, just because he is 'past that'. I moped around for a few days, cried over baby formula and nappy ads and once again, moved on and stayed in the relationship.
Then Tuesday (I'm now 29 and have been with the live in boyfriend 5 years), my oncologist discovers a lump during my 3 monthly check up that I am waiting on results as to whether it is or isn't the Big C returning. I'm anxious and scared all over again and of course the boyfriend reminds me that I should have had the hysterectomy. He also made a comment about "cervical cancer being an advanced sexually transmitted disease". I told him that people who have had one partner could contract HPV and get cervical cancer and he laughed and said "I don't think so". It infuriates me.
Now to get into the really awful part. Anyone reading this might just think I'm crazy for staying with this man. He has a hold on me, especially since he was so kind to me during my surgery recovery. A couple of years before my diagnosis I had put on a little weight (which I lost again...it was temporary), I was also getting really heavy periods. One night we were at a local bar and I was complaining a little about cramps and wanted to go home. He was annoyed at me that day and we had been fighting. He said in front of a mutual friend "You are fat and unhealthy and have the worst periods I've ever known a girl to have. You are going to get cancer and die by 40. And sometimes I hope you do". I didn't have cancer at that time and somehow I forgave him but those words play over and over in my mind now. He has apologised many times and feels bad but will also say things like "maybe I just had a feeling something would happen", makes me feel like he thinks he is a hero, rather than a complete so and so. On another occasion I attempted an adult conversation about separating because I wanted the chance at finding someone who also wanted a family and being able to do that. He said "well if you can't have a child and your uterus is f#$$%&, don't come crawling back to me".
This man who is 15 years older than me and already has a daughter of his own has this hold on me because I will miss him terribly if I leave but resent him completely if I stay. Obviously, there are good aspects of the relationship which is why I stay. I am terrified of the emotional low I will hit in the aftermath of the break up. I wanted to share my story because I feel I cannot express these things that are so painful to anyone close to me.
Has anyone struggled in a remotely similar situation? Any insights/advice would be much appreciated. I'm in Cancer's dingy little waiting room once again until these results come back and I have a uterus that is hanging by a thread and I just want the chance at fulfilling my life long dream to be a mother. I keep thinking he will change his mind even though I know I'm deluding myself. I need strength and clarity but have neither right now.