I was so happy when I was told that cervical cancer would not claim my fertility. After all, I was only 27. My mind flashed back to 3 years earlier when my boyfriend put his hand on my stomach and whispered "I'm going to put a baby in there one day". That same boyfriend, 3 years on who shared every part of my life and was my rock and sounding board throughout my diagnosis. But then, just 2 days prior to my fertility sparing operation he announces, "I need to tell you that I don't want to have a baby with you anymore. I think you should get the hysterectomy to be safe". I decided there and then I needed to end the relationship because I wanted so desperately to have a child. He back peddled and said he won't rule it out and do do what feels right.
So, what "felt right" was proceeding with the radical abdominal trachelectomy. And he had told me what I wanted to hear so I decided to stay in the relationship. Throughout the hospital stay and recovery he was there for me unconditionally. Feeding me, hugging me, helping me off the couch and dealing with my every breakdown. I recovered, went back to work and got on with my life. We have had our ups and downs since then and on a couple of occasions he has told me he thinks that I made the wrong decision and am 'crazy' not to have got the radical hysterectomy. I have repeatedly explained the recurrence being similar with both ops to no avail. We recently had a conversation about the baby topic. It wasn't good timing because I had had a couple too many wines with dinner and it all came up. He flat out told me NO, he does not want children with me. Not because of health concerns, just because he is 'past that'. I moped around for a few days, cried over baby formula and nappy ads and once again, moved on and stayed in the relationship.
Then Tuesday (I'm now 29 and have been with the live in boyfriend 5 years), my oncologist discovers a lump during my 3 monthly check up that I am waiting on results as to whether it is or isn't the Big C returning. I'm anxious and scared all over again and of course the boyfriend reminds me that I should have had the hysterectomy. He also made a comment about "cervical cancer being an advanced sexually transmitted disease". I told him that people who have had one partner could contract HPV and get cervical cancer and he laughed and said "I don't think so". It infuriates me.
Now to get into the really awful part. Anyone reading this might just think I'm crazy for staying with this man. He has a hold on me, especially since he was so kind to me during my surgery recovery. A couple of years before my diagnosis I had put on a little weight (which I lost again...it was temporary), I was also getting really heavy periods. One night we were at a local bar and I was complaining a little about cramps and wanted to go home. He was annoyed at me that day and we had been fighting. He said in front of a mutual friend "You are fat and unhealthy and have the worst periods I've ever known a girl to have. You are going to get cancer and die by 40. And sometimes I hope you do". I didn't have cancer at that time and somehow I forgave him but those words play over and over in my mind now. He has apologised many times and feels bad but will also say things like "maybe I just had a feeling something would happen", makes me feel like he thinks he is a hero, rather than a complete so and so. On another occasion I attempted an adult conversation about separating because I wanted the chance at finding someone who also wanted a family and being able to do that. He said "well if you can't have a child and your uterus is f#$$%&, don't come crawling back to me".
This man who is 15 years older than me and already has a daughter of his own has this hold on me because I will miss him terribly if I leave but resent him completely if I stay. Obviously, there are good aspects of the relationship which is why I stay. I am terrified of the emotional low I will hit in the aftermath of the break up. I wanted to share my story because I feel I cannot express these things that are so painful to anyone close to me.
Has anyone struggled in a remotely similar situation? Any insights/advice would be much appreciated. I'm in Cancer's dingy little waiting room once again until these results come back and I have a uterus that is hanging by a thread and I just want the chance at fulfilling my life long dream to be a mother. I keep thinking he will change his mind even though I know I'm deluding myself. I need strength and clarity but have neither right now.
Hi I think you need to really sit down and evaluate your relationship, personally he would have been gone as soon as he spoke to me like that in front of his friend, he is disrespectful and a bully. Only you know what to do but would you really want a child with a man who treats you like that?. You and many woman opt to try and conserve their fertility and I dont blame you. I think your situation is being made worse by him.
Hold your horses and try to stay strong till you find out what the lump is, once you know either way you need to gather some strength either to get some confidence and get rid of him or to fight the cancer.
Do you have anyone family or friends who you can talk to? speak to the nurses explain your worry. Let us know how you get on. I f you want to private message me I will at anytime :)
Why would you give up your chance of having a baby by trying to hang on to this jerk? Sorry if that's a bit harsh. But I tell you, if I had the slightest chance of being able to have a chid I would not give it up because of a guy who treats me with such disrespect. I hope everything goes ok at your next appointment. Xxx
Oh my word, what a horrible place you are in right now.
You know your boyfriend is not the best news, you said yourself you know we will think you are crazy for being with him so you don't need me to go on about you need to get rid, etc as this will not help. I know what it is like to be in a relationship when you think you cannot survive without that other person because you have been together for so long and you have had so many good times along the way that you are willing to gloss over those times that he has been incredibly mean and insensitive. You make excuses but still think it is the best situation as the break up time is so heart wrenching and you are so scared a of being lonely.
This must feel ten times as worse as you have been ill and think that you will again so need his support. But he is not giving you support sweetheart, not properly. He is making you feel bad about helping yourself to preserve any hope of being a mum. He has a child so cannot understand what it would mean to never be a parent. The blame he is putting on you for perhaps being sick again by not choosing a hysterectomy last time is unforgivable. You need to move on, but easier said than done. T
The fact you say you cannot tell anyone what you have written here tonight concerns me most, are you sure there is no one? Or is it that you just don't want to burden them? Be brave and open up to someone. If you really think you can't, then contact Macmillan or the phone line here as I am sure there will be someone there who could help you and talking to someone is going to be much better than waiting for written replies.
There is no easy way for you I'm afraid. But you are young. If you end up not needing a hysterectomy then you still have a few years to be a mum so wasting more time on your present bf should not be an option. Get out there and find someone else. Be kind to yourself. Don't let someone else rule your life and ruin your dreams. I hope you are able to see a little more clearly tomorrow and make moves to make sure whatever happens next is best for you. Whatever you do, don't just let things happen to you, make sure you make them happen. Good luck Donna X
Thank you so much for your replies. Once I start typing I really get going, so apologies if it's a bit lengthy.
Emma - you are so right. I really shouldn't have ever allowed him to treat me like that and put up with it, even back before the CC diagnosis. I seem to have a pattern of falling for the wrong men. I was in a physically abusive relationship prior and somehow I have justified the emotional stuff by self talk along the lines of "well at least he doesn't hit me". I know I deserve a better relationship, it's just an easy way out to stay and a way of putting my emotions on the back burner. I agree that I need to hold my horses until I find out what is going on with this new lump. I am on the waiting list for a day surgery within the next 2 weeks under GA to remove it and see what is going on. They did biopsy it though so hopefully I know something this week.
I do have family and friends to talk to, when I have started to scrape the surface they go into intervention mode and want to get my bags packed there and then and have me moved out. Maybe it's what I need but I should really be my own saviour instead of being 'rescued' by family or friends. A friend I have confided in has now given me a time frame and has told me he will personally contact my parents and tell them everything if I don't make the move myself.
Tes309 - your words are pretty much exactly the kind of thing I need to hear. I feel so incredibly selfish that I still possibly have the chance for a child while there are people in a much worse situation who would give anything to have the opportunity. I am quite strong in most other aspects of my life and yet when it comes to this relationship I'm weak and frankly pathetic. I wish you all the very best and thank you for your reply, it definitely helps me put things into perspective.
Donna - you hit the nail on the head. It's this horrible fear of being lonely and also a fear that I won't actually meet someone in time anyway (I don't want to be a desperate woman running around trying to get hitched and pregnant with a timer ticking in my head). Then I think, but really it's just giving myself the opportunity by leaving because deep down I know it's the right thing to do. I have actually left once before and after a week we met up to talk and I moved back in like nothing happened because he told me exactly what I wanted to hear. I also feel somehow inferior to other women my age after my surgery. I think things like, what if I meet the right man and he wants a child? Is it fair on him that it might not happen with me? I also have some bleeding during intercourse and worry that is very off putting for a new partner. I have spoken about some of these feelings with the hospital psychologist and she has basically told me to picture myself as an old lady and decide what I would regret more. Not giving myself the opportunity to be a mother or the temporary pain felt as a result of leaving a relationship that isn't right. I know the answer, but that's not really the road block. I come up with the most insane reasons to stay in this relationship like "We both like spicy food", "he doesn't mind that I have fine hair and wear a volumising hair piece", "he tells me my scar across my belly is beautiful", "we both like Asian food and red wine". Then when I write them down hear, I realise that there are plenty of other people who could tick those boxes without also being so completely insensitive about the things that are so deeply fundamental in a healthy relationship.
Thank you again for your replies. What lovely, kind women you all are xx
stay strong hun, me and my partner have rowed a lot since my diagnosis but its all stress related, you sound like you are really caught up, sometimes the hardest option is the one that you need to make. He isnt treating you well and you now he isnt. I hope you work things out, do what makes you happy xxx
You have beaten cancer, this just shows what a strong woman you are! Now, get out there and get what you deserve. A lovely partner and a shot at having the family you want.
You have got to live life! Don't let it happen to u. Accept its gonna be a sad time for a while but it sounds like you have people around you to be there for you. I agree totally the regrets comment. If you don't do this, you will regret it one day, maybe not for years but you will.
As for a new partner being put off by your medical issues?? He's not the one to be with then. There are plenty of caring, understanding, loving, tender blokes out there- it just sounds like you haven't experienced them. Be strong. Get the results then make those important next step decisions.
I'd just like to tell you part of my story which is not really cancer related but more relationship based. I split up with my boyfriend of 5 years in July last year and at the time I thought it was the end of the world. 3 months later I met a man who is now, what I would call the love of my life, he has been so supportive throughout my diagnosis and for the temporary hurt I went through, I wouldn't change anything.
Only you can decide what you will do but I just thought I would let you know that a few weeks/months of heartbreak can sometimes turn into the best thing you have ever done in your life.
Emma, Tess and Donna - Thank you so much for your kind and honest words again. I'm blown away by the support offered on this forum. Relationships are hard at the best of times, but throw CC into the mix and things become even more complicated. Sending love and strength to you all. Thanks for lending me some of your strength, what amazing women! xx
Katy - Thank you so much for sharing your story! Such an inspiration to me. Also, best of luck for your trach later this month. I had a radical abdominal trachelechtomy late July last year. If you have any questions about the operation, recovery etc, please ask :) xx
Just read your story. It's heartbreak. I think your partner is not well informed about cc.I was diagnosed and I have only been with my husband. I've only ever been with him.we met when we were 13.so tell your bully of a partner he doesn't know what he's talking about.
I hope everything goes okay for you chick and the results come back ok.I hope everything goes okay in the future and you can have your family.it sounds like you will be a good mum.thinking of you.keep us updated on your progress.fingers crossed.thinking of you xx
Thank you so much. Your words are very comforting. I'm going in for my day surgery to remove the new tumor in 2 days so hoping for the best. I will keep you updated.
The surgery went well. They seemed fairly positive after the procedure but I'm still waiting on results so holding my breath a little. Trying to stay positive and hoping for the best! Thank you. Will update once I know xx
