My Partner has finally had enough & is leaving, i resent him for this as it's only 7 months since my second operation, i've tried explaining that it's not my fault i have no sexual feelings, he just thinks i don't love him
Thanks
Mandy xx
Mandy
So sorry to read this. Its so hard....... especially after everything all the ladies on here have been through.
Takecare
Thanks Tracy
I'm just glad to be hear to be able to write this as my cancer went undiagnosed for 5yr despite having yearly smears, i had treatment in 2008 for stage 1A1 cervical cancer, i was told all margins were clear & didn't require any further treatment just annual smears, so it was a big shock to discover last year Nov 2013 that when i went in for a hysterectomy to discover that they found stage 1B1 cervical cancer, oncology doctor thoought they hadn't cleared it all since 2008 & that it been slow growing, i've suffered panic/anxiety attacks for years, so all this has just added to my mental health, had to have a radical parametrectomy 7 weeks after my hysterectomy to make sure it hadn't spread, was in theatre over 5hrs as there was damage to my bladder to, i've not had no sexual feelings since, all my partner does is put pressure on me, i have permanent swelling in my groin area, my leg aches from where i had pelvic lymph nodes removed, i still have off days so maybe it's for the best if he leaves, makes me cry as ive been so strong for so long :(
Takecare
Mandy xx
hi mandy, i too have problems being intimate. i have hardly any sex drive whatsoever. my partner, like uours seems to think i dont care but to be honest i dont feel like the old me. cancer has changed me on the outside as well as in. i also have pelvic swelling due to lymphodema. ive been through an awful lot and sex is the furthest thing on my mind. you are a strong woman to go through what you have and shouldnt have to explain its not your fault, he should understand. take care hun and stay strong. lea xxx
Hello Mandy
It just proves that women are the stronger sex. Men can't handle stress & worry the way we can - I don't care if people think its sexist, it's what I believe. You have been going through hell with your physical & mental health and from what I read it's still ongoing. Obviously, your partner is not able to cope with all of this or maybe he thought that at some point it would be over & things could go back to normal, including your sex life. A lot of us ladies who have had surgery & radio, will have problems with bladder, bowel etc - I certainly have. And the permanent swelling you describe in the groin area - so attractive. Apart from that, the sex drive has taken a dive, into oblivion for most of us especially after radical hysterectomy where you are not the same shape or size physically anyway, plus radio which shrinks & shrivels up what's left! Even with a loving partner, the fear of attempting sex whether you feel like it or not is a major thing! To find your partner less than understanding must be so hurtful for you. Maybe it is for the best as you say, you certainly don't need the pressure he puts on you. Recovering & living with the side effects is hard enough without this. You need really to concentrate on yourself, maybe if your partner leaves he will realise that maybe he's being selfish when all you need is love & support, not pressure.
Mandy
Wow you have really been through a tough time, both physically and mentally..... I really hope you are on the road to recovery now.
If your partner isnt supporting you, then to be honest maybe its for the best......
To get where you have you must of been strong and that strenght and determination will still be there - albeit sometimes taking a day off !!! lol..... Give it time and dont be too hard on yourself.
Take care
Tracey
Hi Mandy,
My boyfriend said he didn't want to date CancerGirl after I had surgery and they found it had spread and I'd need chemo/radio. From being the guy who was my rock and said we'd get through it together, he went to being the guy who said "It was fun til you got cancer" Ha!!! So I know pretty much how you feel. The way my body is at the moment (squidgy swollen pubic mound, I smell funny, I've lost so much weight you could drive a truck through my thigh gap) I don't think I'd want to have sex anyway. Though saying that I do miss it. I'd just have to do it in the dark or something! Anyway, the way I think of it is - who would look after them if they got cancer eh??! Not us anymore! I hope you have plenty of support around you - friends, family, etc. I hope you're not at home being a hermit all the time, that will never do! (says the girl who went to her mate's the other day and fell asleep on his sofa for 3 hours. It was ok, he went off and did his ironing.) We shall get through this and be happy with someone else one day! A grownup man who will be able to take what we've been through in his stride!
Wishing you all the best my dear,
Mandy (another one!) xxx
P.S. on a more serious note, do you have a MacMillan counsellor? I've found mine invaluable, and I can have a rant about my recently-ex boyfriend and her eyes don't glaze over, unlike all my mates.
Mandy xxx
Hi ladies
Thank-you all so much for your replies,i was seeing a Macmillan counsellor but i was finding it difficult to see her every 2 weeks as the hospital is quite a way from where i live & it meant relying on a lift, my doctor has put me in touch with a counsellor for some CBT therapy to see if that helps, my partner swore he'd help me through this & wait for me to be better, he thinks because it's 7 months that i should be over it now, live tried to explain that i can never be the same person i was, the cancer has changed me to both on the inside & outside, i'm suffering quite bad anxiety right now & every little pain i feel i'm off to the doctor, even though the histology results were good & my pelvic check-ups since have all been good, i can't forget what's happened, i've lost all confidence, i don't go out anymore, all i wanna do is recover without the stress of him pressuring me, you're right i should be thinking of myself & putting my health 1st, he thinks i'm being selfish, he's made me cry nearly everyday this week :(
(((Hugs)))
Mandy xxx
Hi just wanted to say i totally agree that men cannot handle stress and worry like we do. After my fatigue and sickness kicked in my partner became use less around the house, I actually got my eldest son to move back for a while as he couldn't cope with the house work and a job!!!, gosh us ladies manage it everyday of our lives, its a known fact MEN CANNOT MULTI TASK!!!, in fact my partner has stressed me out more over my treatment period than in the last 20 years together!!, you so don't need a man like this, my relationship is on a break and I finish my treatment tomorrow, won't be going home but to my mums as she's been fantastic, if he decides that he can be a man and support me then perhaps I'll give it another go or perhaps I won't, you need time and support from people who care. X
LADIES!!!!!I am totally shocked at the amount of spineless,selfish,immature
men that are out there....It say's everything about them that they are not able
to cope at such an awful period in YOUR life not theirs!!Who the hell do they
think they are.It's not about them it's about you and if they are not man
enought to cope with the real world then F**K off! I am so angry that anybody
would put their own feelings first,especially when it's to do with sex...That's
supposed to be the ultimate connection between two people that love and care
for one another,not something to be used as a barganing tool,or to massage their
falling ego's.......Crickey I am absoulutly furious,hope I never bump into one of
these sad excuses of a man I think I'd have to hold myself back!!!!
You are well and truly better off without them.
Hopefully you will now be able to get on with your healing without them sapping
your energy.
All the very best for the future.There are true men out there,which is what you
deserve.
Hugs,Becky xx
WOW Rebecca - I like your tone! I couldn't agree with you more but I was afraid to go too far in saying what I really thought of these "men". but you've nailed it! I just think their brain is in their underpants, they're so selfish thinking only about their own needs.
LOL! Yeah reading back I realise I come across abit strong.....But
I say what I feel.Hope you are doing ok,and thanks for your previous
post's they have been very helpful to me.
Becky x
Hi Ladies
Thanks for your replies, made me realise i don't need someone like that in my life, guna put myself 1st for a change & think of my health without any stress or pressure, had a little chuckle at your comment Rebecca01 lol, you hit the nail on the head
Take Care
Mandy xxx
Your welcome Mandy,glad I made you smile Xx
Becky,
A big hi-five to you ;)
Cancer - separates the men from the boys!!!!
Mandy xx
I just want to echo what everyone else has said, you (we) and our health is ALL that matters throughout this. Any man who cannot see the physical and emotional impact of this on their partner is not a man worthy of a place in our hearts or a space in our homes. I do acknowledge that this is perhaps easy for me to say as my boyfriend has been incredible. Yes the house isn't as tidy as I would like and yes the dishwasher is generally full, and yes the kids look like urchins, but he is really trying....however last night I found him googling cleaning agencies locally!
Stay strong ladies, believe in yourself and your own strength and please do not stick with some guy who only thinks you're wonderful before your life involves hospitals, treatment, surgical stockings and stitches.
Ruthie
Irregular smear May 2014: Colposcopy 10th June 2014: diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 1B on 24th June 2014: Trachelectomy 13th August 2014. 28th August -informed that the cancer is very aggressive and will require either a full hysterectomy or chemo and radiotherapy.
