Worries over first smear (survivor and transgender)

content warning for sexual trauma below  

 

first of all i have a few things to explain. when i was in my teens i was sexually groomed and violated but never penetrated vaginally and i have remained a virgin ever since out of traumatic fear. i am also a 25 year old transgender man, who has been putting off my screening for 6 months. i have a lot of fear and stress regarding my vagina and just thinking about the test makes me cry instantly. 

 

but i booked my test today, it's due in october. i know how important it is and that a few moments of pain is safer than the alternative. but i am really scared that due to my anxiety and status as a virgin, the test will be painful and the nurse wont be able to perform the test on me properly. 

 

i feel really alone in my experience but wanted to reach out and see if there was anyone who might be able to offer some wisdom or support regarding these anxieties? i dont want to buckle and cancel, i really want the test but I’m scared i will have a panic attack or something. 

 

http://www.mybodybackproject.com/services-for-women/mbb-clinics/

These guys come highly recommended if you are London based. They work with women and trans men

Also there is a Twitter account called AtYourCervix that provide online support and advice for people who are survivors of sexual abuse but who want to access smears. 

Some sexual health clinics have people who are specially trained to perform smears on people who find them difficult for whatever reason. You could ask your GP if there is anything like that in your area.

Whatever you decide to do, it is important that you are able to take all the time you need to discuss your situation with whoever will do the smear  until you are as comfortable as you can be. Even if that means making several appointments. 

I hope you find what you need. 

Jx 

Thank you for the links, I am outside of london but will see if my GP can refer me to one of those places mentioned, I appreciate the help thank you