can't believe I've got myself into such a state that I am now posting to a cervical cancer forum!

9 years ago now (2004) I had an abnormal smear, sent for colposcopy, Lletz procedure, CIN3 diagnosed and removed.  Since then I have regularly attended my yearly smear tests (I act as soon as I recieve my reminder letter) and each time the results have been normal.

Over the last few months I have what can only be described as feeling 'odd/not right'. Flushes, heavy periods, continuous lower back ache, dizzy spells, period pains any time through my cycle ( I'm 44 and have never suffered period pains or heavy bleeding), odd 'blackish/brown' discharge about a week before my period.  I was feeling slightly apprehensive when I went for my yearly smear test on 17th of this month.  Without wanting to sound like a hypochondriac I didnt mention anything to the nurse doing the test.  I keep putting it down to age and stresses at work.  When she was doing the smear she asked if I had had any previous treatment as there was a 'lump' on my cervix.  When I said I have had a previous biopsy she said 'oh that'll be it then'.  I did think this was odd as no-one has ever mentioned this 'lump' before and like I said its 9 years since that treatment.

I eventually got my results today after 2 long weeks of waiting and reading everything I can find regarding CIN, cervical cancer etc etc.  The results show 'abnormalities' and also 'show evidence of high risk HPV infection'.  It goes on to say I should hear from the colposcopy clinic within the next 4-6 weeks!!!

Am I over reacting and freaking out un-naturally????  12 months ago everything was fine.  Now I have a 'lump' on my cervix, 'abnormalities' detected and 'high risk HPV'.  Is is coincidence I have been saying for months 'I just don't feel right'  'I feel generally unwelll and can't put my finger on it'?  That's a lot of changes in a short period of time!  A lot more can happen in another couple of months at this rate while I wait for colposcopy and more results.  Logically I keep telling myself to not worry it can't be anything untoward I have such regular smear tests and all have been normal.  But my mind keeps telling logic to 'do one'!!!!!

I feel so alone with this, my close friends live over 300 miles away in the south.  I moved to Yorkshire last year to be close to my daughter as she was recently diagnosed with a progressive, incurable, rare disease (mitochondrial disease) and I am here for support for her!  My mum and dad are currently spending the next 6 months in Spain.  I have no partner and live alone.  I have very good work colleagues but don't feel close enough to off load all this to any of them.

How do we stay sane????

Di x