Right. Here goes.
I'm not very good at speaking of my feelings, nor discussing my lady-parts. So here goes.
I've been through the LLETZ procedure before, and I really didn't think it was that bad. What's far worse is all the waiting. They make you wait weeks and months for results or your procedure date. So naturally, I thought of and worried about everything possible. Every day I swung between panicking about dying of cancer and making peace with it- even planning my funeral with my friends. Of course as sweet as they were, most of them are lads, and they didn't really understand. I felt lonely. I felt like there was a big C-monster following me everywhere, and eventually it would catch up with me.
Even when you've not actually been diagnosed with cancer, and it's just CIN, and you're going through a pretty routine and non-painful procedure, the C-word follows you everywhere. It's like those nightmares where you're running away from something down a never ending corridoor, and the end just gets further and further away.
As a Researcher by trade, I read everything, and the more I learn the more information I have to process and the more it worries me- then the more questions I have. What if this keeps happening? What if I need a hysterectomy? What if I get cancer, and is it inevitable I get cancer with recurring CIN3? What if I get really sick and have to move back to my parent's house 6hrs away, away from my partners and friends? Will this be it for my career; I was just beginning. I had amazing plans, I wanted to help people...
So many questions swimming through my head, but there's never anything or anyone to sit down and speak with me. My gyno is a cold lady, and I can't talk to her. But maybe that's just what happens to people when they've seen it all, and a raving, dramatic lunatic sits down asking them about the research paper they wrote on CIN 10yrs ago.
What does one do with so many thoughts and unanswered questions, where friends are not knowedgable to answer, but experts are too busy to be approached?
I'm supported and loved like crazy, but I feel completely alone with this monster. I'm so tired.