Worried about everything

Right. Here goes.

I'm not very good at speaking of my feelings, nor discussing my lady-parts. So here goes.

I've been through the LLETZ procedure before, and I really didn't think it was that bad. What's far worse is all the waiting. They make you wait weeks and months for results or your procedure date. So naturally, I thought of and worried about everything possible. Every day I swung between panicking about dying of cancer and making peace with it- even planning my funeral with my friends. Of course as sweet as they were, most of them are lads, and they didn't really understand. I felt lonely. I felt like there was a big C-monster following me everywhere, and eventually it would catch up with me.

Even when you've not actually been diagnosed with cancer, and it's just CIN, and you're going through a pretty routine and non-painful procedure, the C-word follows you everywhere. It's like those nightmares where you're running away from something down a never ending corridoor, and the end just gets further and further away.

As a Researcher by trade, I read everything, and the more I learn the more information I have to process and the more it worries me- then the more questions I have. What if this keeps happening? What if I need a hysterectomy? What if I get cancer, and is it inevitable I get cancer with recurring CIN3?  What if I get really sick and have to move back to my parent's house 6hrs away, away from my partners and friends? Will this be it for my career; I was just beginning. I had amazing plans, I wanted to help people...

So many questions swimming through my head, but there's never anything or anyone to sit down and speak with me. My gyno is a cold lady, and I can't talk to her. But maybe that's just what happens to people when they've seen it all, and a raving, dramatic lunatic sits down asking them about the research paper they wrote on CIN 10yrs ago.

What does one do with so many thoughts and unanswered questions, where friends are not knowedgable to answer, but experts are too busy to be approached?

I'm supported and loved like crazy, but I feel completely alone with this monster. I'm so tired.


I'm so sorry you're feeling so much worry. i think the fear created by cervical screening is a health hazard in itself. I also like to research, and I found a book called The Patient Paradox by Dr. Margaret McCartney very helpful. It's a sceptics look at the screening process, and whether or not you agree with everything she says, it's very reassuring. Cervical cancer is scary, but it's rare, and the vast majority of CIN cases don't become cancerous. Trust your instincts and your mind, and if you feel like asking questions then do!

We don't have full informed choice about the LLETZ. I experienced side effects not fully researched in any paper, and I think doctors should respect us more and be there for our concerns. 

If we really want to help prevent cancer and other illnesses, then medics need to understand that our minds and emotions are not irrelevant, it's important for our health that we can feel at ease.