Whinge Alert! (Children Mentioned)

Hi All

Just having a general moan really. My Rad Hyst is booked for Tuesday next week, I thought I had got my head round the whole thing, but today I am really unsure.

To give you a bit of background - I have always wanted 3 children ever since I was young. I had my first baby at 32 and my second when I was 34 and planned to have another one around now, so the gap between them all was fairly small. After the second one my husband decided he didn't want any more children, where as I still did. This led to quite a lot of discussions over the last year, to the point where he had booked himself into the GP to see about getting the snip (as he didn't want any 'accidents'). I was so upset that he agreed to reconsider and think about it again in another year. In the meatime I had my abnormal smear last November and ongoing apps until May, when I was diagnosed with AdenoSquamous.

When we went to the hospital to get the diagnosis one of the things we were asked was if we wanted any more children - 'No' pipes up my husband immediately. We had to wait for the results of the MRI before they decided on my treatment and in the meantime my husband said if they decided on a Cone Biopsy, then we could start trying for another baby asap - this was his suggestion with no prompting from me. When the nurse rang with the results from the MDT she said I'd need a hysterectomy - I asked about a trachelectomy - to which she replied, 'well, your husband doesn't want any more children' and totally dismissed the idea. I asked about the trach when we went to see the consultant and was surprised they said they would offer this to me - but again my husband then pipes up that he doesn't want any more kids! This left me feeling totally unsupported in even thinking about having the trach, so I felt pressured into having the hyst and they asked me to sign the consent forms there and then. I told him in the car afterwards how upset he made me - why say one thing to me and then say another to the medical staff? He said he would support me if I decided to have the trach, but that he didn't think the additional risk was worth it and that he'd only said about trying for another baby to cheer me up the day of my diagnosis, as he thought I'd need the more radical surgery, so it would never really have been going to happen.

I did a lot of research into both options and eventually decided the rad hyst was the best option with the type of cancer I have. I wasn't happy about this,but I had sort of resolved myself to it. Now over the past few days my husband has started making comments like 'oh you probably would have persuaded me to have another baby if this hadn't have happenned' and 'have you looked into saving some eggs' - they are leaving my ovaries anyway. This really upset me as all along he has been against this and now at this late stage he seems to be changing his mind and making me very confused. I confronted him about this this morning and he said, 'Oh I don't really want another one, I was just trying to be nice.' As if dealing with the whole prospect of surgery and possible further treatment wasn't enough, I am now totally confused about if I have made the right decision. He has said sorry, but I really don't think he gets how cruel he's been dangling the option of another child and then taking it away again.

Right, rant over! Feel a bit better for getting that off my chest! He's now topped the 'at least you haven't got breast cancer, I'd hate to have breast cancer' comment of my boss!!

Best Wishes.xxx 

Oh, beware the 'trying to be nice' husband. When they get it wrong, they really get it wrong, don't they?

All I'll say, is that in the same way that we are scared and confused, stressed and hypersensitive, they have been thrust into a new and crazy world too. I suspect that most of us have felt that our menfolk don't really understand the way we think at the best of times and this really isn't the best of times. I think we should all get a special dispensation for trauma induced craziness after a cancer diagnosis (which can be revoked in the case of serial offenders).

Grieving for your loss of fertility is very normal. It sounds like you know in your heart what was the right decision for you in terms of treatment options but it's understandable that this should play on your mind as you get nearer the surgery date. Sometimes there is no right answer, only the least wrong one and that takes some time to adjust to.

If its really playing on your mind, it might be an idea to talk it through with someone who isn't as invested in the whole thing - maybe try the Jo's Helpline? I've never used it but I know other women have found it helpful.

Anyway, best of luck for  next week and do let us know how you get on.xxx

p.s. re the 'at least you haven't got breast cancer' comment - I know the mature thing is to appreciate that clumsy comments don't necessarily come from a bad place, but sometimes pointing out that someone is being an insensitive plonker feels really good.  There is no such thing as 'nice to have' cancer Foot in Mouth

Hi gardening

my heart goes out to you I'm sure your hubby thought he was trying to cheer you up in that moment and not thinking if the moments later on sure he didn't mean to get your hopes up n then dash them again men unfortunately just see thing different from us. 

If you are really unsure what to do please don't go for the op just because its booked you are what's important in this not the hospital even if its on the day of the op but please check with hubby that he is 100% on what he wwants I myself may have to have a rad hsyt as my ready lots came back with high grade cgin and cin3 couldn't wait for September for them to have a mdt meeting as was going mental so went to see my doc to see what she thinks they will say she recons they will push the rad hyst thnever didn't want any more children as my last I have suffered from post natal depression n even nearly 7 years on tho much better still suffer always wanted 5 children but this put me of but now it looks like the choice is out of my hands it's a bitter pill to swallow so I can imagine it being so much harder for you knowing its still what you want longing for a child is hard it took me 4 years to conceive my last do is truly hard stay strong and please keep me informed hope all goes well for you hugs jayne xxx

Helo Gargeng,

Sorry you're feeling this way. Rosehip's replya nd advise is spot on I think.

Looks like  your 1b1, in my experience I am sorry to say, that doesn't give you the option of a cone biopsy... so this may be why the med staff have not suggested it, not just because of your husband's comments.

I can 't tell you how to feel, or what to do... but you have two children who need their mum safe and well, and the hysterechtomy gives you this. I was lucky to be able to have a cone, as I have no children and I didn't want the cancer to dictate if we will or won't in the future. However, it still scares me that the cancer can come back because I only had the tumor removed, not the whole area. I'd find that worry very hard to live with if I had a family who depend on me... my husband's helpful/nice comment when I was told I could have a cone was 'Great, have the op, knock out a couple of kids, then we'll book you in for the hysterechtomy' !!!!

I am sure you husbadn just wants you around to watch your two kids grow, rather than risk you becomming very ill, but adding another child to the family....

Losing your fertility must be so very hard, and sad - but beating cancer is oh so liberating.

Good luck with everything. Do talk to your husband, reassure and support each other, you're both going through hell, you may as well do it together.

Lots of love x x