Just having a general moan really. My Rad Hyst is booked for Tuesday next week, I thought I had got my head round the whole thing, but today I am really unsure.
To give you a bit of background - I have always wanted 3 children ever since I was young. I had my first baby at 32 and my second when I was 34 and planned to have another one around now, so the gap between them all was fairly small. After the second one my husband decided he didn't want any more children, where as I still did. This led to quite a lot of discussions over the last year, to the point where he had booked himself into the GP to see about getting the snip (as he didn't want any 'accidents'). I was so upset that he agreed to reconsider and think about it again in another year. In the meatime I had my abnormal smear last November and ongoing apps until May, when I was diagnosed with AdenoSquamous.
When we went to the hospital to get the diagnosis one of the things we were asked was if we wanted any more children - 'No' pipes up my husband immediately. We had to wait for the results of the MRI before they decided on my treatment and in the meantime my husband said if they decided on a Cone Biopsy, then we could start trying for another baby asap - this was his suggestion with no prompting from me. When the nurse rang with the results from the MDT she said I'd need a hysterectomy - I asked about a trachelectomy - to which she replied, 'well, your husband doesn't want any more children' and totally dismissed the idea. I asked about the trach when we went to see the consultant and was surprised they said they would offer this to me - but again my husband then pipes up that he doesn't want any more kids! This left me feeling totally unsupported in even thinking about having the trach, so I felt pressured into having the hyst and they asked me to sign the consent forms there and then. I told him in the car afterwards how upset he made me - why say one thing to me and then say another to the medical staff? He said he would support me if I decided to have the trach, but that he didn't think the additional risk was worth it and that he'd only said about trying for another baby to cheer me up the day of my diagnosis, as he thought I'd need the more radical surgery, so it would never really have been going to happen.
I did a lot of research into both options and eventually decided the rad hyst was the best option with the type of cancer I have. I wasn't happy about this,but I had sort of resolved myself to it. Now over the past few days my husband has started making comments like 'oh you probably would have persuaded me to have another baby if this hadn't have happenned' and 'have you looked into saving some eggs' - they are leaving my ovaries anyway. This really upset me as all along he has been against this and now at this late stage he seems to be changing his mind and making me very confused. I confronted him about this this morning and he said, 'Oh I don't really want another one, I was just trying to be nice.' As if dealing with the whole prospect of surgery and possible further treatment wasn't enough, I am now totally confused about if I have made the right decision. He has said sorry, but I really don't think he gets how cruel he's been dangling the option of another child and then taking it away again.
Right, rant over! Feel a bit better for getting that off my chest! He's now topped the 'at least you haven't got breast cancer, I'd hate to have breast cancer' comment of my boss!!