I've never done this before and I'm not very good at articulating stuff, so here goes...
I was 'invited' (they make it sound like you're attending tea and cake with your local nurse!)for my first smear test in July 13.
I didn't think anything of it, booked, attended and went on my way. Iqq don't think it even crossed my mind until i recieved a letter saying
I had low grade Dyskarosis and I'm high risk HPV and should be sent for a colposcopy investigation as soon as possible.
Ok, that's fine...
...We do not think you have CANCER but in very rare cases this can blah blah blah....
WHAT?! Talk about a smack in the face! That hadn't even crossed my mind!
I had my first colposcopy in Sept 13, which was generally a whirlwind.
Now would be the point to tell you I'm the worst at having any form of procedure that involves breaking skin.
We're talking needles, biopsies, stitches etc. This really is a massive issue for me,
it controls a massive part of my life but is a whole other story completely! I'll try and explain the best I can as I go.
Basically, my colposcopy showed I had abnormal cells and she wanted a biopsy I simply wasn't going to be able to give her.
Please don't think I don't know the implications of this... I've been beating myself up since.
She did say she wasn't massively concerned and so long as I knew the risks, she would call for me again in six months.
So I put it to the back of my mind. I hosted Christmas for the inlaws, planned our wedding and got married on 14th Feb 14!
And then recieved my appointment for 10th March 14 back at the colposcopy clinic. I was really nervous this time, I knew I needed
to have the biopsy. I got myself that worked up, I called up the day before and asked if there was anything I could do for my nerves.
Everyone I've encountered at all of my appointments have been brilliant. The lady I spoke to pleaded with me not to ignore my appointment
(which I wouldn't have done) even if we only got as far as a chat with the nurse. So after chattering my teeth in the waiting room for 15 mins, I was called in.
She told me straight away that she wasn't going to do the biopsy, she was going to look to see if there were any changes, then we would take it from there.
I relaxed a little, sat back and listened to Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing on the radio. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the choice of song and it's timing!
Laughing made the whole thing a little easier to deal with.
Anyway, my colposcopy showed quite dramatic changes, she did a smear test and said she was going to book me straight in for a LLETZ under GA.
I got my results of high grade Dyskarosis and high risk HPV. It wasn't anything I didn't already know but
that hasn't stopped it turning my life upside down since then.
I have an appointment on the 15th April and will be offered the LLETZ procedure under a LA. If not, I'll sign the consent form and be put
on an eight week waiting list.
Bearing in mind I was stupid enough not to have had any biopsies through all of this and how significant the changes in the time scale, I'm well aware
I'm playing with fire. And it's doing my head in. I'm a strong willed woman and I've never let anything get on top of me but I can't seem to shake the feeling of suffocationfrom it all.
I'm terrified of making myself sound like a bit of a fruit cake but I promised I'd be honest with myself here.
I'm an anxious, panicking mess. My moods are monumental, I'm frustrated at everything, I don't sleep, my appetite
is all over the place. I'm terrified I've got cancer. There, I said it.
My poor Hubby gets the brunt of most of it. I know he understands why but I cant help feeling like he
thinks I'm over reacting. I've been pulling my hair again too and I feel so guilty. I've come so far over the last 18 months, I've achieved so many
goals I never thought I would and now I feel like I've gone ten steps back.
So I went to see my GP today, sat in her office and just cried. She didn't say I was being silly, like I thought she would. She told me I was struggling to deal with a difficult
situation and that it was OK to feel the way I do. She's prescribed me Propranolol, which is a beta blocker apparently. I'd never have gone with
medication normally but I need to do something. I'm at my wits end. She also said it might help me try the LA on the 15th. It's the most positve
I've felt since we got married.
I'm sorry it's all quite long winded, it's not that simple fitting an entire life in one post!
So there it is. I'm not sure if this is for your benefit or mine but I'll admit I feel relieved for getting some of it off my chest.
Sadly, I know there will be other people going through this. Here's hoping us all clear cervixes and fresh futures eh?
