where do i even start?

I've never done this before and I'm not very good at articulating stuff, so here goes...

I was 'invited' (they make it sound like you're attending tea and cake with your local nurse!)for my first smear test in July 13.

I didn't think anything of it, booked, attended and went on my way. Iqq don't think it even crossed my mind until i recieved a letter saying

I had low grade Dyskarosis and I'm high risk HPV and should be sent for a colposcopy investigation as soon as possible.

Ok, that's fine...

...We do not think you have CANCER but in very rare cases this can blah blah blah....

WHAT?! Talk about a smack in the face! That hadn't even crossed my mind!

I had my first colposcopy in Sept 13, which was generally a whirlwind.


Now would be the point to tell you I'm the worst at having any form of procedure that involves breaking skin.

We're talking needles, biopsies, stitches etc. This really is a massive issue for me,

it controls a massive part of my life but is a whole other story completely! I'll try and explain the best I can as I go.


Basically, my colposcopy showed I had abnormal cells and she wanted a biopsy I simply wasn't going to be able to give her.

Please don't think I don't know the implications of this... I've been beating myself up since.

She did say she wasn't massively concerned and so long as I knew the risks, she would call for me again in six months.

So I put it to the back of my mind. I hosted Christmas for the inlaws, planned our wedding and got married on 14th Feb 14!

And then recieved my appointment for 10th March 14 back at the colposcopy clinic. I was really nervous this time, I knew I needed

to have the biopsy. I got myself that worked up, I called up the day before and asked if there was anything I could do for my nerves.

Everyone I've encountered at all of my appointments have been brilliant. The lady I spoke to pleaded with me not to ignore my appointment

(which I wouldn't have done) even if we only got as far as a chat with the nurse. So after chattering my teeth in the waiting room for 15 mins, I was called in.

She told me straight away that she wasn't going to do the biopsy, she was going to look to see if there were any changes, then we would take it from there.

I relaxed a little, sat back and listened to Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing on the radio. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the choice of song and it's timing!

Laughing made the whole thing a little easier to deal with.

Anyway, my colposcopy showed quite dramatic changes, she did a smear test and said she was going to book me straight in for a LLETZ under GA.

I got my results of high grade Dyskarosis and high risk HPV. It wasn't anything I didn't already know but

that hasn't stopped it turning my life upside down since then.

I have an appointment on the 15th April and will be offered the LLETZ procedure under a LA. If not, I'll sign the consent form and be put

on an eight week waiting list. 


Bearing in mind I was stupid enough not to have had any biopsies through all of this and how significant the changes in the time scale, I'm well aware

I'm playing with fire. And it's doing my head in. I'm a strong willed woman and I've never let anything get on top of me but I can't seem to shake the feeling of suffocationfrom it all.

I'm terrified of making myself sound like a bit of a fruit cake but I promised I'd be honest with myself here.

I'm an anxious, panicking mess. My moods are monumental, I'm frustrated at everything, I don't sleep, my appetite

is all over the place. I'm terrified I've got cancer. There, I said it.

My poor Hubby gets the brunt of most of it. I know he understands why but I cant help feeling like he 

thinks I'm over reacting. I've been pulling my hair again too and I feel so guilty. I've come so far over the last 18 months, I've achieved so many

goals I never thought I would and now I feel like I've gone ten steps back.


So I went to see my GP today, sat in her office and just cried. She didn't say I was being silly, like I thought she would. She told me I was struggling to deal with a difficult 

situation and that it was OK to feel the way I do. She's prescribed me Propranolol, which is a beta blocker apparently. I'd never have gone with

medication normally but I need to do something. I'm at my wits end. She also said it might help me try the LA on the 15th. It's the most positve

I've felt since we got married. 


I'm sorry it's all quite long winded, it's not that simple fitting an entire life in one post! 


So there it is. I'm not sure if this is for your benefit or mine but I'll admit I feel relieved for getting some of it off my chest. 

Sadly, I know there will be other people going through this. Here's hoping us all clear cervixes and fresh futures eh?




Hello, I think you really just needed to do that. You seem to be trying to keep it all in and I think by writing that it would have helped you already (at least I hope it did). I just wanted to say that I was scared to have the biopsy and petrified of the lletz procedure. I read stories off ladies saying its really not that bad at all and I remember thinking "wow they must just be brave ladies" (which of course we all are) but I mean I thought well It might have been ok for them but I know I'm going to be scared stiff. Now having had my lletz done almost 2 weeks ago I can honestly say hand on my heart it was totally fine, and I mean totally fine! I didn't feel anything. If anything the worst bit is the fact I couldn't stop concentrating on the speculum and thinking to myself "stop tensing up gemma stop tensing up" lol when they injected my cervix I must of felt something but I can't even remember feeling it if that makes sense. Also when the anaesthetic kicks in it made my heart beat so fast which once again is totally normal and safe but if anything it was another distraction. I sprayed a thin scarf with perfume and took it and put it over my face 1-because I didn't want to see what what happening, instruments etc 2-because I felt more comfortable 3-the procedure can smell due to the nature of the treatment (burning smell). The nurse said it was a brilliant idea and noone had ever done it before lol. The consultant said "finished" I couldn't believe it was over, literally 2 minutes. I laughed and couldn't stop smiling as I really couldn't believe it was over!! So please please do not worry too much.i know you will anyway but still you will no what I mean after and I'm so sure you will agree. Ladies on here are amazing so feel free to vent and ask any questions. Wish you the best of luck, you will be ok xxxxxx

Hiya, I know exactly how you feel, when I had my smear I was shaking like a leaf the nurse was

btilliant she put me at ease and was gentle, I then received the letter saying I had CIN3 and needed a colposcopy 

I took my sister with me and when I was in the waiting room I was shaking and felt like I was going to throw up so in we went

i was advised I would need treatment there and then but when he looked he said the area was too large and I would need Lletz indeed GA I'm not going to lie I felt relieved 

I wasn't going to be awake for it, in regards to the biopsies I think it's the thought of what they are doing rather then the actual procedure so he took the biopsies this felt like a slight nip like my cervix had been nipped but it wasn't painful, iv had Lletz done one week again today. I think you needed to just get it all off your chest and vent so to speak please don't beat

yourself up about it is women can only handle so much before we reach breaking point, I would opt for the procedure under GA if you can wait although 8 weeks is a long time to wait I know from reading on here that most who have the treatment under LA are absolutely fine and say they don't feel anything. 


Xxx sorry about the typos my IPhone really doesn't like this site lol! 

Honestly the way u feel is perfectly normal.. And I'm sure u will feel better for getting it out!

I'm slightly different in i don't have smear results yet but colposcopy next week as gynea saw a raw patch, hasn't stopped me worrying at all! I came here because I was petrified of the colposcopy, I still am but not soo much as people here have helped reassure me that it's not that bad so I feel better. 

I'm in a total panic about the smear results as there's a visible abnormality and the gynea prepared me already I'd probably have a lletz procedure done with the colposcopy so I'm kind of expecting some bad news,my head runs away still.. It's perfectly normal! 

I take a beta blocker for heart problems and it should help u calm down a fair bit on the day.. 

Try to stay calm. They mentioned about being asleep to me but if they can get it done next week then I will try my best as I want it gone.. I've had so much reassurance that it's not that bad,uncomfortable but not painful. 

I wish u the best of luck xx