I’ve been feeling fine gone back work and gone back into my routine and getting use to the 6am get ups so all good there. The problem is I was suppose to go out last night but I was too tired so fell asleep, I was then suppose to go out tonight but I’ve had massive anxiety and haven’t gone instead I burst out crying.
I’ve always suffered with depression and I know it’s creeping back up on me again, I’m trying to get back to my old life but I’m struggling. I’m fine with work as its a routine but day to day life isn’t and this is where I am panicking etc. I’ve had a cold which I’m just getting over which hasn’t helped things.
Through treatment I lost a lot of weight I went to skin and bone literally they thought the cancer had spread I was so poorly, the treatment and the side effects almost killed me, I have then put on 2 stone although it didn’t look like I had and I went to a size 6. I’ve been really set on gaining weight and as I go to work at 7:15 I am in the town by 7:30, I am really hungry so I’ve been getting a bacon bap from Gregs on my way to work as I can’t eat as soon as I get up, and I’ve been eating loads of fruit and sweets. I’ve now noticed that I am gaining weight which has begun to panic me…I use to be a size 14-16 before all of this and although this isn’t a massive size it was for me as I’ve always been small and I’m naturally small framed and only 5ft 1 so looked a lot bigger than I was and I was miserable. I know it was my goal to gain the weight (I’m still a size 6) it’s just my thighs and belly have gained weight and people have commented which has made me more insecure.
I know I’m being stupid I know but I’m panicking as I’m thinking I’m getting bigger (like before) and I’ve kind of gotten use to being so tiny that I don’t want to go back there again (I mean I won’t). I’ve put this weight on over the last two months as I’ve finally been able to eat again which is a massive relief! I’m really depressed and I have anxiety which isn’t helping, this is not due to this as I had this before but I think because my life has been so out of my control I’m now panicking but panicking about the wrong thing. Of I focus on the cancer I will go over the edge, my body and mind has been pushed to the limit and all it will take is one step for me to have a break down.
I can’t talk to anyone about this as they don’t understand and it’s always “you’ll be fine” or “do this”, I’m sick of being told what to do what I should or shouldn’t do! I don’t want to take anti depressants and I can’t afford to take time off work again plus this will nay make me worse as I will wind myself up about stupid things.
I feel like I’m losing it