When does it stop?

I’ve been feeling fine gone back work and gone back into my routine and getting use to the 6am get ups so all good there. The problem is I was suppose to go out last night but I was too tired so fell asleep, I was then suppose to go out tonight but I’ve had massive anxiety and haven’t gone instead I burst out crying.

I’ve always suffered with depression and I know it’s creeping back up on me again, I’m trying to get back to my old life but I’m struggling. I’m fine with work as its a routine but day to day life isn’t and this is where I am panicking etc. I’ve had a cold which I’m just getting over which hasn’t helped things.

Through treatment I lost a lot of weight I went to skin and bone literally they thought the cancer had spread I was so poorly, the treatment and the side effects almost killed me, I have then put on 2 stone although it didn’t look like I had and I went to a size 6. I’ve been really set on gaining weight and as I go to work at 7:15 I am in the town by 7:30, I am really hungry so I’ve been getting a bacon bap from Gregs on my way to work as I can’t eat as soon as I get up, and I’ve been eating loads of fruit and sweets. I’ve now noticed that I am gaining weight which has begun to panic me…I use to be a size 14-16 before all of this and although this isn’t a massive size it was for me as I’ve always been small and I’m naturally small framed and only 5ft 1 so looked a lot bigger than I was and I was miserable. I know it was my goal to gain the weight (I’m still a size 6) it’s just my thighs and belly have gained weight and people have commented which has made me more insecure.

I know I’m being stupid I know but I’m panicking as I’m thinking I’m getting bigger (like before) and I’ve kind of gotten use to being so tiny that I don’t want to go back there again (I mean I won’t). I’ve put this weight on over the last two months as I’ve finally been able to eat again which is a massive relief! I’m really depressed and I have anxiety which isn’t helping, this is not due to this as I had this before but I think because my life has been so out of my control I’m now panicking but panicking about the wrong thing. Of I focus on the cancer I will go over the edge, my body and mind has been pushed to the limit and all it will take is one step for me to have a break down.

I can’t talk to anyone about this as they don’t understand and it’s always “you’ll be fine” or “do this”, I’m sick of being told what to do what I should or shouldn’t do! I don’t want to take anti depressants and I can’t afford to take time off work again plus this will nay make me worse as I will wind myself up about stupid things.

I feel like I’m losing it

Hi Carmel I  am really sorry to hear about your Anxiety & Depression it sounds like you have suffered with both conditions for some time even before your diagnosis of CC? Both conditions can be life changing a struggle to get out of bed in the morning and no joy for the things we use to love and look forward to doing. You will know better than anyone that your thoughts will often be dark bleak and negative stealing any thoughts of happiness away as soon as you have them. Carmel reading your story I see a really strong woman who has battled Mentally & Physically and come out the other side. You have managed to get back to work after all you have been through and iyou are enjoying the daily routine. You have also picked yourself up after being so unwell and have started to eat agiain to build yourself up you did this on your own. I am also 5ft 1 so i know what you mean about not wanting to put too much weight on as we little folk dont carry it to well lol I am a size 12 and happy with my size  i use to be a 14-16 and my thighs rubbed together it was painful the shops sold out of Sudocrem lol Carmel i hope you can see the woman i see because she is a Champion. I hope you keep in touch we have lots of things in common i will be thinking about you and sending you Best Wishes for the future. Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Carmel,

I am so sorry to read this. Depression is a horrible, horrible place to be. Please, ask your CNS or Macmillan to refer you to a counsellor as a matter of urgency, before this spirals too far downwards, which it surely will if it isn't nipped in the bud. I understand that this is a very normal reaction to coming out healthy after heaps of treatment, it's just difficult to get your wheels back onto the rails because the rails are a little bit different to how they were before your diagnosis. I went through a monster wobbly after all my treatment had finished and was lucky enough to find myself a wonderful counsellor.

Also, if possible, try to eat a healthy and balanced diet and avoid sweets, sugar can produce horrible mood swings.


Lots of love

Hi carmel. I suffer from anxiety too and my cc definitely kicked it off. I ended up 6 months off post RH! and have only gone back to work 4 weeks ago. I also have a partner who suffers from depression so know how it takes over. Give your head the same time as you give your body. I had counselling through a cancer support organisation, finished last week,and it helped so much. Also did a stress management course with them. Sounds to me like you need to let yourself gain a little weight still, to be healthy,and I'm sure you have not let it get out of control. Huge hugs to you xxx

Carmel,  I'm do happy to hear that you are back to work  eating and coping well with the physical aspect of everything.  Mentally,  yes, that's so much harder.

I can't give you any advice that is different to what anyone else has but I just wanted to give you support  x 

Thanks ladies I'm ok now....things get on top of me and I become depressed but then I always pull myself out of it again.

I think with my weight I've come to accept that how tiny I was/am is normal as people keep telling me I look really well so when someone mentioned me gaining weight it panicked me....I hate people talking about personnel things like that but it seems that it's acceptable to ask me extremely personal questions and make personal comments!

I've got cancer for fuck sake it doesn't mean that you can ask me anything!! Really annoys me as I'm a private person.....

Sorry just ranting again