Well, I've been sent an appointment to see a Vagina Physiotherapist. Oh joy. Imagine my excitement! Funnily enough I don't remember that on the list of career options at school, but maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention.... anyway...
Next Thursday morning I'm off to no doubt be prodded about yet again by someone I've never met before, who will no doubt put their glove-laden fingers inside me and say "And how does that feel?"
"Delightful! Thank you SO much!"
No indication in the letter if I'll be seeing a male or female or what the appointment will involve. As a result of the extreme surgery I've had, I've been left with some physical issues, one of which is a vaginal prolapse, which they are going to try and resolve with physio before it gets worse, so that I can hopefully avoid another operation. But I appear to have turned into a 3yr child about the whole thing. I know it's the best thing for me, I know it's really good that I've got the appointment before my 6 month check appointment (which is on 17th April), and I know the likelihood is the physio will be a very nice person, but there's a tantrum-throwing child inside me stomping her foot, furrowing her brow and going "I DON'T WANT TO GO!!" I'm not particularly worried about it - just stroppy! On a very basic level, I just don't want to do it.
I think this sort of thing makes me realise how cross I am with cancer, as well. At the risk of stating the obvious, I am cross that I got it, cross about what it was doing to me (how dare it!!), cross about what had to be done to my body because of it, cross about what I've been left with because of it. I'm cross that I can never go back to being the person who had never had cancer. I'm cross that other people think of it as concrete and clear cut (as in, you've either got cancer or you haven't, and if you haven't, what's the problem). I'm cross that I live in the shadow of fear of recurrence and to some extent, probably always will, and am now more frightened than I used to be of other kinds of cancer as well. As you may have gathered, I'm cross!!! Oops, I think I might be having a bit of a rant. :-/ Some days a good rant is the only way to go though I reckon...
Anyway, I think I just wanted to vent to people who would actually understand!