We have got so much going on in our lives right now that the recent health scare is tipping us over the edge. Instead of it being a loving home enviroment it is like a war zone. I try to talk to my partner but he just can't cope with it. He thinks that i am attacking him and causing arguments when all i am trying to do is get my needs heard, it seems stupid really. I just asked today for a bit more affection from my partner and he said ''what will it be tomorrow''...... i felt hurt by that and it ended up in us nearly splitting up again!!!. It seems to be that the recent combination of events and quite a few stressful things is tipping us both over. I take on the majority of stress in the relationship and yet he still can't cope, he can't cope with anything. What can i do?. We are supposed to be getting married!!!! not falling apart.
God that sounds like me and my partner, since I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago all we have done is row, 2 real big ones. I am the same just want affection, but like your partner he thinks all I am doing is causing arguements. The other day he said right wat are we going to do about a holiday for the kids, it made me feel like shit as he is working 7 days at the mo and will be having two weeks off after my op. I feel like he doesnt want to be around me anymore. The other day I felt a little emotional and he said what you crying for and I said what do you think, and it kicked off. Your not alone, up until this happened our relationship was fine.
It’s such a major stress to be under when you’ve received a cancer diagnosis. Emotions are all over the place, as you well know! I think for people that aren’t you, they can think of normal life outside of what’s happening and your fears. For you it’s most likely all you can think about and anything else just seems a bit insignificant at the moment. That’s how I was anyway.
If you can it’s probably worth having a good sit down and a heart to heart to go though both your fears. I know my partner didn’t show it but he was really worried and stressed too. I asked a mutual friend to make a moderate nuisance of herself by checking how he was coping.
Perhaps taking a bit of time to have a chat outside of home could help? Go for a drink or a walk in the park? I’ve had my best chats with him indoors when we’ve gone for a coffee and he’s felt he can ask me stuff and vice versa.
Rosehip posted a great article on the ring theory and how to approach communication when you’re in a crisis that could be worth a read or sharing. I can’t repost it for some reason but it’s in this section of the forum.
Thanks for your replies ladies, it's nice to not feel so alone in this. It seems to be quite common....the stress of what is going on causes problems in relationships. I have also read the theory, i found it very touching and again i didn't feel so alone. I don't know what i dare say to my partner at the mo. He is still at work and i am a little stressed o ut about him coming home as i don't know how it's going to go. I feel like pretending nothing is wrong but that also seems pointless. I am worried about being myself as he doesn't seem to be able to cope with it or me anymore :(. I felt so hurt earlier as he got me a suitcase to leave. I just felt like i was no good and useless to him because of my health problems. I felt so alone and upset and so very angry.
Wow angeltears I feel exactly the same infancy writing to u in my bedroom after an absolute blazing row downstairs with my fiancé of 11 yrs we also have 2 kids one is 2 and other is 6 my six yr old is also autistic and has dyspraxia so we have added strain in household my partner has always been very unemotional and I feel everytime I try to talk to him he closes up either snaps or avoids me I only found out 2 days ago I had cervical cancer and was took straight in today to have a bigger biopsy taken general anersetic I came home tonight and I dunno just expected more support I lost it and started shouting its not me this seems to have taken over me so please chick I'm telling u this to let u no ur so not alone and if u want to chat to me please do in all fairness i could do with a chat to xx
Wow angeltears I feel exactly the same infancy writing to u in my bedroom after an absolute blazing row downstairs with my fiancé of 11 yrs we also have 2 kids one is 2 and other is 6 my six yr old is also autistic and has dyspraxia so we have added strain in household my partner has always been very unemotional and I feel everytime I try to talk to him he closes up either snaps or avoids me I only found out 2 days ago I had cervical cancer and was took straight in today to have a bigger biopsy taken general anersetic I came home tonight and I dunno just expected more support I lost it and started shouting its not me this seems to have taken over me so please chick I'm telling u this to let u no ur so not alone and if u want to chat to me please do in all fairness i could do with a chat to xx
Wow angeltears I feel exactly the same infancy writing to u in my bedroom after an absolute blazing row downstairs with my fiancé of 11 yrs we also have 2 kids one is 2 and other is 6 my six yr old is also autistic and has dyspraxia so we have added strain in household my partner has always been very unemotional and I feel everytime I try to talk to him he closes up either snaps or avoids me I only found out 2 days ago I had cervical cancer and was took straight in today to have a bigger biopsy taken general anersetic I came home tonight and I dunno just expected more support I lost it and started shouting its not me this seems to have taken over me so please chick I'm telling u this to let u no ur so not alone and if u want to chat to me please do in all fairness i could do with a chat to xx
Wow angeltears I feel exactly the same infancy writing to u in my bedroom after an absolute blazing row downstairs with my fiancé of 11 yrs we also have 2 kids one is 2 and other is 6 my six yr old is also autistic and has dyspraxia so we have added strain in household my partner has always been very unemotional and I feel everytime I try to talk to him he closes up either snaps or avoids me I only found out 2 days ago I had cervical cancer and was took straight in today to have a bigger biopsy taken general anersetic I came home tonight and I dunno just expected more support I lost it and started shouting its not me this seems to have taken over me so please chick I'm telling u this to let u no ur so not alone and if u want to chat to me please do in all fairness i could do with a chat to xx
My partner, the one who gave me hpv, was dead by the time I was diagnosed with CIN III, which I know is NOTHING like having cancer! So I had to deal with the emotional stuff with the help of the ladies here.
From what I've read men tend to deal with issues by "doing something" and NOT by "talking about it". Give a man a problem to face and he'll be much happier if he can plan some action or give some advice to deal with it. Ask him to sit down and talk about feelings and eeeeek! Can't do it! Mine always suggested a quick bout of sex as the cure for any illness I had!
I do know some "empathic" men. They are few and far between. I also know at least one who walked out the day his gf got the diagnosis of cervical cancer and that was the last she saw of him.
I think perhaps I would strongly suggest that you look for some joint counselling or therapy on getting through this experience. I say that because BOTH of you have been affected by this diagnosis, and both of you need support, just different kinds. A trained advisor could help your partner see that you are not being "difficult" or "demanding" - you need support. And the counsellor should also be able to help your partner verbalise his feelings and bring him to understand his own reactions. A bit of arbitration between you might go a long way.
Hi i come in peace , im the partner/husband you all speak of , my wife was diagnosed with cc 3 days ago stage 2b advanced locally, very upsetting for us both but mainly her of course, im interested in the comment above "My partner, the one who gave me hpv" i mean is this really the case? how do you know this ? is it possible i gave my wife of 10 years this? Any advice welcome also they have told her no surgery to be done at this stage instead it will be 6 weeks of radiotherapy mon to friday plus one of the days she will also recieve chemo, is this normal procedure thanks.
HI ya, I don't know of that is routine or not so I can't answer that question however in regards to HPV unless you've only ever had one partner then no you cannot tell who give who HPV
i would also like to add t does not mean anyone has been sleeping around nor does it mean anyone has cheated or done the dirty neither there is such a stigma attached to HPV and I don't understand why, it's not a dirty thing to have in fact the majority of the population have it and don't know about it there are only five types of HPV that are to do with CC, your wife is very lucky to have you to come on here and ask advice from us ladies,
i ole hope everything goes as well as it can for you and your wife xxx
Just a quick note re the treatment - I was diagnosed with the same stage as your wife, and had 28 radio 5 chemo and 2 brachy treatments at the end. Hope all goes well with the treatment
Hi Tracey thanks for the reply, yeah that sounds pretty much the same, can i ask how it affected you during the treatments , im reading alot about fatigue and sickness etc, my wife operates an online business from home as a bookbinder and that seems to be her main concern, ie. will she still be able to continue her work after the daily visits to the hospital? one good thing is the hospital is only a 15 min drive away.
just wondering how your wife's treatment is going? i've had 5 and a half weeks radio, one of those days also had chemo, had first of two brachy therapy radios with the second this thursday. I'm having counselling appointments with the mcmillan counsellor which helps tremendously. Is your wife doing this? And how about you? I wish my boyfriend had sought counselling as as soon as he realised surgery didn't do the trick and i was facing further treatment he ended our relationship. Though after going through all the side effects I don't think I could've coped with a relationship (long-distance, as it was) anyway. We still text and I can't help but hope once I'm better that we'll work things out. I hope your wife is coping with any side effects? they can vary so much from person to person. Talk to each other, look after each other.
Hello. Just read your reply on hpv with interest. I've only ever had one partner, all my life, and my husband the same. We met when we were 16 and have been together ever since, over 30 years. This statement suggests either he or I have been unfaithful. I've researched how you get the virus & the %age of cases which go on to become CC. Yes it's about 99.7% but the other .3% can be caused by exposure to a certain degreasing chemical used in the manufacturing industry. I would have been exposed to this chemical as I've worked at the same manufacturing plant for 32 years where this has been used widely. How I contracted the virus concerned me at one point because of all the info around it, and in some cases a bit of stigma, by the ignorant of course perhaps wrongly thinking that if you caught the virus you were in some way promiscuous. I feel I have to defend myself on this issue, and my husband, who has been through this 'journey' with me and who was very hurt when I foolishly started questioning his fidelity. I regret that I hurt him this way as having found on further research, how I believe I caught the virus.
Just read your post with interest. I have been with my husband for 24 years and I believe he has been faithful. However, I have worked in a manufacturing environment for 25 years so maybe that could be behind what caused it.
