the fear we feel...

hello everyone.... just wanted to say first that all off you are amazing women, and that I have been reading all of the posts over the last few months.. And really would not of got through it without finding this forum... Let me tell you a bit about myself, I am 29 and always had clear smears, my last one was about eight years ago so this one was well over due.. Had it Feb this year, and it never even entered my head that this one wouldn't be normal... well with in a week my results were back and said severe dyskaryosis, hope I spelt that right.. cin 3... well from that moment the fear I felt was one I have never felt before. I just sat and cried and thought of the worse. I then rang my doctors and a nurse rang me back, she explained that I would get a letter from the hospital in few days for a colposcopy and would find out more once I been there. My appointment came and was seen on the 13th Feb. By the time I got there I was a mess with fear, I just couldn't shake it off. My doctor I seen was brill and did help calm me down. Fast forward a bit, he didn't treat me there and then and said he was taking a biopsy and results will take about three weeks to get back. This was the most frightening time, the waiting was killing me. I ended up staying at my mams house the whole two weeks until my results were back, as I couldn't function at home alone. I have been with my partner ten years but he works nights. And we have one daughter who is six, and I couldn't look at her with out nearly bursting in to tears. I remember walking home after two weeks to check my mail, and when they came it took ten mins to open it as I was so scared. It confirmed cin 3 and was booked for lettz on the 15th march. So off I went and had the treatment on that day, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be and that was just over five weeks ago. I didn't start bleeding straight away, and feel lucky that when I did it only lasted a week. I have had my results back and says that they have removed it all, but never said anything on clear margins and when I phoned the clinic to ask about this they never really helped as said not to worry over this. So I can only assume they were not clear, do I need to worry about this? Were am I now, well back in august for six month check up. I really need to get this off my chest as my family and partner say not to worry now, but as you ladies will no its not that easy. I do count myself lucky, and for all you women in worse situations I can only say my thoughts and love are with you all. But here I am today and that fear has still not left me, and don't ever think I will be the same care free girl I once was. This has changed me and I can't really put in to words how I feel. So sorry for going on, and thank you all for reading. I just needed to talk with people who knows what this is like to go through.... And I am so glad I found yous, as reading all your posts has made me realise that I am not the only one who has felt that fear. And helped me even at my lowest and darkest thoughts. And that's just reading your posts, so thought I have to let you all know you are amazing all of you. I just need help now on how do I get through these next five months without worrying it will come bk. Love to you all. Sky x x x

Hey Sky,

Thanks for posting and sorry to hear about your troubles. One thing I know from being on here is that not all hospitals say things in the same way. What is largely consistent is the approach they take to treatment and they would not have told you to come back in 6 months if they thought there was any immediate problem.

Remember, that the treatment you have had is ver very likely to be all you will need. That’s the down side of being on here, this is where you’ll see lots of us who weren’t so lucky, but we are the exceptions, not the rule.

I know that we can’t help worrying, but we can’t let ourselves be ruled by our fears. You may not feel you can be totally carefree right now, but obsessing will not change anything and it will just make you miserable. Putting it out of your mind totally may not be possible, but maybe you can push the worry into one little corner and try to fill the rest with things and people you love.

Good luck and do come back of it gets too hard. We all understand. X

Hi rosehip, thank you for your reply.. You are right I can't let fear rule me, its just when I was going through the biopsys and waiting for the results that was the worst time for me, and my friends and family didn't really understand how it made me feel, I just felt so alone. And I am still struggling to get my head around things and just get on with life. I was a full time carer for my nanna, I came out of work two years ago so she didn't have to go in to a home. But sadly we lost her in august last year. I was with her right till the end, and not only lost my nanna but my best friend. As if she were here she would of been the one I would of talked to the most about this cin 3 I had as she always had the right words to say. All nannas do x x... Going through all this has made me think about her loads more. Well this year I thought would of been better than the last one, and from the begining of Feb had all this going on. So feel like I have been put through a few tests the last few months. How are you doing rosehip, I hope all is well. I see you had a hysterectomy how is your recovery going? Thanks again for your reply, it really has helped me to know I can come here for advice as my friends and family don't understand. Take care.... love sky.. x x x