Struggling :(

Hi Ladies,

I don’t even know what I want from this post, I just feel like this is a safe place to vent.
I have been recently diagnosed with 1A1 adenocarcinoma. I had another LLETZ procedure 2.5 weeks ago and now waiting on the results to see where I will be put on the waiting list for a total hysterectomy.
I think I just feel overwhelmed. I’m 29 with 2 beautiful children aged 2 and 4 so I’m very lucky to have my children. I just never for one second expected to be going through this after only having my little boy 2 years ago and finding myself in the coming weeks/months preparing for a hysterectomy, as well as dealing with the cancer diagnosis.
I feel really lonely and sad. Everyone around me keeps saying I’m so lucky it has been caught early etc and whilst I absolutely agree, I also feel so deflated and it doesn’t feel like they truly understand that this is going to be a long journey for me, physically and emotionally.
They are behaving like everything is normal and life feels far from normal for me at the moment.

I feel like a fraud feeling like this because the situation could have been much worse and there are ladies dealing with far worse than my diagnosis.
Is it normal to feel like this? I feel like it has consumed my life for the last few weeks.

Thank you for reading and sorry for waffling and probably not making a lot of sense! x

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Hi @Looby09 - How you are feeling is completely understandable regardless of the stage it was caught at. Any cancer diagnosis at any stage is a life altering event for most people in very personal and individual ways. I am so glad it was caught early - that is always the best thing. Acknowledge how you feel, but try to focus on the positive and the hope, of which there is much. :two_hearts:

I just wanted to add that although your support network means well, most people who haven’t been through it can’t really understand in the same way - which is why this forum is great as we have all been through it, or are going through it, each in our own way. You will find lots of support and information here as you go through your experience.

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@Looby09 you are not alone in how you feel. I could have written this post months ago. I’m so glad you made your way over to this forum as I think you will find answers to some of the questions you have, from people who have lived through it. Cancer is very isolating and when i first received my diagnosis i would get so frustrated when family and friends would tell me to be strong. I felt that I could only exhibit strength toward them and I wasn’t ready to do that at that stage. All i wanted to do was cry. I talked to them about it and my relationship with them got so much stronger. No matter what stage you’re at, this is a life changing thing. Before experiencing cancer myself, i could have never imagined what it felt like. I always say that it’s all relative. We only know the experiences that we have lived through ourselves, so it is difficult for some to relate. I hope you find some peace by reading through some of the posts on this site. Best wishes to you through this journey.

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When I went through I was surrounded by a very loving supportive family and friends but at times I did feel very alone in it all. You will process all this in your own time. People telling me I was brave and inspirational just didn’t feel right. At the time it’s what else can I do??? But I have 2 children, at the time they were aged 5 and 2 and I just focused on them making sure they were happy and their lives wasn’t affected by everything. I still remember walking my daughter to school and she was happy skipping in front of me and I just wanted to break down and cry at the school gates. I just used to think do I really want my loved ones to know how this feels? It helped me cut them some slack when I felt alone. And when I felt down I would put my music on loud and dance around the kitchen whilst loading the dish washer. My kids loved it and it felt special. Just ideas.

Dear Looby09, I just want to say a few words about the people around you who are “behaving like everything is normal.” My partner was diagnosed with stage 2a last fall and received chemo, radiation and brachytherapy; she responded well but is still struggling with pain management.

Just as the diagnosis of cancer was a shock to you, it was a shock to your loved ones as well. They are scared–scared of the unknown, scared of losing you. They have never been here before and they don’t know how to react. Their first instinct is to be positive and supportive, because they think that is what you want and need, and with your early diagnosis they feel justified in believing in a positive outcome. They don’t know how to deal with the possibility that the strong woman they know and depend on is feeling lonely and sad.

You have yourself to take care of, and it is not fair that you need to take care of your adult loved ones too at this time. But if you don’t communicate with them honestly, and tell them what you really need and how you really feel, they will not be able to figure it out themselves. Some will not want to hear about the “long journey” you are starting. But the people who you really depend on, who really love you, are anxious to do whatever they can to help you get through this. But they will not know how to help unless you give them some guidance.