Struggling a bit....:(

Hey all hope you are all ok
Was just wondering if anyone else feel or felt like I do or has any advice…
I finished my treatment 2/4/13…now I feel that I am in no man’s land! & very anxious!:frowning:
People keep saying hey well done bet you’re glad it’s all over now…you’ve done so well…that’s the worst of it over now etc etc…I find it hard & frustrating that people seem to think its so black & white…I know everyone means well but as you ladies know its not that simple :frowning:
I feel weird now…I feel that now I’m not at hospital everyday…what if it’s still there & no ones treating me…that nothing is being done to get rid of the little swine!!
I know my treatment is still working in my body…finding it hard that I feel ok most of the time…then I get cocky & do loads & then get tired!!
I feel stiff & achy sometimes & get tummy pains a bit is this normal…?? (normal…what’s that??:slight_smile: )
I know I have 6wk until follow up…& then a long wait until scan…a lot of people (inc mum) seem to think i should be as I was before now…but I feel far from being like that!!
I am still determined to keep kicking its ugly arse & I am looking at ways to do this through diet etc…anyone else gone down this route?? Ant advice appreciated!!
Sorry for moaning & stuff xx
Lots of love
K xxx

Hey, I felt strange for months after my Chemo ended but I was still recovering from my hysterectomy. It took me 2years in total to "get back to normal" which I prefer to call finding my new normal. I will never be who I was pre cancer that girl has gone along with the tumor. Life never seems to get back to what it was, I now live to continue my new life.

People still tell me that I was a cancer sufferer and I reply that I am a cancer sufferer. They say things like so when did you get the all clear? Well I didn't, I done my chemo then waited 3months for a check up which is less than a smear test as I have no cervix left to smear lol. I was like you and felt completely lost and terrified that the cancer could be there still growing, and who would know? When would they find out? If it comes back what chance do I have?

I finally managed to get another MRI just last year but only because they cannot explain the stomache pains which I am still having due to the hysterectomy.

I wish you all the best on your new journey as it isn't as plain as people think, next time a woman says well done you are cancer free now, smile back and say, "yeah it just magically vanished out of my whole body without a trace or scar,  just like your baby left your body without a stretch mark, scar or making your boobs sag!" Cancer leaves it mark on all of us and doesn't simply disappear but instead follows us silently to remind us what we have and that it can come back and take it all away xx

Hi Monkey22

Dont worry at all about how you feel, everything you have said is identical to how I felt. I remember going away for  a weekend a few weeks after treatment ended and I was in a complete panic as had so got used to the cocoon of being looked after whilst having treatment and now I was back in the big wide world and expected to just be normal again!


One thing I will say did help was I completely changed my lifestyle (diet/exercise) I was a 39 year old who hadnt exercised properly since I was about 20 and basically my idea of being 'good' was not having a drink or a bag of crisps on a week day Wink Any how I was lucky enough to be offered a personal trainer for 12 weeks free through Macmillan and NHS in my area and I can not tell you how it changed my life around. It was in a sports rehab place so it was one to one in a small gym who specialised in people getting over illness.injury etc so my work outs were tailored to me and my fitness level (which was zero!) by the end of it I had lost a stone in weight and toned body and a wardrobe that didnt fit! and bucket full of info on what to eat to feel good.


I now eat all the super foods like Salmon 2 or 3 times a week and changed white carbs for brown and its so easy when you get started. I dont drink during the week and but then drink and eat whatever I fancy on a weekend and I have managed to maintain my weight and body shape as I then enrolled in body pump sessions at my local gym and that keeps me toned.


It defo worked for me and I am now a year after treatment and I do feel so much healthier and am never tired anymore and I am sure its down to diet and exercise. Dont get me wrong it was hard the first few sessions nearly killed me and I did tell the fitness mister off for this and even said to him you do know I've had cancer he just laughed and said I know your limits and he was right!

Just take each day as it comes and dont rush into trying too run before you can walk. I used to walk round the block (less than 1/2 a mile) and I felt like I had run a marathon the next day. Now I can run it without stopping. 

Theres a lot of posts on here about how you never get back to feeling the same again and I do feel thats true, but you also appreciate lifes for living so we have to make the most of being one of the lucky ones who survived this shitty illness Tongue Out this time next year you will be on here telling your story and giving something back to those just starting their journey Laughing

Take it easy



Rebecca xx

Hi monkey22 

omg after reading your post made me a little emotional everything you said is exactly how i am feeling right now! i just finished radio/chemo/brachy on tuesday and since then i just dont know what to do with myself! And everyone around me is saying well done for getting through the worst of it! but im getting depressed about it all now and just want to cry all the time, as i have all this time on my hands with not having to go to hospital anymore untill the 6 week checkup and its just hit me that i have just turned 28 and have no kids and now cant have kids i have had to go through all this treatment that was so hard as had bad bowel problems that kept putting me in hospital and is still sensitive to certain foods etc and also having to go through menopause and still dont know if this cancer is gone, i feel like everything is still on hold in my life until i get these results which im absolutely terrified about as i am so use to getting bad news that i seriously dont think i can handle anymore! i just want my life back! sorry i am normally such a positive person but i feel like i just cant take anymore! just wish i could fast forward 3 months! xx

Hey Monkey,

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. I was warned by my nurse that the period after the 'active' phase was often one of the most difficult, and now I know what she meant - and I didn't have to deal with the immediate after-effects of radiochemo, like you.

I have tried just trying to be honest with people close to me about how I am feeling. I know they say the things they do because they are trying to be positive and look on the bright side, and the last thing they want to do is cause us distress. They don't understand because they aren't where we are, but that doesn't mean they can't understand if we explain. Or at least think before they speak.

Anyway, you take it easy and give yourself some time. Things will get better - at least spring is on the way. Kiss xxx

Aw thank you so much ladies you are all so kind. I hate whinging about this as I have tried so so hard to be upbeat & positive about all this so far & did do throughout treatment etc. most of the time!


Aw thank you so much ladies you are all so kind. I hate whinging about this as I have tried so so hard to be upbeat & positive about all this so far & did do throughout treatment etc. most of the time!


Maria....we have to try & remain as strong as we can,sorry to hear of your problems too,from what I gather from the replies,we are not the only ones! 


I understand what you mean also about the thought of yet more bad news....the way I try and get over this is to think that no matter how crap I feel...whatever news I get...someone somewhere is feeling worse & getting worse news....:( I hope you have someone you can chat to...have you spoken to your mac nurse? I was thinking of giving her a ring 


Xx Keep strong & I'm on here if you want a "chat" K xxxx

Hi Rosehip, Thank you for your reply.


My mac nurse warned me I know what she meant! I know people don't mean anything wrong with what they say...they are only try to are right they are not us so really don't know how we feel! I will try & mum,bless her,certainly doesn't think before she speaks...;) Hope you are ok too rosehip,let's hope spring stays & we have a good summer :) Take care K xxx

Rebecca....great to hear from you!! Your post made me feel a lot more positive,thank you! I also looked at one of your previous posts about life after chemo/radio which was really useful. I am really up for A healthy lifestyle...I am already trying to concentrate on superfoods etc also really into juicing....although I have to be careful case of toilet issues ;) How did you sort out your personal trainer...that sounds good!! Now the weather is getting better,& my little girl is back at school tomorrow,I aim to get out more walking...& eventually try to run...eek!! I tried before I was diagnosed but had no stamina...wondering/hoping now it was the cancer causing that!? Thank you again for replying. Take care K xxx

didn't want to 'read and run' on this one..I definitely can relate to all of the comments above! I am now 6 months post treatment and am only just starting to come out of the bubble... I honestly couldn't see how I would ever get back to 'normal' but just this past week actually - I have started to feel like my old self. I had such a great support network throughout the whole ordeal and to be honest it was so overwhelming, I love all my friends and family but I don't like being the topic of convo and am quite happy now that the emails and messages have slowed down.

I have completely changed my diet as well-  it has been a great thing to focus on this past few months - and I definitely feel better for it. I had no choice to some extent as my tummy was giving me so much grief. I have cut all processed foods and sugar and up'd my vege and superfood intake. I take vitamins and try to get out and about - but my exercise routine could definitely do with a kick start haha.

One thing I wished I had done was be nicer to myself. I was always trying to do things and pushing through it and I have to get up, I don't want to fall into a rut sort of thing. i doubt this would of happened.. I should of just rested and given myself the time to recover properly.


Anyway thanks for sharing - I love it when I can relate to the ladies on Jo's and I feel part of something special - you are all amazing women and an inspiration to me :) xxx


Haha smiler! Love that comment you put about the cancer magically disappearing with out scars or a trace!! Made me smile!! Thank you for replying :) K xxx

Thank you for replying

Ooops don't know what happened there! Thanks for replying too cervy2b!! I can certainly relate to the bit about being kinder to myself! I have been & still am terrible for pushing through it...

Laughing You are welcome Monkey, hope you are feeling much better today and just remember every day that passes is one less to worry about xx

I have just read your post and this is exactly how I feel.  Somedays I am ok but others I am irrationally angry with everyone and everything, others I spend the whole day trying not to burst into tears.  I thought it would be so much easier to get back to normal, about 4 weeks post surgery everyone starts saying things just like you experienced, 'the worst is behind you' 'I'm sure your glad to be back to normal'. Im thinking I have never felt so far from normal in my life. I am aware of how incredibly lucky I am to even be sitting here right now which is why I think I feel so guilty all the time about how much I am struggling to cope with it all. It feels like I'm being ungrateful, maybe I am!  


I started back to work about a month ago and It has been so much harder than I imagined it would be.  Every day the thought if going in fills me with dread. Did anyone else find going back to work hard?  


i will be 8 years post treatment/op this coming August.

what you are feeling and going through is completely normal.

you are being harsh on yourself. it took me a year to even recognise who I was. 

I am no longer the woman I was from 8 years ago and that takes time for you to get your head around the idea.

what we go through is traumatic. Yes, of course we are grateful for being the survivors but it is not without the odd bump or hundred to get over.

i am eight years down the line and made a good few friends on here which are sadly no longer with us. It is a reality we also worry about for ourselves. Being positive every day is terribly difficult at times. 

There is still never a day that passes that what I have been through doesn't resonate within me. But time is a healer and it will take time. How long? That is what makes us unique, we are all different and therefore we all get there when we do. It isn't a race and there are no time restrictions, you just need to find a way to be patient.

i still have problems today, I deal with them.

people don't talk to me as much now about my cancer, however, they may feel I should be over it, it's been so long. 

I do believe it is not something that is gotten over, but something that is apart of us and makes us who we become. How we chose to be is as individual for each and every one of us.

how you feel now is not how you will feel down the road, how far down that road is to have your new normal no-one can say. You will arrive there one day but be patient with yourself.  If you have a wobble day (I still do occasionally) don't beat yourself up for it. 


Take care. The 'normal you'  you used to be is no more but the new normal for you, you will find. xxxxx

Tinka…thank you so much for your reply…very very true!!!