Scared for Wife

Hello.

I am posting this on behalf of my wife because I am really concerned for her and will try to keep it as short as possible. I am currently having tests run for Throat Cancer, because of my age (mid 30s) and the fact I have never smoked and rarely drink I seen that the likely cause is HPV, I did not even know what HPV was until 2 weeks ago.

I had ended a relationship with an ex gf and started a new relationship with my now wife 15 years ago and the overlap was only a few months, I did have an STD test in between and all was clear but HPV was never mentioned so thought nothing else of it.

Fast forward to now. My wife recently gave birth to our 3rd son by planned c-section due to issues with previous births. At week 4 postpartum she told me she had a really smelly discharge, she called her nurse and she was advised this was normal after a birth it could’ve been old blood. She had been passing blood regularly but it stopped after after 4, then at week 6 she had a bleed it was enough for her to think her period had returned but it wasn’t and it was around this time she started to complain about lower back pain.

I am really concerned I gave HPV to my wife all those years ago and I’m assuming our bodies would’ve never had the opportunity to clear the virus as we would’ve been constantly reinfecting eachother and she possibly now has Cervical Cancer. I recently broke down and explained all of this to her and she thinks I’m just assuming the worst because I’m so worried about my own symptoms. She’s not concerned for 2 reasons:

1 - She had a cervical smear done 4 years ago and no abnormalities were reported. She said 4 years isn’t long enough for abnormal cells and then a cancer on top of that to develop.

2 - She recently went through a pregnancy and a c-section, she said at some point a nurse, doctor or surgeon would’ve seen something.

She gets frustrated now when I mention it so I have stopped mentioning it but I cannot stop worrying. I guess my question is - am I right to be worried? Or am I overreacting due to the things she mentioned?

Would appreciate any advice, thanks so much.

Hello I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and hopefully you can get the all clear soon, about your wife she is absolutely right not to be worried about her she said she had a smear 4 years ago and was all good no reason to believe something is wrong now, she could just have another smear now for peace of mind in the uk is 3 or 5 years for each smear depending were you live but some European countries and I believe some parts un the us is every year. Please read about HPV and cervical cancer you will see that most women have no problem and just get rid of the virus without it causing any issues at all , is only a few unlucky ones like me that do , so please try not to worry too much I am sure your wife’s inmune system managed to get rid of the HPV
Take care

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Hi,

It is perfectly fine to worry about your wife when she doesn’t feel ok and has symptoms but don’t beat yourself up about contracting her the virus or not. Most of people have HPV but doesnt mean that they will get cervical cancer. HPV can be in your system for years even before you two got married. Rather than looking the past and feel sorry, I would suggest just be there for your wife and don’t bring up the past because it doesn’t matter. If you worry that she has cervical cancer, try to persuade her to take a smear and to look into her symptoms.

Xxx

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Thank you both for the replies I really appreciate it. One thing I forgot to mention in my original post, where we live they do not test for HPV when they do smears they test for abnormal cells first and only then do they test for HPV.

I did say she should see the Doctor but she just maintains there’s nothing wrong with her and it was normal for her c-section recovery. Even knowing I made this post would probably make her angry but I’ve just been worried sick.

Try and convince her to go for a smear test if no abnormalities show is all good regardless of hpv positive .
Maybe one of the doctors that are looking after you can help convincing your wife to do another smear test . Take care and hopefully you recover quickly.

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My gynecologist told me last week that there is an ‘HPV smear brush’ that can be used instead of a smear - in my case because I’m ancient and a smear at 63 might be painful. He said that in future, this might be the normal screening process and only those with positive HPV will be called for a ‘full speculum examination’. Maybe your wife could request that?

Not sure if it’s possible where you live, but in the UK HPV self sampling kits can be bought on-line. If your wife is HPV negative she doesn’t need a smear test for now - HPV causes 99.7% of cervical cancer cases.

https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/hpv-test.html?gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpYbV2Z349wIVSflRCh2j9w9AEAAYASAAEgLP-_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thinking that 4 years isn’t long enough for abnormal cells/cancer to develop is making a lot of assumptions e.g. that her previous test was correct which unfortunately is not always the case. Also there are different kinds of cervical cancer and one or two of them can progress quickly. As one who very much regrets not keeping up to date with smears (see my back story) I would urge your wife to get tested sooner than later.

x

Thanks so much and I will keep trying. Right now she just doesn’t want to know, at the minute the cycle is I’ll bottle it up for a few days and then mention it again and sometimes she laughs it off, sometimes she gets fed up and angry. I even said to her about that test you can order online I said what harm can it do and she just point blank refused. She said she knows her body and even for a second if she thought something was wrong she’d get seen.

I will admit my wife has suffered from intermittent back pain for the last 10 years or so if it was that on it’s own, I’d be okay. It was the bleed at 6 weeks that worried me, she told me it’s normal to bleed that long after a c-section but all her bleeding had stopped after 4 weeks so it just seemed random.

The other issue is, my wife genuinely doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with me. She thinks all my own current health issues are related to severe stress and anxiety and this is now spilling on to her, I do not have a history of health anxiety. I just see too many dots connecting here and maybe subconsciously I am looking for things that aren’t there.

I know everybody who is here has gone through something or is currently going through something so I’m sorry if I have wasted anyone’s time because at this point I just think I’m ranting.

Hi Kayemter

You’re not wasting anyone’s time. Undergoing tests for a cancer, as you are, can be very challenging and can send our minds in all sorts of directions - a lot of us here know about that for sure.

Trying to see from your wife’s point of view; I stopped keeping up to date with cervical screening when I was 50y and like your wife I sometimes got fed up and angry - in my case it was when yet another reminder letter for my smear test arrived from my doctor. I can’t fully explain why I reacted like that; I know I was often tired and stressed during my 50s and there never seemed enough time to do everything - getting a smear test felt like yet just another chore I could do without. I also wonder if I was afraid the smear test might show something that needed investigating and I didn’t feel I had the energy to deal with that so chose not to know - crazy, irrational I know but it seems that’s how us humans think (or don’t think) sometimes.

Your wife has only just had a baby so no doubt she is still getting to grips with all that entails. It may be she feels she needs a break from anything gynaecological for a while. It’s great you care and are doing your best to help keep your wife healthy and I don’t have any magic answers to your situation. Easy to say but it would seem sensible to try a different tack and try and build an atmosphere which is relaxed and understanding otherwise stonewalling can creep in and that’s never helpful.

We’re hear to listen and share ideas whenever you need.

x

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I haven’t got involved in this conversation so far as my perspective is rather different, but maybe it’s a good time to say something.

I think, for the sake of your relationship, you need to concentrate on enjoying your relationship and the new baby, and tell your fears to get back in the cupboard. If your wife is having regular smear tests (which it sounds like she is) and is due one in a years time, then all is well. It’s good that your throat problems are being investigated but it sounds like there’s no conclusion yet that it is cancer - but the word ‘cancer’ holds such fear for humankind that your mind is going to all the worst dark places at a time when you feel very vulnerable and responsible because you’ve just brought a new life into the world together.

You may or may not have throat cancer, but try to keep your mind open, and try not to let your anxieties spill over to your relationship with your wife. She has a young baby and other children to care for and she needs a strong, supportive husband which is why she gets angry sometimes - although you’re only caring about her - because she thinks you’re getting things out of perspective and becoming obsessed with the idea of cancer. If she does have HPV (which is possible) her immune system is most likely to deal with it than not - women who do get cell changes are still a minority. If you’re young she may even have been vaccinated as a teenager. People get backache for many reasons - the LEAST likely is cancer. Women get bleeds after birth for hormonal reasons - the LEAST likely reason, if she wasn’t getting abnormal bleeds before the pregnancy, is cancer. Smelly discharge after C Section is most likely to be an infection. During her pregnancy she will have had multiple blood tests and there are markers if you’ve got cancer.

You feel bad. You feel responsible for the possibility that you could have given HPV to the person you love and the mother of your children. Yes, it’s possible - or that she gave it to you, of course. You will never know. My advice is to pull back from this before it damages both of you - let her be investigated symptomatically - i.e. if anything is wrong, she can get advice. If medical experts and the nurse did not think she could have cancer with her symptoms, why are you taking her there in your mind?

I do hope your throat problems turn out not to be cancer. She is actually correct in that anxiety can manifest with feelings that you’ve got some growth in your throat. The mind is a strange thing. You may not have had health anxiety before, you do sound very anxious to me. My advice, for what it’s worth, is to enjoy life and your children and stop badgering your wife to take extra tests, because she’s made it clear it’s upsetting her.

When she gets that letter through inviting her for a smear test, don’t make a big thing about it, but encourage her to go.

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Hi I would try not to worry, HPV can lay dormant for years it could have been any ex partner of yours and they can’t actually test for HPV in men!! So you would never know tbh if she had exes she could have got HPV from any of her exes just as much.

The fact is she is up to date on her smear tests, so she is right there is not much more she can do. She has just given birth so you need to focus on the baby and her health she probably just wants to relax and recover from the c section.

I asked the same question about reinfecting as I’ve been with my partner 13 years and was thinking is this why it’s not cleared. But there are different strains so if you clear it you would then be immune to that strain and not get it back, or if not it is your body that is not clearing it (not being passed back and forth) I’m still a bit confused on that one, but HPV is so common most people get it at some point!

In the UK smears are every 3 years so she may be due one soon in your country, I would leave it till it is due aswell, and I hope your tests go well and that it’s not as bas as you think

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