Scared and alone

Hi ladies,

I have been lurking here since my colposcopy 2 weeks ago and after talking to a lady on the helpline finally plucked up the courage to post. I was diagnosed with high-grade dyskaryosis following a recent smear test and taken in for a colposcopy. On the day the lady examining me said that anything abnormal would show in white and she would then decide whether to take the biopsy or do the treatment  straight away. When the liquid was applied nearly all of the surface of the cervix turned white which straight away worried me. The consultant decided to treat me straight away and performed a Lletz. Words like severe and CIN3 were mentioned and she said she noted a couple of the areas that she felt were different to the rest so she wanted to make sure they were biopsied. I think I was in shock as tbh most of its a blur and I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried a little in the chair. I am still waiting on the biopsy results and when I called to see if they were back earlier today they said they weren't back but they would chase them first thing tomorrow.

I live alone over 130 miles from my family and am single. I have no one really I feel comfortable talking to about this as the last person I tried didn't really understand what the problem was. They said that its clearly not cancer so stressing over something trivial but it doesn't feel trivial to me. I am not too bad through the day when I am at work as I am distracted but I admit my heart pounds whenever my phone rings and its an unknown number.

Another friend just keeps telling me to stay positive and although I know they are trying to help telling me to be positive doesnt make it happen. I haven't made it common knowledge in my circle of friends as one recenetly lost 2 of her friends to cancer and I don't want to tell them half a story, I want the full picture

I may not be making sense. I am scared and angry at myself and I feel like I am alone.  I would really appreciate some advise. Did anyone else feel like this whilst waiting for results and how did you pull yourself out of it?

Thanks in advance for reading



First of all sending you a massive hug! You are not alone, I have been in that dark place and if I'm honest if I'm on my own and overthink I go there again. I had treatment and just about to have my 6 month follow up which has brought up feelings again. 

Everything you are feeling is normal but however hard it is keep busy (im lucky that at work my brain goes 100 miles an hour), don't google (I know everyone does) and you have come to the best place, this website has been my lifesaver. 

If I can help with anything let me know 

Take care 

c x 


I'm with Caroline - this forum will help you through those WTF days and nights. I'm surprised my iphone didn't burn out with all the late night googling once I had the CC diagnosis!

Strangely enough (and quite unusually for me) I didn't go straight into worry mode after the colspocopy-biopsy. So much so that I went into the appointment the day I had the diagnosis - which , by the way, I'm pretty sure they would always deliver in person- I wasn't really thinking about the big C. 

My wee boy was 9 months old at the time (this is only 3 months ago!) and so I guess I had lots of other things distracting me and keeping me busy. A cancer diagnosis really isn't something on your radar during mat leave. 

Please do put your faith in the healthcare system we have here - they will look after you whatever treatment might be required. The ladies on the forum will be here for you to help once you've heard back after the biopsy. 

Take care, 




Thank you all, I appreciate your replies and it is good to see I am not alone in this. I am not scared of what the results may be its more the unknown. I know that may sound strange but I think once I know the results, if there is anything on them that require further treatment or investigation I will deal with it. Its just the fear of the unknown.

I am trying to stay away from google as too much knowledge can be dangerous.


Anyway after putting my words down on here last night it must have helped as I slept really well for the first time in 2 weeks. Thank you all for listening and I will let you know what the results are when I get them.



Hi Gromit :-)

You are absolutely correct, once you know what you are dealing with it becomes so much easier to deal with it, but fear of the unknown is an absolute doozy! And also, writing down your thoughts is almost as good as speaking with someone else. I have no idea why this works but it does :-) And finally, definitely keep away from Google!

Be lucky


Hi Gromit,


I'm with Tivoli on this one. Definitely not strange to feel worse about the unknown. I'm exactly the same, feel a little better knowing my biopsy results today but still got the unknown of scan results to come. Would feel 100% better knowing exactly what I'm up against and just get on and fight it. You are most certainly not alone. Everyone on this forum is fantastic and we are all here for you. It's like having a massive family full of people that understand. An invaluable resource.

Good luck

Rachel x

Hi Gromit,

You are not alone. I felt lost when I got the abnormal result. Googled like crazy! This is not trivial. It's your health. I was very upset and anxious until I got the results. Now I'm just exhausted from the worry but also concerned about the follow up in a few months due to the glandular involvement. I keep feeling like I was on the cusp of developing cancer. I still don't feel like doing much or being sociable yet, which may sound silly.

This forum has been very helpful for me. I have read so many helpful and supportive posts from amazing ladies.

Whaleshark I completely understand. Idon't feel like being social at the minute either.

A group of friends are having a girls night and I am the only one that isn't going but I really can't face it. I had just finished my first marathon when I had the smear results and treatment and the only thing that I feel capable of doing at the minute is running. I am keeping my mileage small but it's good to be able to just run. I think I am quite lucky as I seem to be healing quite well and after 2 weeks was able to return to exercise. This week my treadmill has been a god send whilst the biopsy results are still not in. I spent a good couple of hours the other night pulling together a training plan for my next event. I guess it's all about distractions. 


It would be hard to enjoy yourself when you have the worry of waiting for results. So frustrating that you have to wait over the weekend now. You're doing brilliantly by managing to train. I really hope it's taking your mind off things even if it's just for a short while. I've spent a lot of time in comfy pjs, warching films.

 I hope the weekend passes quickly and you get the results early in the week x

Results are in. The margins are clear and the biopsy shows it was early stage non invasive. They treatment worked and no further treatment is needed. I burst into tears it was such a relief