I havent been on for a while, as I try to get things back to 'normal'. A year ago I was just starting my treatment for stage 2b, and I have been keeping really busy trying to make this Jan a good one, to help forget ...... But tomorrow is MRI day, and I am starting to panic. Not about the scan, but what it might show. My sensible side says everything is fine, but then I have a twinge or a niggle and that sets me off panicing about it being back, because I had symptons for some months before I originally went to the drs ....... I know im being daft, but when Im sat down relaxing the 'dark' thoughts start to sneek in .... How do others handle the 'dark' thoughts ? I dont have any specific symptons, but do get a few niggles in my abdomen and sometimes in my kidney area (Im sure this is when I dont drink enough). Reading other posts I know some of you ladies post treatment have similar moments and it can be really difficult, but how do you put those thoughts to rest ?
I know just what you mean. I had my '1 year' MRI last November and I had the same feelings too. I don't think the 'dark' thoughts ever go completely but I try to do something to make me smile which in turn seems to encourage more positive thoughts. Things like watching a comedy film, having quality time with hubby or going for a lovely walk somewhere nice. It's a case of keeping the mind occupied on something else as much as possible - reading always helps me and I've done so much more of it since post op.
I still get abdomen niggles too but I guess our bodies have been through so much that it's doubtful that we wouldn't get any twinges - that's my theory anyway! And my consultant said it would take up to 2 years to heal internally so I guess there's quite a bit going on in there!
I'm sure it will get better with time, it's still early days and we need to keep pushing forward and concentrate on the good stuff.
Good luck with your MRI, let us know how you get on.
So glad its not just me - sometimes I think Im over reacting, so it is so reassuring to read im not alone. I know Im being daft, and hubby keeps telling me all will be ok, but those thoughts keep catching me out !! I do try to focus on positives and keep myself busy, and to be honest I feel fitter than I have in a long time
Keeping everything crossed, I will let you know when the results are in ......
Well to be perfectly honest Tracy if you've managed to distract yourself from 'dark thoughts' until the day before your MRI then it is you who should be coaching us! Wishing you the very best in your MRI today and hoping you don't have to wait too long for results and have cause to celebrate soon enough.
I had about six weeks of bubbling-under-the-surface-panic before my 3-year scan. No symptoms to trigger it, just a thoughtless word from someone trying to be empathetic. This is the problem with living in a different culture, not everybody pussy-foots around the darker side of life with quite the same delicacy as the British. Anyway, because it was about six weeks worth of angst it couldn't all be filled with comedy films, so that's when I started coming on here a lot and chatting and chatting and chatting! Thank you all for being such great friends :-)
hi tracey good Luck with your scan today, I'm sure everything will be fine! but like the ladies say the scary thoughts are normal, not nice but normal! Anyway let us know how you get on. Be thinking of you, Take care Hunni xx
Had the scan today, and it was the same radiographer that did my original scan ..... that got me thinking / remembering the last time I saw her ...... then to top it off the room was freezing which isnt helpful when you are trying to lie still. With all the thoughts and feelings flooding back I forgot about my breathing which hasnt helped to give clear images for the initial part of the scan. I do feel that I am being super daft, because I have had scans since my treatment and always felt fine about them. This time I seem to be all over the place, and when the scan finished I got that 'sinking feeling' when I was talking to the radiographer. Now I know she didnt say anything about the scans, and was removing canulas, blankets etc.... and so was pre-occupied, but I have convinced myself something showed up. Daft - yes it is, but still there. Then to top it all off I have cracked a tooth and cant get into the dentist until Weds ..... If anyone has a fast forward button I could borrow to get to this time next week quicker, I really would appreciate it lol
For what its worth, after my last MRI end of November, I was totally convinced that something was going to show up on it. I'd had all my other check ups ok but this one 'felt different' at the time. I was in the tunnel for longer and I'd convinced myself that was because they had 'seen' something. Anyway, the results were proof that my mind had been playing games with me as it was cancer clear - just some bowel adhesions and lymphocysts showed up.
What rotten lousy luck with your tooth, no wonder you want a fast forward button!
Wishing you lots of luck with your results and dentist appointment.
What a day. Hope it has not taken too much toll on you, it must be so emotionally draining. I have so much respect for you and your amazing composure .
I am having a large glass of vino for you so excuse my spelling.
When you find that fast forward button please do let me know :-)
I remember my second MRI, I looked at the face of the radiographer and convinced myself she had seen something really bad. Then when I was having radiotherapy every day, they often had to scan me regularly to check they were still targeting the right area as the tumour was shrinking. One day I had my scan, and when they had finished they said they wanted to do it again. Well, that was it. As far as I was concerned, they had found something really bad, and they were getting someone else to come and look at the screen to see how much it had spread. Well, in reality, they were just checking that they were targeting the right area!
I had an unltrasound today. On the screen, I could see a massive tumour on my kidney! The radiographer couldn't see anything.
Our minds play tricks on us, when we are going overdrive.
Thanks for the replies - like I said they really do help....
Becky - fab news about your scan, Im so happy for you. I really hope that you start to feel better soon. Like you my feelings seem to change - I not sure why, but guess its all part of the new path !!
Cheryl - fab news that your scan was cancer free - I really hope I will join you and Becky so am keeping everything crossed
Physically Im ok (apart from the tooth ....arggghhhh), but my mind seems to be out to get me !! Like others have said the mind does like to play tricks on us.
I really dont know when I started to feel like this - it seems to have creapt up on me and bitten me really hard in the backside !! I do think that this time last year I very much had my head buried in the sand and just pushed through the treatment without giving any thought to the 'what ifs'. Now a year on, I know so much more about the disease and the treatments, and maybe this is a case where knowledge isnt power lol.
After a really 'pants' night - I woke at 1.30 and had to wake the hubby for a 'chat' because I got myself into a right old state. Bless him he was fab, and I really couldnt do any of this without him, I am focusing on having a better day ..... with a sore tooth lol
A fast Forward-Button?? What about an UNDO button?? Wish I'd had one of those of the dash of my car the day I slammed into a London Taxi driver in his lovely shiny black cab!
Yes, it is very strange isn't it, how it's possible to walk through the whole diagnosis-thru-treatment thing in a sort of mental daze and then wake up a year later terrified of a simple test who's job is to confirm that you are indeed still well. I think we all go through phases of terror, I think we all manage to convince ourselves that we are on borrowed time, and then we get some good news and shake it all off and say how silly we were until the next time when we do it again. No, we aren't silly, it's part of the territory, it's payback for being cured! ;-)
Gets the adrenaline going though doesn't it! Just like a roller-coaster! Try to enjoy the ride :-)
