Yes, it does feel like it's happening to someone else - I remember exactly that feeling - when I was telling people that I had cancer, I usually ended up feeling sorry for them, because they were so upset about it. It didn't feel quite real to me!
Unfortunately smears are not 100% accurate and don't always pick up abnormalities, especially for the kind of tumour that I had (adenocarcinoma), although there is now a new 'brush' type of smear which is more accurate more of the time. Having said that, I can't quite get my head round the idea that you had a smear and internal ultrasound only six months ago and that both of those things missed a cancer that is now stage 4. I would definitely be asking them how on earth that happened!
I completely understand your fears over your children. I had exactly the same fears about my daughter - when I got diagnosed, she was the first thing I thought about. She will be having the HPV vaccine when she is old enough and all I can do beyond that is educate her about regular testing and detecting symptoms. Because of what I've been through, I imagine she will grow up to be pretty vigilant about her body, which ultimately is a good thing. There is no evidence that there is any greater risk of cervical cancer because of genetic links (such as one's mother having had it), so don't worry about that side of things.
It's perfectly normal not to want to know about things like survival rates, and actually, it won't be particularly helpful to you to find out, because everybody's clinical situation is different and figures like survival rates are built on very raw data, so don't really mean anything on their own. Generally they are used by medical scientists alongside other data, so it's not helpful or meaningful to look at them in isolation. It's possible that you'll want to know more as you go on, but if that's the case, then it's best to ask your cancer nurse or your consultant or your oncologist, so that they can answer those questions specifically about you, rather than in a general sense.
As for the apricot kernal capsules, all I would say is just be careful about that kind of thing. I am not 'anti' any kind of alternative medicine and I do believe it has a place, most often in a complementary sense, but the belief that seems to be common that if something is natural it can't do any harm to take it, is simply not true. Just like with conventional medicine, sometimes various things don't mix well when taken at the same time, so it's really best to run it past your oncologist before you take any kind of alternative treatment - obviously the last thing you want to do is be taking something in all innocence that you think will help, only to find out later on that it could inhibit the effectiveness of your chemotherapy! I completely understand the feeling of being willing to try anything for the sake of your children - overwhelmingly the best thing you can possibly do for them right now is follow the advice of your oncologist to the letter.
Keep coming back and let us know how you're doing.
With much love,