I received my cancer diagnosis mid August and think I was initially in shock/denial as was very practical minded about it all and not upset.
Since the MRI coming back clear you'd think I'd be more upbeat but the past week I have been feeling so low and at times absolutely terrified. I'm booked to have my cone biopsy on 9th March but know I will need a hysterectomy in the future.
I'm ok when with people and keeping busy but my mood is yo-yo-ing all over the place and on the whole I'm feeling very low about myself in general. I'm a single mum to a 6 month old baby boy and just feel like my life is a complete mess in every aspect apart from my beautiful son. Sometimes I wonder what the point of me is. Having cancer on top of the difficulties that go along with being a single parents is tough and I just keep thinking why me? The last few years seem to have been problem after problem, I just want life to go right for me for once and to feel good about myself and that I deserve my place in the world.
Sorry for the woeful rant, feeling very down on the dumps today.
Hi Sunshine.
Bless you. What you are feeling right now is completely normal and reasonable. A diagnosis of cancer at any age, whatever the stage is enough to rock anyone's world. Add the delivery (and joy) of a new baby that you have sole responsibility for into the mix, and the roller coaster adds another loop or two. So first thing's first, you are an amazing and awesome woman to have come through so much already, so try and be kind to yourself when that judgemental monkey in your head starts giving you a hard time! It's great that your health team are keeping a close eye and your MRI results really are great news.
It really sounds like you need somewhere or someone to let off steam. I don't know what country you are in but if you are in the U.K. could you access a Maggies Centre ( or Penny Brohn Centre if in the south west) or MacMillan Nurse to talk some of this stuff through? I don't think there would be a problem with taking your little one with you if you really couldn't access childcare for a couple of hours. I was also offered access to a clinical psychologist if I wanted, but the waiting lists can be long and it sounds as if you could do with some ears rather sooner than that, but ask about the possibility if you think it's worth waiting for, it sounds like the cumulative stuff of the last few years could do with a little unpacking.
Have you talked to your GP about how you are feeling? You might have a touch of post natal depression on top of everything else, that could be skewing things in your head a bit too. Having said that, we are all inclined towards 'woeful rants' in here from time to time, so feel free to drop in and rant away! You wouldn't be the first, definitely not the last and you'll probably find some fellow ranters to empathise with you too.
For what it's worth, I'm sending you a big virtual bear hug. You are a remarkable, strong awesome woman, try and remind yourself of that every day!
Hi Cheery1,
Thank you for replying and being kind. I'm feeling a bit more together today (for now at least).
I have a Macmillian nurse but don't really feel comfortable whinging to her. Tomorrow I'm going to one of the local support groups set up through Jo's and think that will be good to talk to other people who understand. There is only so much you can talk to loved ones as they are dealing with my diagnosis in their own way. My mother has a tenancy to be a bit hard and of the 'pull yourself together' brigade rather than appreciating we all need to come to terms with the situation in our own way.
I definitely don't have post natal depression but have experienced anx/dep in the past so I am keeping tabs on how I'm feeling. I would like some counselling but as you point out the waiting lists are silly and I can't afford to pay privately.
It's the long lonely evenings after baby has gone to bed and I'm left alone that things seem worst.
Sunshine-
As far as being down on yourself--why? You did nothing wrong to get this disease. I only slept with ONE person my entire life, and ended up with cervical cancer. It doesn't matter if you've slept with an entire rock band, or just one person--anyone can get cervical cancer. Yes, you can blame your rotten luck. I had a pity party for myself after I was diagnosed. I am a vegetarian who exercises regularly. I still cannot understand why my body did not fight off the HPV, but really, what point is it to speculate. It is what it is.
I am so glad you have a baby son to motivate you to pull through this. I think it is actually more difficult to push through this disease when you have no one. Don't laugh, but I do not have children--only one dog and two cats. When I was first diagnosed, the doctor told me I was late stage 2/early stage 3. I was so worried I would die, and set about finding homes for my dog and cats...and NO ONE in my family likes cats or wanted to take them, though I knew they would do it for me. Some days, I swear, I worked through the stress because I did not want to see my cats end up in a shelter or in a home where they were not wanted. To make a long story short, the doctor misdiagnosed me, and I am late stage 1, planning to have a radical hysterectomy. But no matter what stage you are at, there is reason for hope! There are women on this board that have been at late stage 3/stage 4 and have made it through cancer-free.
I agree with Cheery--what you are going through is totally normal. Eventually, you will realize that there is no reason why this happened to you, and you will pick up the pieces and move forward for you and your baby. Keep posting on here to keep us updated on your status. We are all praying and pulling for you!
Hi, hope you don't mind me butting in... why do you think you will need a hysterectomy in the future? I was 1b1, had a trachelectomy and unless it comes back... that's that for me... so I'm very curious.
sorry to ask.
x
Hi,
I wondered the same Gilly, as I had 1b1 and got a trach and they never mentioned getting any further surgery later on x
Re having a hysterectomy in the future. I asked my consultant bluntly if it is advisable in the future (otherwise why would they even offer it as an option, for a tumour of only a few mm in size in the first place, when they know all the complications it can cause 're bladder/bowel/sexual function?).
My consultant's response was 'most definitly" and her words were that is is essentially "playing with fire not to". Without trying to scare, having had CC once we are at a much increased risk of it coming back. It is evident I have had (probably numerous) false negatives with previous smears and for some reason my body isn't fighting off the HPV.
A trachelectomy was not given as an option so I'm unsure if these are offered in my area.
I trust her professional opinion as she is the lead for Colposcopy in my area and worked in this field for 34 years. After being fobbed off and falsely reassured by other consultants during pregnancy I appreciate someone finally telling it like it is.
