It’s been a lil while & i have so much going on in my head (positives & negatives) i thought it might help to get it out. Maybe some of you feel like this too…or maybe it’s time to surrender to the men in white coats.
I finished my treatment 3wks ago now (nearly 4 actually)
Physically, i am still exhausted. I am getting better uber slowly. For example a few wks ago i could only do about an hr of something before either feeling ill / nauseaus & needing to sleep but this weekend i managed an awesome weekend doing lovely things. I took my boy to Blackpool for the day on Sunday & built sandcastles & went round sealife - all be it, this had me pretty much bedridden till Thursday but it was soooooo worth it
I’m also in a certain amount of pain. Does anyone else have this? In my hips (they ache & are very stiff) & my groin & inner thigh on my left side (this is more of an uncomfy feeling & a tiny bit throbby). My lower back is still very achey too. All this stops me from sleeping properly (along with the countless get ups for the need to pee).
The above plays with my mind somewhat & so emotionally i am up & down - it makes me frightened & frustrated.
I go through phases of being scared it is now spreading again now im.no longer having any treatment. I manage to tell.myself to not be stupid but it still raises its ugly head. Its almost like playing mind games with yourself.
I am frustrated too as i worry about whether i will ever function normally sexually. I have used the dialator once and it hurt. I havent braved it again yet. I need to though. (Warning…stuff to make you blush coming up…) My better half & i were fooling around the other day - which was awkward as i wasnt confident for any other position but missionary but at the same time i didnt want him leaning on my left thigh & groin area, but not only that, to my horror he literally couldnt fit all his penis in. It would only go in a little way (please stop laughing and get up off the floor now!!) My poor fella. I know there’s other stuff we can do but im worried we’ll never go back to being as active as we were and then that makes me worried he’ll find someone who can be. I know im silly as he’s been so amazing and supportive through all this but i cant help it (my own mind doing it again with the mind games grrrr).
Im also frustrated with it all for my son. I dont have the energy to do all the things i usually do with him. He calls me boring mummy now
Aaaaargh…i am doing my own head in moaning about this now!
I dont feel like me anymore? I dont like this new me very much. Does that make sense?
And then i feel very ungrateful.
I moan about all my grey hair and how i look like a bloody badger cos i cant dye it…but how ungrateful is that??? At least i am lucky enough to have kept the majority of my hair!
I moan about all the weight i put on with the dam steroids…but again, how ungrateful! Thise meds helped keep me alive.
And for all the p#$$ing & moaning about a bit of pain, or how down/worried i am sometimes…again…ungrateful!!! I am alive!
Ok…i will end this with something to make you smile hopefully. I know we have talked about memory loss before… another symptom of menopause.
Well i was at my local.cancer centre earlier this week and some of the group were talking about chemobrain& how it made them forgetful or do daft things. So i was giggling and saying how those of us treated for CC had a double whammy of menobrain AND chemobrain.
Well, on Wed a.m. my son was getting ready for a forest fun day & he said he could smell burning. Burning? I thought, thinking he was winding me up. I laid there in my snuggly bed for a minute before leaping up & flying down stairs to find smoke billowing out under the living room door. I’d only almost burnt the house down because i’d forgotten i’d put his walking boots infront of the gas fire to dry out after his muddy puddle jumping the day before. Well, i opened the door to the living room and it looked like a bad nightclub with an overactive smoke machine and his boots were smoking brickettes…oops! I pick.them up.to race them.outside before they burst into flames. Half of them crumble and fall onto my carpet and melt big holes in it. I get to the front door. Its locked! Where are my damn keys??? Honestly…it was like a scene out of Some Mothers Do 'Av 'Em!
I dont know if it was meno or chemo brain or just the fact i am a daft bat, but we were bloody lucky! The living room still stinks!!! The smell has finally gone from the rest of the house. On the brightside…i might get a new sofa now ive been asking for aaaages lol.
Big love to.you all xxxx