Physical & emotional post treatment me

Hey ladies,
It’s been a lil while & i have so much going on in my head (positives & negatives) i thought it might help to get it out. Maybe some of you feel like this too…or maybe it’s time to surrender to the men in white coats.

I finished my treatment 3wks ago now (nearly 4 actually)

Physically, i am still exhausted. I am getting better uber slowly. For example a few wks ago i could only do about an hr of something before either feeling ill / nauseaus & needing to sleep but this weekend i managed an awesome weekend doing lovely things. I took my boy to Blackpool for the day on Sunday & built sandcastles & went round sealife - all be it, this had me pretty much bedridden till Thursday but it was soooooo worth it :slight_smile:

I’m also in a certain amount of pain. Does anyone else have this? In my hips (they ache & are very stiff) & my groin & inner thigh on my left side (this is more of an uncomfy feeling & a tiny bit throbby). My lower back is still very achey too. All this stops me from sleeping properly (along with the countless get ups for the need to pee).

The above plays with my mind somewhat & so emotionally i am up & down - it makes me frightened & frustrated.
I go through phases of being scared it is now spreading again now longer having any treatment. I manage to tell.myself to not be stupid but it still raises its ugly head. Its almost like playing mind games with yourself.

I am frustrated too as i worry about whether i will ever function normally sexually. I have used the dialator once and it hurt. I havent braved it again yet. I need to though. (Warning…stuff to make you blush coming up…) My better half & i were fooling around the other day - which was awkward as i wasnt confident for any other position but missionary but at the same time i didnt want him leaning on my left thigh & groin area, but not only that, to my horror he literally couldnt fit all his penis in. It would only go in a little way (please stop laughing and get up off the floor now!!) My poor fella. I know there’s other stuff we can do but im worried we’ll never go back to being as active as we were and then that makes me worried he’ll find someone who can be. I know im silly as he’s been so amazing and supportive through all this but i cant help it (my own mind doing it again with the mind games grrrr).

Im also frustrated with it all for my son. I dont have the energy to do all the things i usually do with him. He calls me boring mummy now :frowning:

Aaaaargh…i am doing my own head in moaning about this now!
I dont feel like me anymore? I dont like this new me very much. Does that make sense?
And then i feel very ungrateful.
I moan about all my grey hair and how i look like a bloody badger cos i cant dye it…but how ungrateful is that??? At least i am lucky enough to have kept the majority of my hair!
I moan about all the weight i put on with the dam steroids…but again, how ungrateful! Thise meds helped keep me alive.
And for all the p#$$ing & moaning about a bit of pain, or how down/worried i am sometimes…again…ungrateful!!! I am alive!

Ok…i will end this with something to make you smile hopefully. I know we have talked about memory loss before… another symptom of menopause.
Well i was at my local.cancer centre earlier this week and some of the group were talking about chemobrain& how it made them forgetful or do daft things. So i was giggling and saying how those of us treated for CC had a double whammy of menobrain AND chemobrain.
Well, on Wed a.m. my son was getting ready for a forest fun day & he said he could smell burning. Burning? I thought, thinking he was winding me up. I laid there in my snuggly bed for a minute before leaping up & flying down stairs to find smoke billowing out under the living room door. I’d only almost burnt the house down because i’d forgotten i’d put his walking boots infront of the gas fire to dry out after his muddy puddle jumping the day before. Well, i opened the door to the living room and it looked like a bad nightclub with an overactive smoke machine and his boots were smoking brickettes…oops! I pick.them race them.outside before they burst into flames. Half of them crumble and fall onto my carpet and melt big holes in it. I get to the front door. Its locked! Where are my damn keys??? Honestly…it was like a scene out of Some Mothers Do 'Av 'Em!
I dont know if it was meno or chemo brain or just the fact i am a daft bat, but we were bloody lucky! The living room still stinks!!! The smell has finally gone from the rest of the house. On the brightside…i might get a new sofa now :slight_smile: ive been asking for aaaages lol.

Big love all xxxx

Hi. Firstly 3-4 weeks isn't a long time - your body (& brain) has been through a lot so it's not going to get better too quickly. Don't forget you've had 5 weeks of treatment which is still working away at you. 

I think I was incredibly lucky in that my treatment was pretty easy and my recovery was quick. Maybe it's cos I had 4 weeks not 5? Maybe more hospitals need to be looking at what mine was doing? I dunno.

Blackpool is an incredibly hectic place - I live in Manchester and have a merlin pass so we go there a lot and even the healthy me was knackered after a trip there. Giveit time. Small steps.

I think if you are in pain you should contact your consultant - they will help you manage your pain. There's no point in suffering if you don't have to.

It's doubtful it's spreading as all the treatment you had would have stopped it in its tracks and it's still working. I presume you'll have a check up in a couple of weeks,  start writing your list of questions now.

I think it's a bit soon for sex and your dilator.  I was told 4 weeks I think for the dilator and sex would be later. Start off with the smallest dilator and then move up. I've found coconut oil has been the best lubricant. 

School holiday must be hard with your son. How old is he? Could you perhaps have friends round to keep him busy? Set up a project for him to do? Get family and friends to help out? Don't forget this is only temporary. 

How come you can't dye your hair?  I was desperate to dye mine and was told I could with a skin test. I waited 6 weeks though.

I have put on weight too. I'm just going with it though. I'm eating healthily,  walking etc but I'm still bigger than I've been. I'm not letting it bother me though.

Chemo brain. How about when you do something set a reminder in your phone - an alarm to go off at a certain time so you don't burn the house down! Make sure you put the keys in the same place all the time - maybe a hook near the door. I've actually got spare  keys hung up in accessible places cos I was advised to by the fire brigade (that was a great day -  I got the fire brigade to come out for my childminding kids to check how fire safe my house is - 4 came round in the fire engine).

I'm not sure if it is chemo brain tbh, I think we just have so much on our mind that other things slip.

Just remember though, this is temporary,  you will get better. 


How smart is Philleepa?
I can't add to that :-)


Be lucky :-)

Lol thanks tivoli. Sometimes I'm a bit too smart for my own good. 

I just feel that there is always a way round everything.  It might not get you to where you want to be but be as close to it as you can be if you get what I mean. 

Sometimes it's a waiting game and sometimes you just need to tweak things.

When I first came on here I was in a very very bad place. I knew/hoped I could work my way back to me and I think I'm getting there. I'm me with a twist now. I feel up and ready to face things (maybe I'll feel differentia a couple of weeks when I'm waiting for the results of my next mri.......).

I'm on my holidays in Spain at the moment. Looking back i think This is where my first signs of cc appeared 3 years ago but 100% 2 years ago when I passed a giant blood clot. I'm trying hard not to focus on that but to focus on having a lovely time. 

I've even been on a 6k walk through the mountains this morning - something I've never done in the 14 years I've been coming for. 

I don't know why I'm rambling on. Probably just to let emma know that life does get back on track and I think you're just open do do that little bit more with your life 

I'm hoping to do a 5k tun in september to raise money for my local hospice (running through bubbles - should be ace).

I know Lozzleypez is going to do a muddy run for jos. I'll be sponsoring her!

Set your sights to the goals you want to achieve in the future x x 

Thank you so much Philleepa & Tiv,

That post was so good Philleepa, so useful, so needed. I need to get my head outta my ass lol. I know i need to learn patience. It's never been a strong point of mine & is a long running jike between my awesome better half and i. 

The hospital said a fortnight before using the dialators. My hubby is uber patient (he took my share i think) & certainly mot pushy. It is me thats the worry wart. 

I have a clinic with my oncologist so i will wait till then before anymore fooling around and check about the pain most definitely. 

Thank u my gorgeous girlies xxx


I felt exactly the same as you did after treatment, exhausted & aching. You must rest when your body tells you to & on days you feel able to, go build sandcastles.

I do still have aching hips, ankles & lower back. I feel about 90 yrs old getting up in a morning but once I get going I'm okay. You will get there eventually so don't beat yourself up about it. As to dyeing your hair, I waited 6 wks then put a semi-permanent colour on it. Felt loads better for not having two tone hair lol. Emotions fluctuate constantly but hey, we're human & on a scary journey, cry & shout all you want.

Now to touchy subject of dilators & sex. I was heartbroken to think I would lose this part of my relationship with my husband so persevered with the god awful things. Started very slowly, at a time when I was on my own & could  relax. It does hurt, can't lie about that but it does ease. I did & still do it 3 times a week and up to size 3 now. We too only do missionary as my hips can't take much movement atm but at least we are close which is something I never thought would be possible 3 months ago so don't despair. (Sorry if tmi but needs must).

Keep in touch and Take Care

Flo xx

Thank u for that Flo,

Sex is soooo important to me. My relationship with my better half is still so new. Just coming up to 2yrs. So after a 14 yr marriage to a cold &;mean wasnt anything to be enjoyed. My better half has slowly taught me how to be confident about myself and enjoy sex again so to lose it now is torturous. I WILL GET THERE!!! :) 

Hmmmmmm 6 wks you say? AWESOME! Think im going to be a naughty girl & try that haha. The badger look is not a good one hahaha. 

Big love to u all xxx

Hi Emma,

Lots of love to you, I look back now and realise I asked a lot of myself too soon. Little steps! Hard for your son to understand and hearbreaking for you I know to feel not up to much. Xxx

Vaginas are one of my favourite topics... Avert your eyes if you're easily embarrassed - If cocunut oil does not work for you I suggest you hunt down some products by Yes! company. Unfortunately the one available on prescription may not be the best for your circumstances (water based lube). You could the their vaginal moisturiser and /or the oil-based lube. My physio says to moisturise your vj every day just as you do your face. I imagine that daily gently massage with fingers would be a good start when you feel ready. Also, would you fancy trying a sex toy at some point - Ann Summers has a good range of sizes including very soft silicone ones. Might feel more fun than the stretchers?!

Hope this is not TMI but I'm into women's health! Menopause is weird and yes our sex lives are v important and there is not a lot of support out there. You might seek out a womens health physio too, our NHS has a self-referral service.

Best wishes xxx


Hi Moonfish

Thank u for your post. Brilliant.  I will massage daily, visit Ann Summer & keep trying with the hubster! 

Just back from a four day break away with my son & my hubby & his son. I am bloody knackered beyond belief now lol but i thoroughly enjoyed myself. Completely what i needed. Xxx