can't believe I've got myself into such a state that I am now posting to a cervical cancer forum (not sure which forum to put this in though)!

9 years ago now (2004) I had an abnormal smear, sent for colposcopy, Lletz procedure, CIN3 diagnosed and removed.  Since then I have regularly attended my yearly smear tests (I act as soon as I recieve my reminder letter) and each time the results have been normal.

Over the last few months I have what can only be described as feeling 'odd/not right'. Flushes, heavy periods, continuous lower back ache, dizzy spells, period pains any time through my cycle ( I'm 44 and have never suffered period pains or heavy bleeding), odd 'blackish/brown' discharge about a week before my period.  I was feeling slightly apprehensive when I went for my yearly smear test on 17th of this month.  Without wanting to sound like a hypochondriac I didnt mention anything to the nurse doing the test.  I keep putting it down to age and stresses at work.  When she was doing the smear she asked if I had had any previous treatment as there was a 'lump' on my cervix.  When I said I have had a previous biopsy she said 'oh that'll be it then'.  I did think this was odd as no-one has ever mentioned this 'lump' before and like I said its 9 years since that treatment.

I eventually got my results today after 2 long weeks of waiting and reading everything I can find regarding CIN, cervical cancer etc etc.  The results show 'abnormalities' and also 'show evidence of high risk HPV infection'.  It goes on to say I should hear from the colposcopy clinic within the next 4-6 weeks!!!

Am I over reacting and freaking out un-naturally????  12 months ago everything was fine.  Now I have a 'lump' on my cervix, 'abnormalities' detected and 'high risk HPV'.  Is is coincidence I have been saying for months 'I just don't feel right'  'I feel generally unwelll and can't put my finger on it'?  That's a lot of changes in a short period of time!  A lot more can happen in another couple of months at this rate while I wait for colposcopy and more results.  Logically I keep telling myself to not worry it can't be anything untoward I have such regular smear tests and all have been normal.  But my mind keeps telling logic to 'do one'!!!!!

I feel so alone with this, my close friends live over 300 miles away in the south.  I moved to Yorkshire last year to be close to my daughter as she was recently diagnosed with a progressive, incurable, rare disease (mitochondrial disease) and I am here for support for her!  My mum and dad are currently spending the next 6 months in Spain.  I have no partner and live alone.  I have very good work colleagues but don't feel close enough to off load all this to any of them.

How do we stay sane????

Di x

- See more at: http://www.jostrust.org.uk/forum/cervical-screening-smear-test-discussions/worried-0#sthash.jfCMFdOS.dpuf

Hi I'm relatively new to this myself, so sorry for your anguish & feeling alone in this. I don't think logic can withstand the kinda crazy thoughts that can happen, just take it one day at a time, keep busy cause the waiting is so hard & don't google loads (that one is for me too big time!!) I found keeping a diary has helped me to kep track of things, & write down things I needed to get out too!All the best, think positive-o!!! Hope I helped a bit xxxx And just log in here & chat too. xxx

Hello Di

I just want to try and put your mind at rest if I can. Your symptoms, you describe before your smear, sound awfully familiar (im 43). All of them in fact. I have been told that I am peri menopausal if that helps. Its the transition leading up to the menopause and our periods can go awry, causing all the symtoms you describe.

This MAY explain why you are feeling this way. Im not saying they are for definite as Im no doctor but it could be this.

Also, your results from your smear are the same as mine too. I waited four weeks for my colposcopy and have to say that they were by far the longest most stressful four weeks of my life. I googled literally every day - read up on HPV, which I had very little knowledge of; the only words I saw were "high risk" and that was enough to send me reeling!!! However, I did find reading up on HPV interesting and enlightening. It helped me cope with how I felt about having "high risk HPV"; where it had come from, how common it was and how I could help myself rid myself of it (I stopped smoking for example). I felt i was doing something positive to help myself.

It may well be that, as far as the lump is concerned, that this is the area where your abnormalities are - then again it could well be that it was just from your procedure before, as the nurse said.

Believe me when I say that I know you are out of your mind with worry. Believe me when I say that waiting for your appointment, and possible pending results, will cause you to feel very anxious. I understand because I felt the same. I could sit here and say try not to worry etc., I know that wont help because its only natural to worry. You are not freaking out or over reacting. You are scared.... its natural to feel scared. Logic goes out of the window!

Salamoenti is right...the only way I got through the waiting was to keep busy. Sometimes it helped and sometimes I felt unable to. Be kind to yourself. Youre only human, and the waiting is by far the worst thing of all. I understand how lonely you feel...I too am a single parent and although I have good friends a lot of them didnt understand how I felt. I felt quite alone.

The best advice I can give you is to stay on this site....try and keep things in perspective...take baby steps and try not to think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes and treat yourself in someway as often as you can. I took long soaks in the bath, had my nails done and even treated myself to a massage! Whatever floats your boat lol!

Your date for your colposcopy, that way, will soon come around and along with that, your questions will be answered, and you'll have peace of mind. The other thing to remember is that you are doing the right thing. While you are "in the system" you are being monitored and cared for, any abnormalities will be treated. At least you know.

Dont wander too far from here... the support network here is amazing, balanced and full of women who have had lots of experiences. Read through the old threads, not just on here but in the smear test section too.

I hope that helps and I'll be thinking of you

Lily xx

Bless you both for taking the time to reply, thank you.

Lily your words were so true, I am scared.  So baby steps it is.  One day at a time.  Back to work next week so I will be kept busy and not able to sit the entire day on google so that will help! (I'm a science teacher - head of department, no rest for the wicked lol).

I will be keeping in touch and will be around this site for company and moral support waiting for my appointment (which can't come soon enough).

 Thank you once again for taking time out of your own life to reply...good luck with your own battles

 Di x

Good luck di,

this part is the worst as the worry causes your mind to come up with all kind of scenarios- I know I ended up self diagnosing with stage 4 cancer as I had so many aches, pains, symptoms, etc... We ladies can be our own worst enemies...

the fact your last smear was only a year ago is good as cervical cancer is a notoriously slow growing cancer apparently so IF and I mean IF this is what happens, it will be very very early stages. The MAIN chances are though that this is "just" CIN, just naughty cells jiggling themselves about on your cervix and causing a nuisance!! These can be easily "taken away" at the colposcopy by LLETZ if necessary. The thing is, you just won't know until you've had the colposcopy. Waiting... Waiting... Waiting... but I see you are a fellow teacher so you will have plenty to keep your mind occupied over the coming weeks so throw yourself into work and being with your daughter. Perhaps a little socialising with some work colleagues, to start building those relationships where you can start to share your problems. My work colleagues have been amazingly supportive, and were so through my colposcopy experience too as many of them had "been there, bought the t-shirt"!

again, good luck and fingers crossed xxx


Hi so sorry to hear but i can also understand. Came off the implant in june and have felt strange since.

I have bin on yearly smears since 2006. Which have always come back normal and this year they came back normal apart from high risk hpv which in my lettet said we have tested uou for this virus as you are 30, id never heared pf it before. I wont lie am freaking out everyday os a battle and my coloscopy is not till 22 nov. But whay freakd me out more is i foind a liump which dont hutt os the size of a pea and hard locayed just above my bikini line. I gave up smoking 3days ago on the 1st. I havr had bad adominal pain for a couple of weels to.

Keep us posted of your outcome. Xxx cemone xxxx