Sheesh! Some days I can focus on gratitude and live my life to the fullest. Other days? I obsess about recurrence! I get to the point that I start envisioning future treatments and wonder what it will take for me to stop all treatments. How long will I do it? At what point will I give up? How quickly will this disease take me? Ugh the questions go on and on. Then it will pass and I’ll have good days/weeks then BOOM it’s back for a day or two. Pretty sure it’s ‘normal’ to some extent but then I start fearing I’m making it happen by thinking about it. At these times I actually feel crazy in my head.
Rant over! Thanks for reading and hope you all have the best Christmas possible 
Hi Boundie :)
I'm very pleased for you that you got the all clear in October!
I have no idea if it's normal to obsess about recurrence but I'm sure many people do. I've still got to have my treatment and I'm already looking up about recurrence rates all the time!
At least you're having good days as well and not just worrying days :) Hopefully you'll spend less time obsessing the more time passes :)
I hope you have a great Christmas x
Hi boundie . I think that's pretty normal. I feel like I'm living my life 3 months at a time x
I was stage 4 too yet we had different treatment . I wonder why x sometimes I wish I could sit with the Dr's and ask question after question x
Hi Boundie, I think alot of us obsess about recurrance, I know I do and sometimes go over scenarios in my head of being told something bad especially when I've got a check up due. Have you had counselling? I did and it helped a bit x
Thanks Jenny! I am over the in happy with my outcome :)
Phileepa I've often wondered about that too! I would love to do the same. I suppose if it's working I shouldn't question but I am very curious how they decide who gets what treatment.
Libby I am in counselling and share these thoughts with my therapist on a regular basis. Once I talk about it I stop obsessing for the time being. It helps to vent here too because I think hearing I'm not alone is the best therapy I will ever have :)
Hi boundie
hope your having a good and clear mind day today
sometimes it helps to have a rant and put down what your feeling to get it out of your system so rant as much as you need
I have recurrence and have just finished the chemo mix in October the tumors haven't gone but are the smallest they will ever get I have a lot planned till an update scan in March
i made the decision at the begining of the month not to talk or think about the dreaded C word but it is hard and does keep creeping in my thoughts even when im busy shopping I just keep telling myself no get out or start singing in my head to block it out
stay positive and keep in your thoughts that you are clear and at this moment right now you have beaten it and your an excellent cancer fighting chick
have an excellent Xmas keep ranting and talking to your therapist and stay strong
onwards and upwards
love Michelle xx
Hi Boundie I just wanted to say something about your comment that if you think about recurrence you'll make it happen. You know rationally that that is complete nonsense. A positive attitude doesn't stop the disease and a negative attitude doesn't cause it to come back. Feel free to be as pessimistic as you like knowing that it will have no impact. I have known myself to quite enjoy my maudlin days, planning my funeral, wondering who'll cry and the gap I'll leave. I have a cry and then I get over it and can enjoy the good times. I can't predict the future. My sister had gastric cancer had surgery but refused chemo and went home to die, she'd suffered from depression for many years. Lo and behold 7 years later completely clear of cancer. She managed to drink herself to death instead. My point being - all the negativity in the world will not alter the course. Jayne
Just want to say it's normal to think about th things because at the end of the day your human and its natural for you to worry about the worst case senarios I know I do....mine is more to do with crippling depression that I am dealing with - I'm waiting for someone to call me back about councilling - I'd have more luck waiting for my cat to start talking ATM it seems like!!
I just take the good days with the bad and try not to obsess about the bad thoughts - try thinking of something funny or something nice a memory when the thoughts come on distract yourself if you can I find sometjmes this helps me xx
Hi Boundie :-)
Oh obsessing about recurrence is as normal as normal can be! However, the more 'all clear's you get under your belt the less you do it. Don't worry :-)
Jayne! Fabulous words of wisdom! You have just become the fairy on my Christmas tree!
Be lucky everyone :-)
Tivoli
Well Tivoli I am very pleased to be a fairy on a tree somewhere in Greece.
Hi Boundie
I think it is "normal". I haven't even got the "all clear" yet and I think about reoccurence on a daily basis. I started seeing a therapist and she said this is normal, and we are working on accommodating for some "what if" thinking in my life.
I agree with Jayne about the positive/negative attitude stuff - you just be whatever you need to be on each day. Don't put any pressure on yourself to be "positive".
And when you are having your obsessing days, you can always come here to rant anytime you like.
Rosie xx
Thanks ladies! I am so grateful I can rant here and have other women who can support! I feel much less crazy lately as I am no longer obsessing or believing I have any control over the outcome....until next time!
I hope you all had a magical Christmas!
