Not having a good day

Some people may be aware that I am waiting for an MRI scan on the 25th. Up until now I have just been thinking about my diagnosis of cancer for the past week and only now have I started to panic about it. Ive been googling all night (not a good idea) i keep looking at survival rates etc and I'm scared I won't see my babies grow up, everyone tells me to think positive but how can I? Just the word "cancer" itself is enough to think the worst, i can't talk to my husband about how I'm feeling he just assumes I'm strong and dealing with it but I feel like I'm breaking down inside. I just want to know how bad it is and start my treatment, the whole time I'm waiting just gives me more time to think and my thoughts are not good right now! Can anyone relate to how I'm feeling? X

Hi Rebecca, 

I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are. Having been exactly where you are, I feel for you so much. Waiting for staging is just horrible and I remember thinking that even if I'm late stage, I'd rather just know - not knowing where you are or what's going to be done about it is very hard.

I can completely relate to how you're feeling. I tried to be positive as well and did manage it some of the time, but the romantic view that some people have of cancer and 'fighting it' doesn't help on days when actually, you don't feel positive at all and don't have the energy to 'fight'. It tended to hit me in waves, I think. I am sure that every thought that's going through your head went through mine as well and through the minds of other people here. i remember one day looking through itunes to try and do something easy that would perhaps distract me (that 'distraction' by the way, is not something I ever found possible!). Rather than distract me, all I ended up thinking was 'What if I end up being one of those people who has to plan their own funeral.' It was horrendous and looking back now I can see that planning my own funeral - or any of those kinds of thoughts - was never on the cards. 

You're right that Googling is not a good idea. Apart from the fact there's a lot of rubbish and very outdated data on the internet, even when you can be discerning about the information that you're looking at, what that stuff doesn't tell you is important extra information. For example, survival rate data does not take into account type of tumour, age at diagnosis and the stage that you're at when you're diagnosed, which massively skews the end result of that data. I can assure you it's irrelevant to you and you're better off not looking at it - not because it will tell you some kind of 'truth' that you won't be able to handle, but because it's entirely irrelevant to your case.

I don't want to tell you what to do in your relationship, or with your husband, but is there any way that you could try and talk to him? He won't know how you're feeling unless you tell him and however he seems, he is probably struggling himself. You talk about him thinking you're strong, but sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit your true feelings, admit that you're frightened - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You've both had a terrible shock with this news - communication is really important at a time like this. 

It's completely natural that you feel as you do at this time. Getting a cancer diagnosis is both shocking and frightening and can make you feel very out of control. Every day that you have to wait for something and that you feel nothing obvious is being done is very hard to endure and like you say, your mind can race with every version of worst case scenario that you can possibly imagine. I know it's so so hard, but try to take one hour, one day at a time. Be kind and patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel however you feel. 

Annabel. x

I can identify with exactly how you are feeling and it is very very scary and isolating.  I too googled and it terrified me.  My consulatant reminded me the internet is not regulated and survival rates get better all the time and the data is always in the past and hides the fact it includes a lot of sick & older people with complications & other illnesses.  I was diagnosed with stage 2b grade 3 aggressisive cells as had not had a smear test for years.  That was in 2003 and am cured.     The consultant also told me the treatments very good and you will get the best care.  I found the treatment ok remember going shopping a lot as could not face going to work my GP said prioritise on yourself and your needs, not all your family and friends will understand why would they if they have not been through it, take a step back and a deep breath and put yourself first and look after yourself. You will get through this and you will amaze yourself.  Be kind to yourself and accept your nearest and dearest cant help it if they bug you, let it go over your head. Use and abuse your closest friends and your GP or anyone that helps you as in a personal journey but talk to those who make you feel OK

Rebeeca sorry signed off too quick, meant to say the consulltant also said the waiting was the worst and after that you will have a treatment plan and be focused on that and it was so true. The first week or so following my diagnosis was the worst I went to hell and back with my thoughts, it does get better but I know you will find this hard to believe.  Take good care of yourself you are number one at the moment not anyone else around you x x

Hi Rebecca,

Yes, I can empathise as I've been there too.

Don't beat yourself up too much, it's OK to have a down day.

Waiting is by far the worst thing, everyone who's been through it will agree. It's impossible to stop your mind wandering. I tried to fill my days with work, we went out lots at night or planned tasks/activities simply to fill my time. We (hubby & I) agreed we'd go mad if we stayed home worrying - so we painted on a smile and continued as usual. Like you though, privatly I had LOTS of bad times - hours, days. You can't help it. Indulge yourself in a bad day, but pick yourself up at the end of it and carry on. Being terrified is so exhausting!

Please see my signature for my history - and please take from it that a cervical cancer diagnosis doesn't always mean what you think it might. I no longer feel sad or unlucky that I got cancer - I feel so lucky it was caught early and required minimal treatment - I hope the same is the case fo you too. When I was diagnosed and joined Jo's I didn't see so many stories like mine, so I'm extra keen to share it with newly diagnosed ladies - there is hope!

Please use us Jo's girls who have been, or are going through it for support as often as you need to. I'm sure your hubby is also scared and worried, but no one understands it more than those facing it too.

Keep us posted, we'll all be hoping and praying for you.

Lisagp x x x

PS Google - I think it's OK to arm yourself with facts - but as the others have pointed out there's lots of bad info out there. My advice is to stick to Jo's and Cancer Research UK for FACTUAL information. x x


i can understand how u feelits the waiting im waiting to start my treatment one dayimfinre then next day im crying think its normal x