No sex :-(

Hi, 

Just reading through some of your posts and it inspired me to write this. I'm going to be quite blunt and to the point so I'm sorry if it gets graphic.....:-)

I have not had sex with my partner since I was diagnosed in 2011! I know the reason is simply that I am too scared. I'm not scared of the pain, I'm scared of bleeding! I know this is irrational, but if I leave it alone - I keep control and know that if I ever see bleeding, its a bad sign. Then longer it gets, the harder it is to try. My partner is so good and accepts this, even though he would obviously love to have the intimacy again. We hardly even cuddle or kiss as it always led to him trying to initiate something and then I would feel bad as I'd say no. I dont have a sex drive anymore but still get jealous when I hear friends talking about theirs. I sometimes resent my partner as he still has a sex drive and functions normally!

I haven't had support from anyone related to my post treatment care. I see my consultant for checks every 6 months but that's it.. I never had a CNS, or MacMillan nurse and was prescribed dilators by my consultant, but not what I was supposed to do or even check if I was using them.

My consultant did refer me to a sex therapist, but they discharged me after 1 visit as I knew my problem and what I should be doing.,,:-\. 

I don't like the "woman" I am now - my body is so different and I hate seeing it. I know my partner still finds me attractive but that's not enough. I know its a selfish attitude but I cant help it.

I'm hoping I'm not the only person out there who feels like this? I read other people's posts about having a sex life and then I start feeling sorry for myself.....

Keep strong,

Cathryn :-) 

 

Hi Cathryn!

I just recently had my surgery back in december, and I cannot tell you the relief that i felt when my oncologist said no sex for 3 months! I completely understand the fear and anxiety you are feeling. As I am trying to understand my feelings towards this, I feel like since sex is the reason I contracted hpv and the resulting cancer....you can feel quite conflicted! You feel different/you dont look like you did previously...its hard to get a handle on. You aren't alone. It might be helpful to have some discussions with maybe a therapist that specializes with couples and coping after surgery? Surgery and cancer not only takes a toll on your body, but more so your psyche and your mental health as well. Hang in there!

Hi Cathryn

Im happy you submitted your post as i have been feeling exactly the same. I am so fed up of having things poked and prodded inside me that now i just want to be left alone!

My whole experience has been awful and i curently have a complaint going through about the way my Dr dealt with things as she didnt explain anything to me and at 25 with being diagnosed after my first smear everything has moved very quickly and i feel i have lost control of things. I too have no sex drive what so ever, i dont want to be cuddled or kissed as similar to you i feel like it leads to other things and i dont want to be the person saying no all the time. My partner was supportive throughout the treatments etc but i have since ended our relationship as i dont feel i am a real girlfriend for him which has now left me feeling completely alone.

i dont really know where to go now to get the help i feel i need!

 

x

Thanks for replying, I know its not a subject that is easy to talk about but I don't care - dignity kind of disappears after so many people having seen your privates :-)  

I honestly do not know what I am going to do. I can't imagine my sex drive returning and my partner is so accepting. He can't win because I get annoyed that he accepts it and won't fight for me, but then get annoyed if he does try anything. My relationship is literally clinging on by a thread.....

The doctors don't appear interested in the psychological aspects, only the physical.

:-) 

Hey Cathryn,

I’m glad you’ve written this. I’ve not had sex with my partner since before diagnosis this time last year. I just feel completely traumatised at the thought of it.

At my 3 month check up, when I really wasn’t healed at all, my consultant kept asking why I wasn’t having sex. It was all she cared about when I couldn’t even stand or walk properly.

I have a book called The Cancer Survivor’s Companion which has a chapter on intimacy which I’m finding helpful to work through. I’d really recommend it.

My consultant refered my to phsycho-sexual therapy but the waiting list is over 2 years!

Best of luck with everything, I’m a firm believer that time is the best healer…so keep on keeping on. We’ll get there.

Xxx

Hi, it's really good that you posted because so many of us feel the same way. You are right that the longer it goes on the hasrder it gets and our partners can't do right for doing wrong. I just seem to be saying I'm sorry all the time and then he says it's OK but it's not.  I do nt have an answer but I understand completely x

Hi

It is a slight relief to know I'm not alonein feeling like this.  I haven't had sex with my husband in over 2 years, mainly as I have lost any libido I once had and also as I am petrified that it will cause the cancer to come back

My specialist keeps asking about sex and the dilators but it just makes me freeze up and sends me into panic mode.  She did suggest last time that I try a short term course of anti depressants to rebalance my brain and give me a boost.  

I really feel for my husband as he has had a rough time keeping things together and he is really missing the intimacy....whenever I tell him he should leave to be with someone else he always says that it is only me he wants so am feeling reassured that he stil lioves me despite putting up with my hormonal/menopausal outbursts :)  

The reassuring thing is that I have friends who say that they have a vvery inactive sex life too so in that respect I guess we aren't far off normality :) 

Best of luck to you al :) x

Hi everyone, this really is a very delicate subject because not only is it physical it is also mental, since I had my Radical Hysterectomy in February 2010 I have probably had intercourse about 15-20 times & it still hurts like crazy, I am 56 now & even before I had cancer I was having vaginal dryness & a bit of discomfort. Since the operation as so many of you have stated I too have lost my sex drive but I don't want to deprive my husband of regular sexual relations so I bite the bullet & go for it & because I know its gonna hurt i tense up & make it far worse & afterwards he feels terrible because he has hurt me, not a nice place to be, even he has declined sex on occasions because its such a  trauma most of the time. My GP prescribed some hormone replacement pessaries which helped a little but then seemed to loose their effect so I stopped using them because I couldn't be bothered with the performance of using them if they wern't going to help & after using various vaginal lubes which made it easier to insert but still didn't stop the pain I found "Replens" its a vaginal moisturiser which you use twice a week & I also use it just before sex, it does help & I have started to relax a bit so I think given a bit more time I may learn to maybe even enjoy things again, who knows?   Going back to 2010 a few month after the operation we just cuddled & did foreplay, sometime as you get older you forget about the basics, there is still a place for them in a relationship, even if you have been married for 20 years like me, it will help with intimacy & at least hubby will feel wanted & not left out in the cold. 

 

Hi, i know how you feel, since i was diagnosed last year, i just can't bring myself to touch my partner anymore, i even cringe at the thought of cuddles, kisses or touches, i feel physically sick, i didn't find out about my cancer until after i had a total hysterectomy in Nov 2013, i then had to have another operation 6weeks after hyst to remove lymph nodes, fatty tissue & vaginal cuff, incase it had spread...i was on yearly smears since 2008 when i was diagnosed with cervical cancer, had loop treatment done then, but every year every smear has been normal, my cancer went undetected all them years, im traumatised at what i've been through & now i've been told there is no cancer there, my body feels clean, it felt dirty when i had the cancer eaten away at me & i just don't want sex with my partner anymore, i don't even know if i still fancy him & he's been so good throughout my illness :(

I was given the 'go ahead' for sex again on 26/03/14, 6 weeks after radical trachelectomy So far I'v down it twice and it hurt and the last time, I couldn't go through with it and ended up in tears. I have tried lube but I just feel tense and stressed knowing it will hurt, I will probably bleed and I don't feel as though I have any sex drive. Like the rest of you said, I feel so guilty, I am having to say no or avoid cuddling or being touched. I don't know what to do, I have talked to my partner, I don't want to make a big deal or put too much pressure on situation but the lack of sex is making me feel depressed as i feel guilty and a rubbish gf. So in turn I feel more depressed. I am also on anti-depressant meds which don't exactly help. I just don't feel anything right now, I flinch when touched and because cancer is 'over' now i feel i am expected to be back to normal...

Hello there - it seems from the number of replies to the original post,  we are all singing from the same hymn sheet over this one!  I was diagnosed Oct 2012 and I think I've had intercourse maybe only 3 times since.  My husband is so scared of hurting me that he won't initiate things. I find it uncomfortable but not sore, I definitely  know my vagina has changed due to the treatments.  I despise the blubber that has become my pubic area due to the removal of lymph nodes & the build-up of fluid  in that  area. 

Another thing that I now struggle with is a very personal one. , if you're squeamish don't read on!  I'm sorry if this one is just too personal for some but it's starting to fry my head now.   How I contracted CC is preying on my mind.  If it's only through HPV (99.7% of cases) I don't understand how I got this.  I've been married 26 years, have only 'been' with my husband - ever - and I totally trust my husband, so how did I get the virus??  What's the 'medical' stance on this? does anyone here know.  I've no reason to believe  my husband has ever been unfaithful so - how???