Just reading through some of your posts and it inspired me to write this. I'm going to be quite blunt and to the point so I'm sorry if it gets graphic.....:-)
I have not had sex with my partner since I was diagnosed in 2011! I know the reason is simply that I am too scared. I'm not scared of the pain, I'm scared of bleeding! I know this is irrational, but if I leave it alone - I keep control and know that if I ever see bleeding, its a bad sign. Then longer it gets, the harder it is to try. My partner is so good and accepts this, even though he would obviously love to have the intimacy again. We hardly even cuddle or kiss as it always led to him trying to initiate something and then I would feel bad as I'd say no. I dont have a sex drive anymore but still get jealous when I hear friends talking about theirs. I sometimes resent my partner as he still has a sex drive and functions normally!
I haven't had support from anyone related to my post treatment care. I see my consultant for checks every 6 months but that's it.. I never had a CNS, or MacMillan nurse and was prescribed dilators by my consultant, but not what I was supposed to do or even check if I was using them.
My consultant did refer me to a sex therapist, but they discharged me after 1 visit as I knew my problem and what I should be doing.,,:-\.
I don't like the "woman" I am now - my body is so different and I hate seeing it. I know my partner still finds me attractive but that's not enough. I know its a selfish attitude but I cant help it.
I'm hoping I'm not the only person out there who feels like this? I read other people's posts about having a sex life and then I start feeling sorry for myself.....