Hi Jenni

Not sure if you are new but hi!

Unfortunately you are not alone in having horrid sexual experiences in the past - I was raped at 16 (Im now 43) and have to say that until my colposcopy appointment came through I would have said that I was "over" my rape. Having discovered that I have mild abnormal cells (not bad at all I know) and hgh risk HPV knocked me for six but finding out I was to have the colposcopy sent me over the edge.

I do understand how you must be feeling I really do. You asked about taking diazepam - well I was taking one at night for about two weeks before the colp then on the night before I took 3 (drs advice obviously) then that morning I took 2 about an hour before the procedure. I realise now that the tablets for me were a big mistake. I felt drunk and not able to string a sentence together. It also gave the whole experience a surreal feeling - I felt drugged in short and wish I hadnt actually taken them. That doesnt necessarliy mean that you'll feel the same but I would rather have been clear headed.

I probably watched the same youtube colposcopy that you did - it wasnt half as involved or painful looking as that but I didnt have any biopsies or treatment done just the tests. And for a short while I did look at the screen (for about 30 secs lol). The first part stung a little but in all honesty Ive had paper cuts that have hurt more lol!

I have decided that in light of how I behaved at my colposcopy ( I suffer with panic attacks and flash backs) that I am going to ask for a GA next time (ive got to go back in April) but Im glad in a way I tried - at least I know I tried.

I think counselling is a great idea. I had my first initial assessment on monday for rape counselling - it was great to have a safe place to talk and I really cant wait (sounds bizarre eh?) for my counselling to start. I would highly recommend you seek counselling - its an excellent idea.

Lastly you are NOT being ridiculous and you dont need to "man up" - be kind to yourself - its natural to be scared. My advice would be to talk to your GP about ALL your fears and see if you can solve them one by one. For example one of my fears was having a metal speculum so my dr gave me my own plastic one to take with me. Having said that I didnt use it cos the hospital only use plastic ones any way but it made me feel safe.

Take your partner or a close friend with you, listen to music if you want. Whatever makes you more relaxed.

If you want to PM me please feel free

thinking of you and hope all goes well monday

Lily xxx