Not sure if this is the right area to be posting in, but really just looking for a chat on moving forward.
It’s been almost 3 years since I had my Hysterectomy, and physically I’m back to fighting fit, usual check ups etc (although postponed a number of times due to the other dreaded C word, Covid), and mentally I think I’ve done pretty well on the recovery too.
What I’ve had a tough time with, on and off, is the inability to have kids. I was 32 when I had my hysterectomy, for what the doctors and MDT convinced me, was a reoccurance of my cc - that diagnosis turned out to be incorrect. You can imagine the residual frustration and anger there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy it wasn’t back, I know many of you lovely ladies have had to fight this awful disease more than once, but for me, to lose the ability to have kids, for what feels like nothing, is often hard to take.
I have moved on, I have recently been approved to be a respite foster carer. The process was long and emotional, but I’m almost at the point of meeting my first placement. I’m not sure why I’m writing here, I guess I know what prompted it. This week, a number of my friends have brought beautiful babies into the world. I am completely thrilled for them, I honestly couldn’t be happier, however, there is the tiny part of me, that I rarely speak about out loud, that has the pangs of jealousy I guess. The sadness of the crazy hoops I’ve had to jump through to get to this point in my foster journey, how hard it’s felt at times, and how it’ll never be me that has that first instant burst of love and pride at bringing my child into the world.
It’s not something I often talk about, but I guess it is a part of the journey. I just wondered if any of you warrior ladies ever feel the same? I sometimes feel really guilty that I do, because ultimately, I know I’m one of the lucky ones. I know that although I’ve lost that part of me, I’m here, I’m alive, I’m healthy and happy… I guess sometimes it just feels like something is missing, what could’ve been.
Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now. Hope you’re all doing well within your journeys