Hi everyone,
I’m new to this page. been having quite a tough year. I have been diagnosed with depression (which is something I have never suffered with and could honestly never imagine reaching a point in my life that I would!) and I suffer with anxiety which I have always managed well but not recently. I am in a very stressful job and keep gettin poorly, lumps and bumps here there and everywhere, have developed asthma and immunity at an all time low. I have an skin abcess on my bum and found 2 lumps one in my breast and one in my armpit which I have been assured at the breast care clinic are benign cysts (probably a result of stress). On the same day as my apt at breast care I also had smear (what are the chances I booked 1 and was given another on the same day!). I was very nervous about my smear test as I suffer with Vaginismus and have in the past had a horrendous smear test which left me even more traumatized at any sort of invasive procedure than I was before. I got an urgent letter saying ‘severe high-grade dyskaryosis’ and received an appointment scheduled for colposcopy. Phoned my doc to explain about my anxiety due to vaginismus, the recepetionist was so helpful and calmed me down and said the doctor would phone me back. The doctor didnt phone me back but just left me a huge prescription for diazepam. I dosed myself up and went up and went along convincing myself that I would not allow myself to be put through the treatment awake (as not to cause any more psycho-sexual damage re- vagismus) and that I would inevitably have to end up having LLETZ done under GA. The doctor was possibly the best I have ever come accross in my life (very patient, did breathing exercises with me, exercises/massage to relax my vaginal muscles) and managed to complete LLETZ under LA. They told me about 3 weeks for results- I know the chances of CC are so slim but I have been to my GP about 8 times this year because I am convinced something is not right with my body/health. I am 28, tained as a PE teacher, I exercise a lot (pole, aerial hoop, running, slack lining, climbing) and my diet is fantastic, I have never in my life looked after myself more but I feel poorly all the time and constantly feel run down. I used to think the GP though I was crazy/dramatic but I am very in tune with my body and I have known for some time something is not right. It sounds crazy to say I am somewhat relieved that something has been found and I am not completely mad!
I am really scared and anxious about a few things
-1 being that I will fall into the small percentage of people that have CC, I have had so many visits to the doc about various lumps/bumps, swollen glands, immunodeficiency etc that I would not be surprised if I do have Cancer.
2- I am finding it so hard to sleep and function that I have since been take some of the diazapem to help me calm down and get to sleep, I have very recently turned down doc’s advise for anti-depressants as I don’t believe drugs are the answer but have now slipped into taking some here and there.
3- The doc told me after LLETZ I have HPV. My understanding is that at low level the human body should fight this and at a higher level the treatment should remove the bad cells and kick start the body into defending itself so the best chances of beating virus is building up good immune system, which I do not have. I know immuno-deficiency is caused by stress, which I suffer with big time. I teach in a school for children with SEN and have been having a particularly hard time this year. I won’t go into the in’s and out’s on here but I am not coping with the level of emotional and physical challenges I am presented with on a daily basis and on top of this I take my work home planning in the evening. I have already decided to hand in my notice and make much needed life changes prior to any of this news, but the notice periods in teaching are quite long and I cannot now get out of my contract until April. I know all I need to do is look after myself and am considering asking the doctor to sign me off as I don’t feel I can continue until April without some sort of breakdown, I am already at breaking point. All I care about now is my health. I don’t want to work until April getting more and more stressed, and go back for my appointment in June to find out my body hasn’t beat the virus and there are more bad cells. Each time I have more invasive procedures my vaginismus gets worse and then that has knock on effects in my marriage.
4- I really do not want to go back to work immediately due to the physical nature of my job, lots of manual handling and physical interventions. I don’t want to risk my health for work.
5- I feel really crap that I have been training for a pole show (annual charity ball) for the last 8 months and I don’t know if I will be able do it (its this weekend, doc said maybe, see how I go, but it will only be 10 days since LLETZ and it is very physically demanding), I do not want to cause myself any bleeding or infection but I also do not want to let everyone else down.
Sorry for the really long post but feeling pretty low about all of this and don’t know what to do. People keep saying stay positive but its really hard to do that when you don’t feel positive. Although I can talk to my friends and family, I feel that they really do not know what I am going through physically, but also with the fear, anxiety and uncertaintly of future, it’s all getting on top of me abit!
Thanks for listening xx
