Just bluuuu

Treatment starts on Monday and this I'm fine with. 

However I'm struggling now that I have no horse to keep me busy. Today has been horrible,  just horrible. I have had my specialist nurses words running round in my head. Until yesterday I had a weekend away halfway through treatment to look forward to that has now gone down the pan, it wasn't anything extravagant but it was something to look towards. My social circle is going on that weekend away, including OH, and now the kids and i will be staying at home, feeling even more isolated .Everyone around me has something to look forward to and a hobby/interest to focus on and I'm feeling lost. Of course I'm lucky to have the kids .

I was warned that people's true colours would shine through during all this.......and oh how true!! Those you think you know suddenly change for the worse. For the first time today, on this roller coaster,  I have felt completely alone.  My OH ( who has been amazing) is struggling with the blubbing mess that today is me.

Please someone hit me with a big stick and knock the real me back to the front, I want this.me to do 1 along with the cc. 

Sorry for the rant and hope you are all doing okay xx

Aw Erin 

im not quite at the treatmemt stage but I can sympathise with how ur feeling. I had hols from work next two weeks and had so many wee days out planned, however given I don't know my stage/treatment yet so thought it was best to bank my hols so canceled them.  I know I'd be distracted but still it just shows how much it this changes ur life.

i don't know if my story here will make u smile but one of my friends was giving me all the anything u need chat and when I mentioned a day to meet she said she couldn't be because of her slimming club! I don't expect people's lives to stop because of my misfortune but the whole thing made me smile a bit!

i wish I could say something to make u smile but I think there is good days and awful ones and it sounds like u have had a awful one. 

im sorry I'm a bit useless but juSt wanted to reply so u know thoughts are with u. 



This is the real you. The you that has just had the biggest whammy thrown at you. No one instructs you how to deal with it. No one deals with it rightly or wrongly. Everyone just gets through it in their own way....so sorry I won't beat you with s big stick, I'll stick the kettle on, pull up a chair, and say 'tell me all about it' 

some of my friends were rubbish , some were amazing, you will never have the same relationships post Cancer but that can be a very positive thing even if it doesn't seem like it now. X

Thanks both of you for your replies. 

Kimmy, I have had that chat from a few friends.... only to text and ask if they fancy doing coffee and either be ignored or they are too busy. I understand that this is hard for others too and some genuinely have no idea how to react. I'm not expecting people to put their lives on hold while I go through this and I certainly do not  want their pity. I just want to be as normal ( whatever that is) as I can and today it's not happening. OH is out as we speak getting on with life.


365, I've come to accept that the other lying rights and wrongs in this process are decided by us, individually,  but that hasn't made it any easier.  Today had definitely been a hide under the duvet day and I'm so not used to it its knocked me for 6. 

There are a greatany people whom I will not be keeping in touch with once we are thought this. Again it's the surprise of who will be going that's got me,  but hey not here through the dark times and you don't get to share the light with me......

take care ladies and thank you for cheering me xx

My boyfriend was out last night, was happy and encouraged him to go out then had a wobble when I was alone with my thoughts and upset myself.

my emotions are so up and down, I ended up just buying a new dressing gown for the days I want a mope around so at least I'm doing it in comfort and style.  

i get some people don't know how to act or what to say but equally it has made me take stock of who is important to me and who I choose to spend time with. 

I really hope u feel better and as I said I've felt the same I think it's natural to feel left out and a bit alone.  I got asked by a colleague if I was applying for promotion soon and was nearly in tears thinking I won't be anytime soon, equally I'm now a desk cat at an outdoor job and every time my colleagues head out I feel so low. 

I hope ur weekend perks up, please give me a shout if u like.



I have told my OH not to give up his hobby, if he is to help me through this then he needs his space. I hate that I sound bitter and selfish when I complain, that's not how I intend to come across. I just miss being part of my thing. 

I'm hoping that some of this huge down is because of Monday.  Much as I want to get on with it, it's the unknown again. I too bought a huge cuddly dressing gown to snuggle in..... me being me it hasn't helped, I need to get up dressed and get on. 

I have caught my boss and a colleague ( both also friends??) discussing me and my situation. What made it worse was the fact they were doing it in front of my children and looked shocked when I returned and told them to carry on and not to mind me .

I hope you don't have too many low days, and that if you do,  you will shout so I can return the favour. Just venting on  here this evening had made such a difference, thank you again for that.  It's so much easier when you don't have to explain every little detail.

enjoy your weekend and keep positive 

Erin x


Aww Erin!

I've been much more "blue" today than normal. I had a copy of the letter through that explains everything and it hit me hard. Also totally freaking out about percentages of outcomes etc.

I'm sorry your friends aren't being great...I know it's hard for otber people but they need to get over it. I have had interesting reactions and no communication from a best friend. Interesting. How awful of your boss and colleagues! In front of your children! What do you do?

Could you take up a new hobby? I'm sorry you have had to give up your horse. I hope you can take it up again.

Kimmy, you can go for that promotion! I did and I got it. Who knows what will happen it cc is not getting my life.

Sending virtual hugs and wine! X

Hi Erin,

So sorry you are feeling so blue :-( People can be real shits, so many of them have no idea about just being normal with you or actually taking some time out of their petty little schedules to spend some of it with you. You should find that you meet some lovely new people when treatment begins. Likely they too will have found out who is and who isn't their best friends and will be just as ready as you to make some new friends who do understand :-)

Kimmy :-) That's great about the dressing gown! Just love it!

Lots of love to all of you

Thanks ladies, 

Today is not so bad.  The mood has lifted and the air been cleared ( for now at least).  I can relate to the percentages thing, the brain wanted answers so I Googled ...big mistake.!! Having said that , my cns has had my head in a spin with something she said, in all her years in the job, ( some 25 +) that she had only known 2 cases with no response to treatment. Not bad really until the brain said what if your number ??.... not the best way to be thinking. 

Sweet pea,  I work on a care farm for adults with learning difficulties and physical disabilities.  I'm struggling to find something new that gets me out and about as I have a baby and now with treatment starting too it's not easy. 

Tivoli, transfusion day saw me meeting a lovely lady in for chemo. Sadly my treatment is not in the same unit as hers and unless our paths cross in the radiotherapy unit, we shan't meet again. I'm hoping that I shall replace those who can't be bothered with some more worthy in so many ways 

Happy thoughts and hugs to you all xx