I want my old self back

Cervical screening results
1

hi all,

 

i have been been reading through the forums since receiving the dreaded letter telling me that I have HPV and severe (moderate) dyskariosis. I went to the hospital on Thursday for colposcopy and Lletz procedure. Since then I have had minimal bleeding but instead have had a watery like discharge with a slight smell that reminds me of a sort of metally smell. It hasn’t got any worse so am hoping it isn’t an infection.

 

what I am struggling with more is my state of mind- I keep having flashbacks to the procedure- the needle for the anaesthetic in particular. I also fainted after the procedure out in the corridor which I keep re-living. I feel hugely emotional, very tearful and incredibly tired. I haven’t yet even been back to work as I am worried about how I will be when I am there.

 

i am a worrier by nature and this seems to have hit all the buttons for me in terms of anxiety and stress. At the moment I don’t feel like I can come out from under the cloud as I am so worried about the results and the thoughts of what they might say. There is a lot of material on the procedure out there but not much on what happens next...I feel very lonely at the moment even though I have good people round me I am finding it hard to explain how I feel.

 

sorry for the ramble just wanted to get this off my chest!

 

normal smears: from age 17-37

abnormal smear with +ve HPV and severe dyskariosis

colposcopy and lletz procedure completed awaiting results 

2

It’s ok lovely youre not alone I felt/feel exactly the same. I found it extremely traumatic and violating and am so petrified of having to do it all again I have decided to request a hysterectomy if the time comes for staying in this cycle of wonky smears and colposcopy’s.

 

cant take it all away for you but just know it’s not just you, you’re not alone x

3

Hi Nic, came here and made an account partly to say just this! 

My LLETZ was last Tuesday and I'd been 'okay' since then - pain went that evening, back to work the next day, just passing some gunky orange/brown stuff which I think is the stuff they put on to help with healing ...

But I think I just overdid it by throwing myself back into work and things, the only thing I did differently was stop cycling, because on Saturday morning I just COULD NOT STOP CRYING. I think I hadn't acknowledged the stress of the whole situation: it had been over 3 months since the abnormal smear, waiting all that time, the indignity of the procedure (despite the very very nice nurses), the pain, the worry, the 'wow turns out I might not be immortal' realisation, the pause its put on my life (booking holidays, stopped TTC....) .......  So something else really trivial set me off weeping and I just cried and cried for an hour before I realised that actually this was probably some kind of delayed reaction to all that. I was also just totally knackered - I should have booked the next day off work and looked after myself better. So all weekend I just slept and sat around, and have been giving myself easier working days (lucky that I could this week), and feel much better now. 

I have had therapy in the past for residual issues following vulval pain syndromes, and this is bringing all that back too. So I am thinking of booking in a top-up therapy session just to stave off any of that returning. If you can afford a few sessions with a counsellor (or - you never know - get access through the NHS) I'd really recommend it, especially if you find that worry impacts your life generally (you may have seen someone already).  

In the meantime I've been POURING with that watering discharge day and night, and now started bleeding, so who knows what that is. Trying not to do too much googling, but this forum is really good for feeling less alone. I have also been talking to as many women IRL as possible about this, partly because EVERYONE knows someone who's had it and has a story, and partly because in my area the take-up for smears is really low and I think it's so important. In a way, the whole thing has been really reassuring - I often worry that I'm unknowingly dying from symptom-free cancer, and knowing that I almost certainly don't have at least one kind of cancer is quite nice! That's my positive from all this!

But anyway, just wanted to write all this to say you're not alone and I think feeling sad and worried and tired is a totally normal reaction to this whole thing. Use the opportunity to catch up on telly, play computer games, read some books, whatever makes you feel comfortable (I'd usually have baths, but....!) ....and don't push yourself with work until you're ready as everyone is different. Hope you're feeling brighter soon. Lots of hugs xxxx

 

PS Sorry this post is TOO LONG

4

Thank you so much for your words -they really do mean a lot to me ! I have decided to try and go back to work today and see how i go- am Not going to lie I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have some kind of breakdown but unless I try I won’t know if i can get through the day! 

5

Good luck Nic xx

6

Hello ladies,

 

I just wanted to be another person to say Im in the same boat as you! It's 6 weeks tomorrow since my LLETZ and the wait is driving me insane. I rang colposcopy for an update earlier today and they said they have just heard back from the lab so my letter should be with me within a week, so now im even more anxious.

 

I completely agree with every single thing both of you have said. I haven't been able to keep my normal life going, and I feel like people around me dont understand why. I organised a talk for the other night with 2 pretty important speakers - and I got the wrong date, so they turned up to no audience and no me. I feel like my life is crumbling apart and I am holding it together by the very seams. 

 

I spent the first 5 weeks beating myself up for getting down with it and for not getting on, but last week I turned a corner and just suddenly accepted what was happening. This is crap, and I forgive myself for messing things up and not being myself at the moment. You're allowed time to be sad, and obviously it's good to try and distract yourself and keep busy, but also give yourself time to process all the information that has been thrown at you recently. It's so much to take in. Whenever you feel you need a break, take that break and give your mind and body that time that it so desperately needs to recover, not only physically but mentally. It is shocking news, and it is a violating experience, and then you have discharge and blood and restrictions to live by for the next 4 weeks as a nice little reminder of it every time you stand up or go to the bathroom... 

 

I don't really know what i am adding to this, other than that you absolutely aren't alone. This is a great place and I am so grateful for it and for all of you. Just drop a message on here when you're feeling low and more likely than not, someone will have some lovely reassuring words for you, or be here to feel sad with you. Hugs x

7

Oh god yes I am waiting for the day when I realise what exactly I’ve effed up in the last week in my total mental fog - it’ll come! Glad I realised I was pushing myself too hard. Still at work but trying to really hard to take steps to feel on top of things and do things slower and more rationally. 2 speakers on the wrong date is classic - hope the fallout wasn’t too bad! 

What I think is quite unfair about the whole situation is you can’t do lots of the things that might usually give you comfort or be good for your mental health - baths, exercise, intimacy. (My partner is very excited for me to be better as we’re going to start trying for a baby after all this, but right now just the thought of someone involved down there makes me feel ill!) 

Do like this forum and website- planning  to do some fundraising for them after this is all done.  

8

Hey, 

 

I also suffer anxiety, pretty badly. It's important that you get your mental health checked, as well as physical. I have a loved one who was very ill earlier this year with anxiety and so am very conscious of it as I've seen what letting it go on can do to a person. 

 

It sounds like you need someone to talk to, and help rationalise your thinking- perhaps. 

I contacted my doctor, but you can also call 111- to ask for advice in NHS mental health services in your area. I contacted Health in Mind (sussex) who gave me a call 4 days later to discuss all my worries (cervical health and biopsy results being a biggy) who helped me rationalise my thoughts and they recommend a further action plan, which CBT for anxiety seems pretty affective, but not for everyone. It may even help for any other triggers xxx

 

Best of luck xxxx

9

Hi my 6 month check came back normal cells but positive for hpv omg im soooo scared im 40 and its taking over my life , i worry about leaving my babies ,i cant sleep , eat crying all the time