I have upset my son


I was diagnosed on 9 November with early stage cc and decided againt telling my 14 year old and 20 year old as the oldest one is studying in London, until I knew what I was dealing with.

When I got the results of the scan and was booked in for a cone biopsy (to establish whether a standard or radical hysterectomy will be carried out) I decided to tell them as too many friends knew and I was worried the younger one would find out.

Being a mum and wanting to protect them I really did play everything down. Don’t get me wrong everything is looking very positive but I never let them see me have a wobble so they were unaware of what I had been through waiting for that scan result.

I come from Scotland and wanted to make the 300 mile trip to see my family and wanted my boys with me. Anyway the other day the eldest said he didn’t want to come and wanted to stay with his girlfriend. I have sobbed on and off for three days and feel so hurt. His dad and I are divorced and I never make demands of them and on this one occasion I wanted to be with all the people I care about at the same time having realised that things could have been very different. Having spoken to him again he said I had played everything down and I sounded fine so he didn’t realise it meant so much to me as I often go up on my own he didn’t see the problem.

I have now spoken to him on the phone and cried so I have upset him and he is adamant he is going and now I feel bad. I know I am on an emotional roller coaster and it probably is expecting a lot of a 20 year old male to understand
but I feel guilty now which isn’t great.

Don’t know what I am asking here other than looking for reassurance than I am not selfish.

Siobhan x

Hi Siobhan :-)

No, you are not selfish. It is very difficult for a 20-year old to understand a parent. At 20 one thinks one is grown-up and can make well-informed adult decisions but most of them are really still just big kids. He was probably feeling very grown-up being able to tell his mum he was opting out in favour of his girlfriend. It's probably all quite new and exciting for him to be able to do that.

It was very thoughtful of you to play down your own illness to save them from worrying before you knew exactly what you were dealing with, and wise too. It wouldn't have made it any easier for you to remain calm if you were surrounded by other people's anxieties as well.

When you say your oldest is 'adamant he is going' I understand that to mean that he is adamant that he will join you on your trip to Scotland? Good! That is as it should be. It will be great for you to be surrounded by all the people you love just before Christmas and just before you have a big operation.

You have no need to feel guilty, you haven't forced him you have simply opened his eyes to how others are feeling and that is a necessary part of growing up.

Have a great trip!
Be lucky :-)

Thanks Tivoli for your wise words. You would think it would have made me happy that he was coming but it didn't as I still felt guilty and also I wanted him to come because he wanted to not becaused he felt  forced into it. Friends have told me they would also be upset but would anticipate  their sons would do the same as ultimately boys of that age are selfish. His 14 year old brother told him he was selfish but give him a few years and he may be the same!

So I am having Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my kids then going to Scotland to see my family and with the money I have saved on hotels and transport etc etc  I am going on a cruise with my sister when this is all over :o)

Siobhan x