Hyper-aware/sensitive of my body

Hi all

New here and first time poster. A few weeks ago I recieved results that I am HPV18+ with endocervical adenocarcinoma in situ (AIS) found on two biopsies of my cervix. I am waiting for a LEEP in June to figure out what happens next, if it is actually in situ or not, and what my treatment is. I have two children and am done with childbearing, so I'm not worried about the hysterectomy I need to have. 

Right now, the waiting is driving me crazy. Mostly, I am finding that I am so hyper aware and hyper sensitive about my body right now. I am so overly aware of how my body is feelings, and everthing (of course) points to "THIS IS CANCER."

Every ache below my belly button (I swear my cervix/uterus is cramping more than normal). Every drop of pee that smells maybe a little stronger (can't be the coffee, it's definitely spread to my bladder). Every time my back aches (not my desk-sitting posture - definitely cancer). Every bit of being just a little more tired than I should be (couldn't be my full-time job and lack-of-sleep due to this paranoia). 

Everything that would have been explained away as something simple (bad posture, oncoming period, not drinking enough water, not sleeping well)... now it's "HOW-DID-YOU-POSSIBLY-MISS-THESE-SYMPTOMS-YOU-IDIOT?!" 

The worst part of it all is feeling like I can't talk about it. I don't want to make my family more worried than they already are. I don't want to wear out my sympathy. I don't want to be a burden. I'M already sick of hearing me talk about it, and it's my body. 

I know I'm not the only one. I know I can't possibly be the only person who has been dragged under by this wait (and weight). How did you get through?

Hi lovely,

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the uncertainty surrounding everything right now. 

 

I hear you. The waiting is torturous. I'm currently on my second lot of antibiotics after my second LLETZ and experiencing lots of pain possibly due to the antibiotics, possibly due to still recovering from the LLETZ, but I can't help but think it's the cancer spread to my bowel and bladder, uterus and ovaries.

 

Have you been assigned a macmillan nurse? I find talking to mine really helps. Xx

HI Lemon Lavendar

I read your full experience yesterday. I'm so sorry you had such a horrid experience with the LEETZ (and now TWICE). I truly hope you feel better soon and get some better news.

I'm actually in the US (I realize I'm in the wrong spot, but I couldn't find an equivilent forum for the US), so I'm on a totally different system. No MacMillan nurse - but a really great gynecologist and Women's Center so far. I'm sure I'll be turning to them more after my LEEP (LEETZ).  I'm glad to have found this community, though - it's been hard feeling like people either underestimate what this could mean (you're probably FINE) or that they're getting sick of hearing me say the same things over and over. 

Wherever you are in the world, you are very welcome here ?

 

I thought you might be from the USA as you said LEEP, but I didn't want to assume. I'm so pleased you have the women's centre and a great gynae.

 

My macmillan nurse keeps encouraging me to go to our local Cancer centre. It is a charity and has various therapies and support groups and a counselling service, but taking that step on my own or even with my fiancé feels so scary. Xx

Lemon Lavendar,

I hope you can come around to taking advantage of what is offered through your nurse - I'd imagine a support group of some sort might really help. I know that not feeling like I can really complain (stiff upper lip, if you will) makes me just feel absolutely alone. 

My boyfriend and I are going away on a romantic getaway next weekend, and I suspect there's a marriage proposal in the works. It's so incredibly... selfish? maybe?... to feel like "I don't get this big exciting engagment period because everyone is too worried about me possibly having cancer." or "everyone's going to think he's proposed because he thinks I may DIE soon"... I know this is 100% me and my worries, but it's such an ugly cloud to have hanging over my head. 

Not selfish at all.

 

Do you feel like you could make some subtle hints that would let him know that now isn't the right time to propose? But that you look forward to a time when this is all behind you and you can fully embrace the experience and excitement? 

 

I was meant to be getting married but covid put it on hold. I'm so grateful as I didn't want our wedding to be clouded with all of this uncertainty hanging over us.

Xx