Husband feels guilty - how can I manage?

Hello lovelies,

This is a conversation I've waited some time to discuss. I have tried therapy and I decided to go directly to the gals who have encourted a similar journey.

I have been with my husband for 18 years, we met early in college. I was a virgin when we started dating and he had enjoyed an active sex life prior to me.

2.5 years ago, I was diagnosed with CIN3 - all is well now, except for periodic bleeding and pain during sex. The emotional impact of my diagnosis remains. Naturally I had a small amount of resentment towards him, but this quickly passed as he has always been a wonderful man to me and I could never resent him for his past.  My husband feels guilty for passing on the HPV that caused my diagnosis, and on/off he has appeared withdrawn and unable to connect with me. He is even afraid of having sex as he worries he could keep getting me sick. We fight because of this because I feel alone, and he has even said that he wishes I had had lots of sex before him so he wouldn't carry this burden. I understand his pain, but why should this all be about him? I am the one who had to endure this journey the most. I had a nervous breakdown one year after my treatment and I felt he could never really be there for me as he was too preoccupied with it being his fault.

All of this has been the first real crisis in our relationship and somedays (like today) I just don't know how to cope.

Any advice? What can I do to make this better? Hugs to you all!

What an emotionally sad situation for you to be in. The fact that it is really bothering him obviously shows her really cares about you, but perhaps he's not showing this in the right way.

His only job at the moment is to support you. This is not about him. It's very rare to find a partner (particularly male) who hasn't had other partners, so if it hadn't been him it would have been someone else, it doesn't mean he is a terrible person. He needs to come to terms with this before he can support you.

I'm extremely lucky that my partner has been 100% supportive since I got diagnosed, it's unlikely it was him that gave it to me because we have only been together a year and a half, but it is still possible. Regardless I don't know, and don't want to know if it was him, to me it doesn't matter because if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Possibly a one night stand who doesn't care about what I'm going through, or even stuck around to even know what I'm going through. I'm still good friends with my ex-boyfriends and the thought hasn't even crossed my mind to be annoyed or angry with them, as how can they possibly have ever known?

He should try to look at the positive side that at least he is around to be able to support you.18 years is a good base to be supportive about something like this. We try make a lot of jokes about what is happening and try not to take the situation too seriously if that helps at all? Maybe try to make light of it rather than arguing. 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this and am sending you big virtual hugs xxx