I’m brand new to the board, just signed up today.
I have uterine didelphys – two perfectly formed ovaries, fallopian tubes, and then two uterus’ (uteri? uteruses?), two cervix’s (lucky me, right?), and a vaginal septum.
So, each colpo, they have to take a sample from each cervix (delightful).
I’ve had a LEEP procedure, and continuing colposcopies. The colpo before my LEEP, my everything down there tightened up and the process was excruciating! They even put me under for the LEEP to help with all the clamping, as no amount of slow, steady breathing would help.
Now, since my first colpo (two-ish years ago), sex has been painful. Now I just don’t get in the mod. At all. I’ve tried ‘going with the flow’ in hopes that once the proverbial ball was rolling, it’d be okay. Nope, just extremely painful. I’ve read self-help books, naughty stories (trying to help with the no-drive), everything I can think of to no avail.
This has lead to several fights with my boyfriend of three years. He says he doesn’t feel loved when we’re not physical, which of course makes me emotional and guilty. I’ve told him that it’s not my fault, that I’ve tried (I’ve literally just tried to grin and bear it, which lead to crying, which isn’t sexy).
Most recently we got into a fight because I didn’t celebrate “Steak and a BJ Day”. I celebrate valentine’s day. I got him gifts and thought I was being romantic- but apparently it didn’t count. I don’t like Steak and a BJ day to begin with. (Yay! Let’s continue to feminize romance and reduce masculinity to emotionless, primal simplicity![sarcasm]). So we had a fight just before bed last night.
Now I feel guilty. He paws at me, and I’m not feelin’ it, so I shoot him down as gently as I can. And then I feel guilty. And then I get mad that I feel guilty, because I shouldn’t have to. I’m not obligated in any way to perform physical acts, and obligation isn’t sexy anyways.
But I feel like a broken record and just don’t know how to handle it. He swings from begrudgingly accepting to frustrated (and I definitely get his frustration).
I don’t want to break up with him. We live together and have been building a life together. I don’t want him to leave me for something so callous. Yeah, I know, if he leaves because of that it’s his own fault, but still…. What do I do?