Huge Fights - Scared

Relationships
1

Hello everyone,

I’m brand new to the board, just signed up today.

I have uterine didelphys – two perfectly formed ovaries, fallopian tubes, and then two uterus’ (uteri? uteruses?), two cervix’s (lucky me, right?), and a vaginal septum.

So, each colpo, they have to take a sample from each cervix (delightful).

I’ve had a LEEP procedure, and continuing colposcopies. The colpo before my LEEP, my everything down there tightened up and the process was excruciating! They even put me under for the LEEP to help with all the clamping, as no amount of slow, steady breathing would help.

Now, since my first colpo (two-ish years ago), sex has been painful. Now I just don’t get in the mod. At all. I’ve tried ‘going with the flow’ in hopes that once the proverbial ball was rolling, it’d be okay. Nope, just extremely painful. I’ve read self-help books, naughty stories (trying to help with the no-drive), everything I can think of to no avail.

This has lead to several fights with my boyfriend of three years. He says he doesn’t feel loved when we’re not physical, which of course makes me emotional and guilty. I’ve told him that it’s not my fault, that I’ve tried (I’ve literally just tried to grin and bear it, which lead to crying, which isn’t sexy).

Most recently we got into a fight because I didn’t celebrate “Steak and a BJ Day”. I celebrate valentine’s day. I got him gifts and thought I was being romantic- but apparently it didn’t count. I don’t like Steak and a BJ day to begin with. (Yay! Let’s continue to feminize romance and reduce masculinity to emotionless, primal simplicity![sarcasm]). So we had a fight just before bed last night.

Now I feel guilty. He paws at me, and I’m not feelin’ it, so I shoot him down as gently as I can. And then I feel guilty. And then I get mad that I feel guilty, because I shouldn’t have to. I’m not obligated in any way to perform physical acts, and obligation isn’t sexy anyways.

But I feel like a broken record and just don’t know how to handle it. He swings from begrudgingly accepting to frustrated (and I definitely get his frustration).

I don’t want to break up with him. We live together and have been building a life together. I don’t want him to leave me for something so callous. Yeah, I know, if he leaves because of that it’s his own fault, but still…. What do I do?

 

 

2

Hello sweetheart,

Wow I really feel for you. Like you I have not a shred of sex-drive remaining and live in a sexless relationship. However, we are, I believe, a lot older than you and so Spouseman has sort of reluctantly resigned himself to his fate. Can you get any psycho-sexual counselling or therapy where you are?

I have never in my life heard of 'Steak & a BJ' Day but am finding it difficult to imagine anything more demeaning. That is the sort of thing that would turn me right off even if I did have a single shred of sex-drive remaining. It's awful that we end up feeling guilty when it isn't our fault, it happens to a huge number of us. Maybe counselling can help with the feelings of guilt even if it can't bring back the libido, I just don't know I'm sorry to say.

I hope he's good enough to stand beside you through all of this, but if he isn't, then it's sad but it isn't right. You cannot live your life feeling bullied into sex you don't enjoy.

Be lucky

Tivoli

xxxxx

3

Thank you for your reply Tivoli, and for your kindness!

I have a free counseling service with my employer over the phone, but unfortunately the people who work the line aren't familiar with this sort of thing. I explained the medical circumstances to the lady I spoke with, and told her of the LEEP procedure and how it’s supposed to remove unhealthy cells. She said that I should focus on the fact that these cells have been removed and that I’m healthy. Needless to say, I was practically inconsolable when her good-hearted attempt to comfort was so misguided that it caused me such grief.

I’ve asked my doctor to refer me to a therapist, perhaps, who may have some experience with this. I still haven’t heard anything about it (our healthcare system in Canada is a tad slow, but I’m pretty certain my request fell on deaf ears).

My boyfriend seems to feel guilty after these big fights, usually the day after or the next he’s sweet as pie, trying to make up for his behavior, I think. When we fight I try to acknowledge that it’s difficult for him and explain why it’s difficult for me, but the conversation ends up heated and hurtful towards me, so I get emotional and then it’s just awful from there.

 

I just wish that I could confront the situation when it happens in a way that doesn’t degrade either of us.

4

Hi again :-)

I had a feeling you were on the West of the Atlantic ;-) I'm sorry I have no idea what facilities you have there, though I would expect there must be some pretty good counselling. I honestly believe that you need some proper face-to-face counselling as opposed to a telephone helpline. Can you go back to your doctor and insist that you are referred to a service like that?

Really hoping that you get some help with this.

xxxxx

Tivoli

5

Ladies since my hysterectomy I have a catheter and so sex has been a no go for me for a long time. I couldn't bear my husband to be anywhere near tubes and bags. I have changed so much down there I am scared what I will find! I'm sure my holes have all closed up and I only go there to make sure I am clean. I have not had any internals or examinations since my hysterectomy unless I am unconscious for a maintenance procedure. Anyway......I digress. What I wanted to say was that I please my husband (sorry for the wrong words) in other ways. I have no feelings for it, but I love him so much and he is so amazing how he looks after me. He is devastated he can do nothing for me (a cuddle is all I want) but that's how we have found a way forward. It's not often but it seems to be enough for now. It makes him feel loved and he understands not to go below my waist. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, it's just finding a level of intimacy that keeps you together as a couple rather than friends. 

6

Hello Lovely

One of the things they give you after you have radiotherapy is a set of dilators.  These are (for want of a better way of putting it) some medical dildo-esk bit of equipment to use to re-train your vagina after raditherapy.  Radio can 'close-up and shorten' the area and they start off with a very small size and work up to a 4th size.  Im currently on size 3.  It may be worth asking your hospital (or looking them up on the internet) for a set so you can start to use them on yourself.  The idea is not for sexual pleasure but to get your body used to the sensation and size of something going 'up there'.  The reason I say this is that this is obviously a very personal and private thing for you and your confidence has been knocked.  If you use them by yourself and are comfortable you can move up a size and eventionally you shouldnt feel the pain or have any bleeding as your body will have adjusted.  Once this has happened you may feel in a better position to try again with your partner and put the fun back into it!

7
  1. I am sorry you both are fighting. I had same problem. He needs the release and I needed the cuddle. So one day I bought a bottle of lotion and we cuddled together and told each other stories. He got release and we got to spend some quality time together. I'm all about cuddling now instead. We both were happy. I know it doesn't replace the real thing but might soften the blow for you both. Wishing you all the best.