How am I supposed to feel?


I have been diagnosed with 1A1 cc and am booked for a hysterectomy on the 21st of July. The tiny bit of cancer they found was removed during the biopsy and there are clear margins. I am having my hysterectomy because I have other gyn issues and have had 2 previous CIN3. 

I am a bit frustrated that there seems to be an expectation that I should feel a certain way. Some of my close friends and family don't think I have processed it all and that at some point it will all come crashing down on me. The truth is I feel very lucky. My GP saw something she wasn't happy with during my smear and referred me straightaway. My husband has medical insurance and so I was seen very quickly. I landed lucky with my consultant too as he is a senior gyn oncologist and was able to see me and take a biopsy during the appointment. The consultant was recommending I consider a hysterectomy any way because of the other issues and the number of treatments to my cervix. So although the results took an age to come in once I had the news I was felt very calm. 

It is gone, there is no evidence of spread, I am being seen and treated very quickly and I never need to worry about it again. I am not sure what people expect of me?


First of all I am really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. 

I can't speak for anyone myself but myself but I also found myself wondering how I 'should' be processing the news but I have come to realise that there are no absolutes and there is no 'should.' Sometimes friends and family offer advice or hold expectations on how we should be dealing. Some of this advice/ expectations may seem to match up with your own thought processes and sometimes it won't. 

Everyone is different in how they process things, and how you will process the information and your subsequent treatment may change over time. Or it may not. What I had to learn was to not be so hard on myself for not matching up with society/ family/ friends/ my own preconceived ideas of how I would cope and just go with it. 

I was diagnosed 1B1 and at times I felt fine. Like really lucky levels of fine. Then I sobbed in the shower because I was devastated. Last week I cried because a couple of my friends got engaged because I got engaged and two days later was diagnosed. I sobbed that they will get engagement parties and gifts and I got MRI scans and operations. Then I was fine. I started writing a blog about how ok I was with it all and insisted to myself that I would always remain positive and that I was so lucky. Then I told a friend to fuck off because she told me to be positive and that I was lucky.... 

You can only process things in the way that works for you. If you feel a certain way (whatever that is) then just go for it. This is a long winded way of saying you do you. As that's the only you can do!

Wishing you well! 

Hi Hun. You can feel whatever you want to feel. It's you going through it. There's no right/wrong way! I hate it when my friends say "you don't look like you have cancer" and then after my operation "you look great, you don't look like you've had an operation" I feel like wearing a big sticker and saying "I have cancer"!!!! Theres days when i feel great and then sometimes i just have a little cry. Mainly when I'm on my own as I don't want my boy to see me crying xxxc Good luck for your operation

Thank you both so much. 

It is all a bit odd for me.  I am genuinely neither up nor down with it. I hope you are both doing well. 

Tigger82, I feel exactly the same as you. My friends and family are worried/concerned etc about it and I just feel 'at peace' with it and just want the operation over with. I feel very lucky that it was found quickly and the team of medical professionals who have dealt with my case so far have been nothing short of amazing. I find myself wondering if there's something wrong with me for not feeling horrendous about it all, I almost don't feel anything at all about it if that makes sense? I too am staged at 1a1 and, while they are pretty sure they had clear margins for that, I also have adenacarcinoma in situ and severe CIN, CIN1 and CGIN which they are not 100% sure they have completely removed so, I too am having a hysterectomy. Are you in the U.K.? If so, may I ask (I hope you don't mind) how you found going private for your treatment? My partner and I have medical insurance so we are considering going down that route too but, having never done so before I have no idea how straightforward (or not) it is. I know my comment isn't all that helpful and probably contains a lot of waffling but what I'm trying to say is you're not alone in the way you're feeling as I am exactly the same.