Having a freak out today

I should receive the results of my biopsy tomorrow (it was only done on Monday and is being fast tracked!) the consultant is sure it's cancer. 
I am having a complete panic about symptoms that could have been there for so many years! 
I have missed smear tests for a long time (last one was 11 years ago!!)- so no idea how long it could have been there. 

I had twins in 2014 so I am hopeful if it was there then, it would have been picked up? I had untrasounds weekly whilst pregnant- does anyone have any idea if this would have gone unnoticed? I also had them naturally so I'm sure someone would have seen major abnormalities on my cervix? 
I have also suffered for many many years with what I thought was sciatica. I've never sought medical help with it as just got on with it. Then at the beginning of this year, I went to the doctors about pins and needles in my hands and feet- they put it down to my anemia... no blood taken just more iron tablets. 

I am having such a panic thinking that this could all be connected, and have completely convinced myself that it's going to be everywhere when I finally get to scan stage. 

My final symptom and reason for actually booking a so overdue smear was irregular bleeding. Other than that, I have felt completely well in myself! No weight loss or anything like that.

I am now completely convinced that I can feel a lump in my back- can't stop negative thoughts.

Completely petrified 


It is only natural to dwell on what you could have/ should have/ might of done. I was exactly the same. Like you I didn't attend my smears. Not through embarrassment but life and how busy I was, how pregnant I was blar blar blar...think my smear was more 15 years out of date. Thinking back I too wished I had kept up to date, gone to the doctors a second time when I had an odd smelling discharge when my son was 1 Yr old (he's now 9). While I was waiting for my biopsies and then my mri/pet ct scan I was worried sick. Thinking the worst. I self diagnosed 4b.

The day I got my staging i celebrated that it wasn't as bad as it could be as I was first diagnosed with 2a...but after pet it was found in lymph nodes so restaged at 3c.

It will never be as bad as you are thinking it is. Never. It is curable. I can't believe I'm saying this 11 weeks out of treatment as I too was like you. Please try and stay calm. We are here for you. 

Thank you Harvitt- wish I could be as positive as you seem! I can't stand the waiting- I have this awful burning stinging pain in my back- which has only been there for just over a week- but it won't go away, and every time I feel it (pretty much all of the time!) it fills me with dread that it's spread! I know that this is a new symptom, but it is so painful, and so odd that I can't not think it related! Just terrified, like you, I have self diagnosed at stage 4. 

I hope that I am wrong- I'm just so anxious. 
well done you for getting through treatment, i really hope it wasn't too bad- and it's all gone for good!! 

Fingers crossed I can find some positivity somewhere, just so difficult when you have completely convinced yourself it's doom and gloom. 

Thank you for reaching out- I spend most of my day on here reading through all of the forums, it's like an obsession but really helps! 

Charlotte x

hi Charlotte 

Just to echo what Harvitt has already said really, I read everything on Google and the forums while waiting for my scans, I had 2 longterm issues which I had convinced myself were metastatic cancer (they weren't), and in the week of my diagnosis I suddenly got a terrible backache which of course I decided meant it was also in my kidneys (it wasn't). I think the stress and tension of the situation brought on muscle tension and cramping in my back.

I dont mean to play down the concerns you have, but rather to say it is natural for the brain to "prepare for the worst" and become hypervigilant of every ache and twinge. Check my username - this gives you an idea of how terrified I was at the time of joining Jo's. Try not to get ahead of yourself and just cross each little bridge one at a time. We are here to support you xXx

Thank you- needed to hear that someone had experienced similar and it wasn't sinister!! 
I am convinced that I can feel a ball in my back! It burns and tingles- definitely worse when I am feeling more anxious, and sadly, no pain relief is working at all! 
hopefully it's just stress- I've never felt such sheer panic- it's so horrible! 
Sadly I have convinced myself that it is going to be terrible, I have a few minutes a day where I allow myself to have a little hope- than BAM- brain says no- this has been growing for years and it's going to be terrible! 
I think a lot of it may be guilt for missing so many smear tests!? It wasn't even intentional, just one of those things I put to the side to action 'later' 

11 years later... here I am, thinking it's had 11 whole years to grow and spread! (I did have twins in 2014 so am hoping it's 6 years minimum) 

I am usually the most optimistic, full of life character- this has knocked me for six, and that part of me can't seem to come through at all! 
Can I ask- what was your back pain like? 

Thank you so much for reaching out- I really need it!! 

so pleased that it is going well for you- long may that continue!! Xx

for what it is worth, I was many years overdue on my smears too but my surgeon said my tumour would have been growing for no longer than 2yrs, and possibly as little as 6mth. 

There are plenty of women who aren't up to date with their smears who don't get cancer, and others who are up to date and do. Its nobody's fault. The main thing is, you are now taking control of your health.

The back pain I had was a heavy dragging ache in the middle of my back and felt like when I've had a kidney infection in the past

Rather than giving yourself  a few minutes a day where you have hope, try giving yourself a worry slot once a day. When the worries come outside of your worry slot just push then aside until its time for your worry session. I was up until 5am or 6am most nights in the initial diagnosis stage, googling all sorts, and i would have been better off getting some rest.... headspace app really helped me a lot once I started using it xXx

Charlotte, like you I did exactly the same. Honestly I did. Best advise I can give you in start to shout at it. Give it a terrible name or a ridiculous one. My one was called FLBCC (little and cancer are the only two words that aren't swear words). Once I started shouting at it (whether put loud or in my head and got angry with it) I felt empowerment. I wasn't afraid anymore. It didn't rule me. I ruled IT and it was pathetic and I was bigger and stronger and much more frightening. 

However, I didn't feel like this at first. It took at least a month of the tears, the fear, the shock and the dr Google before hand. But you are in charge of this. You are in control. Never thr other way round. 

Everything you and feeling the fear has just voiced - Me too. My husband couldn't understand why I wasn't fighting. Why I had shrunk and was in tears 20 hrs out of 24. Why I couldn't eat or sleep.

It does get better and easier. 

(Feeling the fear- I literally said to my husband last night- it feels like an infection in my back/kidneys...You have given me a glimmer of hope that this is a made up pain by my silly brain... everything crossed)

Thank you both- you are helping my anxiety so much!  So today I had my MRI and a chest X-ray.

I am so far private for speed, (will switch to NHS once I have results) and was going to cancel the MRI until I have the biopsy results, but my consultant was happy for me to go ahead... which to me cements her certainty that it's cancer.

I am hoping to get results tomorrow/early next week. 
The back pain is still very much there, and as much as I am really trying to be positive, I still feel I'm going to have a very unlucky outcome... not that any of us are particularly lucky right now!!! 
I am sure that both of you had the same fears, and I'm also sure that it's mainly due to the knowledge that we all missed smears! Isn't hindsight a beautiful thing!!! 
What shocked me today was the needles... I wasn't fazed at all! He had to do both arms after the first collapsed, I didn't even feel it/flinch. This is the girl that has fainted at every blood test/injection she's ever had!! Think my body knows this is no time for being a wimp... and has finally accepted that the needles are to help me not hurt me! 

MRI was strange!! They didn't tell me anything re: what to expect- so when it started getting warm... I was very worried! And the noise! Wasn't expecting it at all - don't really know what I was expecting to be honest- but was weirdly calm. Think I must have been in some sort of shock/massive adrenaline overdrive! 
anyway- I hope that you are both doing ok- will let you know when I get the results back. 

Hi Charlotte,

Sorry to see you're in such a panic and worried about all of this. I'm newly diagnosed so can totally relate to your situation. I think you naturally think the worse case scenario, at first I was googling everything- which did not help! I wasn't sleeping or eating. Then one day I thought to myself, I have too much to live for and I won't let it beat me! From then I started to be positive (easier said than done I know!) For myself I was up to date with my smears but started to have irregular bleeding so thought I needed to get checked out. That was my first positive, I did something about it rather than thinking "it'll be nothing" because let's admit "it'll never happen to us" Think of the positives that you are now one step further on with your treatment and it is treatable. There is so much out there that they can do.

I know what you mean about the MRI, it wasn't what I was expecting either and as I left I felt really paranoid as nothing was said. But again I thought it's another hurdle done and another step closer to treatment. I'm booked in for a Radical Hysterectomy and lymph node removal on the 19th August. I'm currently having to self isolate but I'm trying to keep myself busy with my children. I'm very nervous about it but if it makes me better and cancer free then it has to be done. I find reading and speaking to people on here really helpful too. There's some inspirational stories!

Take Care xx 



Thanks Emma- 

I am just in a spiral of panic. I have been a lot calmer for the last two days, but today- mind is going wild!

I went to the doctors a few months ago with pins and needles in my hands and feet- was put down to my anemia, so have ignored it- upped my iron and B12 and it seemed to relieve it (stupidly went against a blood test to check due to my needle phobia!). Of course- last night its flared up again. So with that, and the back ache and the fact that they could physically see it from my smear and colposcopy- it just has me convinced that its really advanced- googling the symptoms (I know... I know!) points to that, and realistically, cant think it would be a coincedence! 

The worry is all consuming- due to the missed smears and all of the symptoms of advanced, I just cant get it out of my head!

As much as I want the results, I am also terrified of being told the worse- they said I may hear today, or early next week- I am almost wanting to hide from my phone. Terrified is an understatament, mentally I am feeling extremely weak, which is really unusual for me! Just hiding away in my bedroom from the world, dont even feel comfortable being downstairs in my own house which is really strange. 

Apart from family, I cant talk to anyone about it either, am ignoring all friends because I dont want to make it real I think! 

Is there anyone who had similar symptoms to me that turned out not to be as bad as they thought??


Driving myself insane... sorry!

Charlotte x

Hi Charlotte. 

Maybe try talking to someone, a close friend or family member perhaps? You will honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders just talking about the situation. Like I said I feel these forums have helped massively too, but just remember you're not on your own. Your family and friends will be the support you could do with, especially with waiting for your results as it is a difficult time. 

For me I felt relieved to have the biopsy and MRI results, at least I knew what I was dealing with. I think everyone thinks it's going to be the worse possible outcome. If it helps the only symptoms I had was light bleeding after intercourse, slight backache (but put that down to having children and my job being a hairdresser means a lot of standing/leaning each day). Originally the gynaecologist thought it was cervical erosion, had a loop biopsy done but the biopsy came back showing signs of cancer. I think everyone has different symptoms but I believe cervical cancer is a slow progression and you've done the right thing by getting checked and already in the process of getting treatment. Imagine how frantic you would be having just left it?

Just try to be positive, I still have down days but you can't let it get you down. I'm sure you will feel so much better once you get your results then know what treatment plan you will need. I think it's the waiting that is the hardest, but like I've said please don't feel like you are on your own, it really does help having someone to talk to.