having a bad day :(

Warning lots of 'woe is me' and self pitty to follow!

I thought I had been coping really well latley but today I have realised that really I have been an osterich and just stuck my head in the sand and hoped that it will all just miraculusly be okay (which may happen). Its all been such a rollercoaster ride that I think my head is now firmly inserted up my backside.

The stress is really starting to get to me as everything in my life seems to be coming to a head, tying to cope with everything that is going on with my heath whilst tring to finish my degree is really overwhelming me and today I feel like a complete faliure. There have been staffing issues at my uni which has left everybody with essentially 6 months work to complete in 6 weeks, the begining of the 6 weeks was when I found out I needed further treatment. I am not the kind of person that easily admits defeat of asks for help but being booked for surgery before the end of term I eventually spoke to my tutor about what was going on a couple of weeks ago and he was very sympathetic and understanding and offered me an exttensions. I have spent the last two weeks trying to overcome some technical issues with my final project that are essentially out of my hands but causing no end of stress, if it doesnt get sorted I will end up failing the course will be devestating as i have achieved a 1st in every other module.

To add to the misery of university I am petrified of heving an op (dont do well with anesthetics) but am desperate to get these damn cells out of my body, all I can think about is that they were so close to cancer when I had my treatment in september that all this extra time they have had to develop will mean the diagnosis I fear the most. My rational brain says even if it is cancer it is so treatable that a positive outcome it more likley then not, all the brave ladies on here are a testement to that. I am due on my period the week of the op so just praying I am early or late so that it wont be cancelled and delayed even longer. I cant bear the thought of having them inside me any more.

The biggest thing that is bugging me today though is feeling like a complete faliure, as a wife and a mother, like an idiot I didnt go for my smears for over ten years and although nobody has said anything directly, today for some reason i can feel all those fingers wagging at me saying 'I told you so' and 'youve brought this on yourself'. the thing is though  that if anybody actually did say this to me they would be right. I cant belive that I have been so stupid, I had one bad experience a long time ago and let it put me off getting screened, when I think of women living in  countries that dont offer free screening and treatment, I feel like i have wasted such a privilage and such an oppertunity to be healthy and I only have myself and my own stupidity to blame for the situation I find myself in at the moment. I feel like I have let my husband and children down by being such a doofus. All I have wanted to do today is cry and that is just so not like me, feeling a bit like I am coming apart at the seems.

Thanks if you have managed to stand my whinging this far, hope you are having a better day than me.


Hi niki.. sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I had high grade changes cin 3 and I never coped well at all. I hid it from my family how I felt. But when I was alone all I did was cry. So I know how you feel, and its horrible I know. I never went for my smear for eight yrs so was well over due too. You can't blame yourself for not going earlier for your smear, how I look at it is we have been now and we are in the system and getting watched. There is no point to keep thinking like this as its not going to change anything and its just gunna make you feel more miserable . I know its not easy as I still have thoughts like this as times. And wish I could just make it all go away. I am a mother of one and she is my life, and I remember thinking I had let her down and my partner too, as I was a mess for a few weeks with things and felt they suffered too. And had loads of other things going on in life to and felt I can't take no more, but we get through it don't know how but we do. I think we all have a strength in us that we don't know we have until we are tested. You are not a failure and you are doing really well niki, and I bet you are great mother. We all dout our selfs at stress full times and that's normal and human nature of us. Don't punish yourself on what ifs...... you are a strong woman who can get through this. Will be thinking of you and if you need to rant we are all hear to listen. Best of luck. Love sky x x x

Hi niki…firstly, huge hugs. I really feel your anxiety & worry & wish there was a magic wand to take the stress away for you. For what it’s worth i attended all my smears yet it was only last years that came back cin3 & high grade cgin & resulted in me having 3 colpos in 7 mths (the last 2 wks ago under GA) - so please don’t punish yourself. Changes can happen at any time. You’re doing the right thing in being in the system now as sky says.

Is there any way the hospital could delay your op just for 2 or 3 weeks to give you some breathing space? Dealing with the op alone is stress enough. My anxiety levels went through the roof & i think i spent all my spare time googling over and over lol. I think it’s only natural to worry but you are not a failure! You are studying, being a mum, a wife, sorting out your health & off loading here instead of bottling it up - you are being great! You cannot change what may or may not happen at the op so concentrate on what you usually would. How close is the op to the end of your 6wk deadline? Perhaps try & use the uni work & your family as a distraction. I found working during the day helped but night time when my head hit the pillow my mind would start wandering. Never found a way round that lol. Thankfully my results have come back all clear, when 7 months ago i was diagnosed with severe abnormalities & had convinced myself I’d have to have a hysterectomy! Funny how my mind ran away with me. Good Luck Niki. Let us know how you get on & so sorry I can’t be more helpful x

Thanks for your replies ladies it really means alot, yeterday I felt utterly overwhelmed by everything. I am feeling a little better today but still not very positive about things if I'm honest. University has been a huge distraction but even without my health worries it is a very stressful time and I think the combination of the two kind of got to me. My deadline is the day before the op but I have got a 3 week extension sorted so I thought I could deal with that, as long as I had all my images shot (i'm doing photography) I can catch up on the journal and writen work whilst Im recovering, however getting the images has turned into a nightmare in itself, and I still dont have them :( Pulling 14 hour days in the studio trying to sort out chemisty problems has meant that two other modules due next week, that I dont have extensions for are no where near finished.

I am begining to feel like all the distraction means I am going to be mentally unprepared for my treatment and being so worn out at the moment will make recovering harder than it needs to be, it took me a week to initally get over the lletz in september and a good 6 weeks before felt anything like my old self. I know everbody is different but Im so jelous of the girls who bounce back and can manage work the next day. I dont really want them to delay the op, I just want the cells gone and to be honest there isnt really a time in  the near future that would be anymore convenient for me anyway so I'd rather get it over and done with.

Just realised Im doing it again.....moaning lol so I will stop now, but honestly your words have made me feel a lot better, thanks.