Warning lots of 'woe is me' and self pitty to follow!
I thought I had been coping really well latley but today I have realised that really I have been an osterich and just stuck my head in the sand and hoped that it will all just miraculusly be okay (which may happen). Its all been such a rollercoaster ride that I think my head is now firmly inserted up my backside.
The stress is really starting to get to me as everything in my life seems to be coming to a head, tying to cope with everything that is going on with my heath whilst tring to finish my degree is really overwhelming me and today I feel like a complete faliure. There have been staffing issues at my uni which has left everybody with essentially 6 months work to complete in 6 weeks, the begining of the 6 weeks was when I found out I needed further treatment. I am not the kind of person that easily admits defeat of asks for help but being booked for surgery before the end of term I eventually spoke to my tutor about what was going on a couple of weeks ago and he was very sympathetic and understanding and offered me an exttensions. I have spent the last two weeks trying to overcome some technical issues with my final project that are essentially out of my hands but causing no end of stress, if it doesnt get sorted I will end up failing the course will be devestating as i have achieved a 1st in every other module.
To add to the misery of university I am petrified of heving an op (dont do well with anesthetics) but am desperate to get these damn cells out of my body, all I can think about is that they were so close to cancer when I had my treatment in september that all this extra time they have had to develop will mean the diagnosis I fear the most. My rational brain says even if it is cancer it is so treatable that a positive outcome it more likley then not, all the brave ladies on here are a testement to that. I am due on my period the week of the op so just praying I am early or late so that it wont be cancelled and delayed even longer. I cant bear the thought of having them inside me any more.
The biggest thing that is bugging me today though is feeling like a complete faliure, as a wife and a mother, like an idiot I didnt go for my smears for over ten years and although nobody has said anything directly, today for some reason i can feel all those fingers wagging at me saying 'I told you so' and 'youve brought this on yourself'. the thing is though that if anybody actually did say this to me they would be right. I cant belive that I have been so stupid, I had one bad experience a long time ago and let it put me off getting screened, when I think of women living in countries that dont offer free screening and treatment, I feel like i have wasted such a privilage and such an oppertunity to be healthy and I only have myself and my own stupidity to blame for the situation I find myself in at the moment. I feel like I have let my husband and children down by being such a doofus. All I have wanted to do today is cry and that is just so not like me, feeling a bit like I am coming apart at the seems.
Thanks if you have managed to stand my whinging this far, hope you are having a better day than me.