My appointment for colposcopy is tomorrow and my anxiety is at an all time high. I have always thought of myself as a tough cookie and I havent exactly had what you might call an easy life to date, all of which has given me the false impression of inner strength. What a joke...I've totally gone to peices over this. I dont think it helps that I have no control over any of this.
It also hasnt helped that I have an insatiable need for information....Statistics, symptoms or lack thereof, treatment plans, HPV, percentages, procedures...the whole nine yards. I have had very little rest in my quest to self diagnose (which I have done a thousand times, each time is a different outcome because let's face it, I can't possibly know anything until the ball starts rolling tomorrow).
I have driven myself nuts this week. I can't eat, I can't rest and I can't think about anything else. Last night the floodgates opened for the umpteenth time and I cried and cried. My poor husband can't even hug me without setting me off.
The clients at work definitely know something is wrong, as I can't concentrate on their conversation in the same way. I've had to tell some of them because they are regulars and know me too well.
I am off today, which is a double edged sword. I have already been onto the nhs website - oddly I am finding it more reassuring to keep looking at things than trying to distract myself...How does that work?? It's not even as if I am scared of the colposcopy, or anything treatment related, as I am not bothered about that. I just can't cope with this waiting and I am scared of the results.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in and tell you that if you are reading this and are in the same situation, I understand your anxiety xxxx
Woah there! I think I need to put a mum voice and say 'deep breath, calm down a bit'.
Has that helped?
No?
Well you're feeling exactly the same way I did. It really is hell when you're waiting and you're worried but you know what the worst thing you can do is? Sitting and googling and reading all the stories on this site!
Trust me, I've been there. My advice would be to go and do something a bit distracting, go for a walk or to see a film or make a cake. It'll still be there but by doing something else you may give your mind a little bit of a break. I really feel for you, I know exactly what wiating can do a woman's mind, as will everyone here. You just want to know what's going to happen and in the meantime your mind will imagine the worst.
Best of luck for your appointment tomorrow, hopefully they will see you early and it'll all be over very soon. Bear in mind you may have to wait a few more weeks for results, but be assured that you're in the system now too, so if anything needs to be treated it can be very quickly. The best place to be, really.
I joined this forum yesterday because I am going through a similar time (had my first ever smear and it found mild changed and evidence of HPV - coloscopy is booked for February).
I know there's nothing I can really say to help the anxiety exept that I totally understand how much the waiting hurts and stops you from functioning.
I hope everything goes okay with the coloscopy, will be thinking of you tomorrow *hugs*
Also... I know what you mean about reading the NHS website. I can't stop doing it!! Which usually ends in more tears.
I just want to wish you best of luck. At 24 I had my first smear and a year later ive had colposcopy biopsies and today lletz to treat cin2. All the time ive been googling and scaring myself silly. Every appt has been easier than I expected. Though its uncomfortable I have never felt any pain (and im a huge wimp). I recommend taking a paracetamol before you go and let the nurse know you're nervous. Theyre great and keep you chatting to take your mind off of the procedure. They also answer all Qs and give you their name and number if yoy have more Qs when you leave. Best of luck :)
Arghhh...Thank you. I am sitting here with my heart in my mouth. I cant find anything to distract me for very long. At least it is tomorrow and I am in the system now.. Hugs to you too. The waiting is awful. At least we have each other xxxxx
Littlestar: Thank you...I am taking some co codamol beforehand and some rescue remedy. I have already been advised to write down any questions as the staff arent especially communicative, which is a shame. I dont expect I will remember anything they say as I will be too worried about what they are going to find. I am trying to get my head around the wait that will obviously follow. I think I am going to have to go to the surgery and ask for something for the anxiety as I am not really handling this very well and I cant carry on like this.
The waiting is definitely the worst part. Though the results come through surprisingly quickly. Do talk to your gp if the anxiety is dramatically affecting your day to day life as youll end up running yourself down. Goodluck today :)
