Good Morning Ladies,
My appointment for colposcopy is tomorrow and my anxiety is at an all time high. I have always thought of myself as a tough cookie and I havent exactly had what you might call an easy life to date, all of which has given me the false impression of inner strength. What a joke...I've totally gone to peices over this. I dont think it helps that I have no control over any of this.
It also hasnt helped that I have an insatiable need for information....Statistics, symptoms or lack thereof, treatment plans, HPV, percentages, procedures...the whole nine yards. I have had very little rest in my quest to self diagnose (which I have done a thousand times, each time is a different outcome because let's face it, I can't possibly know anything until the ball starts rolling tomorrow).
I have driven myself nuts this week. I can't eat, I can't rest and I can't think about anything else. Last night the floodgates opened for the umpteenth time and I cried and cried. My poor husband can't even hug me without setting me off.
The clients at work definitely know something is wrong, as I can't concentrate on their conversation in the same way. I've had to tell some of them because they are regulars and know me too well.
I am off today, which is a double edged sword. I have already been onto the nhs website - oddly I am finding it more reassuring to keep looking at things than trying to distract myself...How does that work?? It's not even as if I am scared of the colposcopy, or anything treatment related, as I am not bothered about that. I just can't cope with this waiting and I am scared of the results.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in and tell you that if you are reading this and are in the same situation, I understand your anxiety xxxx