Bit low again today. I know its totally normal to be up and down. But I'm fed up with it. I'm fed up with my wound scar aching. I'm fed up with the big belly overhang. I'm fed up with having to wear giant knickers that my hubby says I could use as a parachute (totally gentle teasing to make me laugh, not being mean). I'm fed up with only being able to wear loose, elasticated waist trousers or maxi dresses. I'm really fed up with people telling me "but you didn't want more children anyway", because selfish as it is, despite that, the loss of my fertility, the loss of choice about it, is something I'm finding hard. And I know its selfish because so many lovely ladies out there have had the choice taken away before they even had the chance to begin. So then I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty that my cancer has been treated "easily" by surgery alone, and that it's gone now, although that obviously a good thing. A family member was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly before me and has now started her chemo with radiotherapy to come and I hate that she has to go through it.
I bought a journal at the start of this, just to keep track of my emotions. I've barely used it. Not written in it since I was in hospital, 7 weeks ago. I think I need to hunt it out again and start some simple jottings. I am also starting a course of mindfulness meditations today, and am going to ensure I go out for a proper walk every day. Hopefully that will help perk me up on these low days. I'm very blessed with a great support network which helps massively. And next weekend I'm off for my first support group meeting. I had to pull out of the Let's Meet event that hubby and I planned to go on, which is a shsmr, but I hope the support group will help.
Sorry to have such a big moan on a Sunday morning, sometimes you just need an outlet don't you?! I don't even need replies. Just somewhere to vent. Thanks for being here. Hope you are doing OK on your own journeys xx
I completely get where you're coming from as I'm sure all the others on here do....this journey is a crap one but you're getting there....every day is to be grateful for...it's just hard remembering that sometimes...and then you end up feeling ungrateful and guilty!! Can't win!
I went to the gym for the first time this morning...I imagined that when I was able to do this I'd be ecstatic and feeling invincible but I came home feeling deflated and pathetic. Ten minutes on the cross trainer at the lowest level and my heart was pounding out of my chest and my legs were burning....this time last year I was in pretty decent shape :(
I too stopped using my journal for a few weeks...I think it's because I'm more busy than I was now I'm getting stronger...but im trying to get back into it now as I feel it really helps to keep track of emotions etc. I suspect that the mindfulness might get your more in tune with your journal keeping :) Let us know how you find the meditation :)
Anyway Mrs go treat yourself to something nice...gentle walk in the park, Sunday lunch with oodles of pudding or a cuddle with your kids xxx
I completely get where you're coming from as I'm sure all the others on here do....this journey is a crap one but you're getting there....every day is to be grateful for...it's just hard remembering that sometimes...and then you end up feeling ungrateful and guilty!! Can't win!
I went to the gym for the first time this morning...I imagined that when I was able to do this I'd be ecstatic and feeling invincible but I came home feeling deflated and pathetic. Ten minutes on the cross trainer at the lowest level and my heart was pounding out of my chest and my legs were burning....this time last year I was in pretty decent shape :(
I too stopped using my journal for a few weeks...I think it's because I'm more busy than I was now I'm getting stronger...but im trying to get back into it now as I feel it really helps to keep track of emotions etc. I suspect that the mindfulness might get your more in tune with your journal keeping :) Let us know how you find the meditation :)
Anyway Mrs go treat yourself to something nice...gentle walk in the park, Sunday lunch with oodles of pudding or a cuddle with your kids xxx
Hi, and hugs to you! Know exactly where you are coming from Hon! It's easier said than done to say take it easy, one step at a time blah! I felt much like you, finding I plateaud then all of a sudden felt a bit better. One year on it's the emotional side of things which knock me for six now...I have really bad 'cancer days' where I am so preoccupied with the what ifs, but I also lost my son as a result of all this too, so had an extra burden! Am sure you will be fine chick x
Hi I am 7 weeks post op now and have to say I feel the same as you. I think it takes a while to recover emotionally and would probably be abnormal if we reverted back to how we normally are. I'm just so tired alol the time hoping that improves.
Oh God Sarah T, the tiredness is constant! I had a bed day today, crashed out for 3 hours earlier. I see people talking about going back to work after 8 weeks or so and there's no way I'm ready! Do have a meeting with my manager next week though.
How are you doing otherwise SarahT? When do you have follow up etc?
I think it's really hard as everyone expects you to be ok after 6 weeks, yes you feel better but I think it takes a longer time to recover. 6 weeks is just the starting point I think. I am so tired most of the time and could sleep anytime of the day, which is unusual for me. I have pains on and off especially in the back of my left hip for some reason. I'm constipated often too and my hair feels thinner. I have stopped bleeding but occasionally have odd discharge so always bit nervous going to toilet! At 35 looking at my comments, I feel I have aged quite a bit in the last few months lol. I habs started taking multi vitamin with seperate iron and folic acid In hope it might help
My next check up is in March which seems a long way a way, not sure I like being left so long I might try and push for it to be earlier. How long is your next check up? I had my 6 week check up last week. A gentle internal (that's how the nurse described it) and check of internal external healing.
Just to put a slightly different slant on this, a bit further down the line when you have really and truly fully recovered you will begin to get fed up of hearing "Oh you look so well" As though a cancer diagnosis means you have to look ill for the whole of the rest of your life. I am now waiting to find out how many years it takes of being normal and healthy before these comments cease :-)
Does it go on that long? The "you look so well" comments. I've never looked or felt I'll during this, apart from recovery obviously.
Sarah, I've not seen my doctor yet, just a call to give me my all clear results. Am seeing consultant end of October. My gp is very good though and seeing her again in a couple of weeks.
I've done none of the stuff I said like walking or meditation, as we've had two poorly children and therefore very little sleep (as if I'm not already knackered enough haha), but hopefully will motivate myself tomorrow. Very much looking forward to getting to the support group tomorrow, though nervous too. I'm rather shy in new situations!
I'm also meeting my manager Monday. I don't really know her and sent a bit of a stroppy email about lack of support, oops, but she's been very good about it (it was a very polite email I hasten to add), but its one more thing to worry about.
In general though, feeling much better and brighter than when I wrote this original post xx
First off I am very happy to know that you are not feeling as wretched as you were last weekend, though I am quite sure these ups and downs come in waves so don't be too surprised if you feel low again before you are out of the woods. I still get the "You look so well" comments after almost four years but that may be because I live in a remote place which some people visit only once a year. We are all of course growing older though some seem to show it more quickly than others. I see my own face every day and therefore am not aware how quickly or slowly I am aging, but one woman who told me how well I looked earlier this week had aged greatly since I last saw her and it was just so difficult not to respond with "Wish I could say the same!"
But yes, it is ridiculous. I never looked ill either, apart from when I was being wheeled out of the operating theatre following 4+ hours of surgery. None of these people have seen me look ill or tired but they just seem to expect us to look dreadful. Silly people!
Don't beat yourself up about not feeling recovered yet. My CNS originally said I would be ready to go back to work on a phased-return after 3 to 4 weeks. I know! Crazy! But it put a huge amount of pressure on me. I felt really guilty about not feeling ready after 6 weeks and had a lot of reassurance from the lovely ladies on this forum. :) To be honest I still felt guilty and that I "should" pull myself together and stop being the ill person.
I eventually went back after 4 months and, do you know what, I still wasn't ready! Admittedly, my job was quite demanding and stressful and I honestly couldn't cope physically or mentally. I was signed-off again and it took many weeks for me to feel better.
I'm not saying this to worry anyone about it taking ages to get better. You just need to know that we are all different, with different bodies, different minds and different lives to get back to. Some people are bouncing around really quickly and others take much longer to feel like themselves.
I now feel pretty amazing mostly. I've made some changes in my lifeand actually feel more in control than before my diagnosis. And I have made some lovely new friends! Some physical stuff is not the way I want it and I do still struggle a bit with sudden anxiety about ridiculous things but I have a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
You will get there, Blackberry, but don't let anyone rush you. Don't compare yourself to the amazingly lucky people who bounce back quickly. This is your time to think about how you want to live your life and take care of yourself after a pretty rotten time. Life can be so busy and we don't often get a chance to step back and make some positive changes. It took me a long, long while to get properly motivated - and that's fine because we sometimes just need to cuddle ourselves and not worry about it for a bit - but check me out now with my swimming, walking, mediatation, yoga, veg smoothies, garden wildlife-watching, gym-using, more manageable job and better connection with my family! :) Take your time and be kind to yourself.
